Ex Needs More Time – Or Is She Leading Me On?

Question: My ex/gf ended it because she “needed to figure” out what she wants but wants to work things out at a later date. We keep in touch everyday but while my heart tells me to give her time to figure out what she wants my head tells me she is just using me.

Yangki’s Answer: She could be honest about needing time to figure things out. You need to give her that time. The worst thing that can happen is for you to get back together, then she breaks up with you again because she needs to figure out what she wants. It’s a waste of your emotions, time and life.

On the other hand, you could be right that she’s just using you. Both men and women these days use “working on myself” or “I need more time” as an excuse to delay making a decision or keep the other person around until someone “better” comes along.

One of the main differences between someone who is genuinely trying to figure him/herself out and someone just using you is how much they care about a relationship with you.

Someone who is just about him/herself doesn’t care how his/her words and actions affect any future relationship with you. The only say or do things that benefit them and themselves alone. You just there their own selfish needs. They don’t care if  you feel you are being used/strung along because they don’t care if there will be a future relationship or not.

Someone who is genuinely trying to figure things out, needs time and space to work on him/herself or needs time to make a decision will make some kind of effort to reassure you that this is something he/she needs to do for him/herself, that he/she is not trying to hurt you, and that any future relationship depends on him/her being clear about what he/she wants.

That’s because they care about what happens to the two of you (the relationship) and want to make sure that their taking time to figure things out, work on their issues or make a decision does not hurt the relationship.

If you contact them, they’ll respond. If they say they’ll contact you later, they’ll follow up on it. And if you want to talk they’ll listen, acknowledge and validate your feelings about the situation, but will be firm on their decision to focus on what they need to do for any future relationship to happen and/or be better.

In other words they show respect for themselves, for you and for the relationship.

If he/she is showing no respect for you or the relationship, he/she does not care whether there will be a future relationship, let alone a better one. He/she is just thinking about him/herself and you are just another means to his/her own end.

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  1. says: Keller

    Thank you for this article. Missing someone is different for everyone. For some, it hits as soon as the person leaves our side. For others, it takes a while. I missed my ex the moment she walked away but my ex says she started missing me after a month. She says she distracts herself from missing me by going out with her friends and focusing on her career. It sucks to hear but she is determined to move on with her life. I miss her everyday second but there is nothing I can do. I wish her the best.

  2. says: David

    Thank you, I will definitely continue my work. I’ve read your book once, I’m taking your ecourse, and I’m reading the book a second time. I feel like she is trying to keep me distant (and not just the physical distance of being in another state), but with persistence and your plan I will get there! Thank you so much for everything you do.

  3. says: David

    My ex and I have been talking on the phone once a week for the last 3 weeks for about an hour each time. Prior to reading your books or blogs I made the mistake of asking about a us in the future, but she said that she “want’s to do the single thing for awhile.”

    She has said she still has very strong feelings for me and the breakup was the worst day of her life. Do you think she is just trying to be polite and avoiding a hard conversation again?

    1. I think she’s just not ready for that conversation yet. Sometimes it’s the when and how you bring up the topic that makes all the difference, especially in a case like yours where the feelings are still strong. If you bring it up when there is no strong foundation for the conversation, you’ll get mixed responses because the person is torn between how they FEEL about you and what they THINK about being in a relationship with you. If those two don’t align, there’ll be mixed signals.

      Work on laying a strong foundation for a positive outcome. It’s all in the book.