No Contact Hurts Your Chances (Attachment Styles Perspective)

If you are here reading this because you are wondering if going no contact with an ex you want back hurts your chances, you’re are in the right place. But if you are reading this and believe that there is nothing wrong with going no contact to get back an ex or that “no contact works”, you may not like what you read, and I’m unapologetically okay with you not liking what you read.

My role as a coach is not to discourage people who want to go no contact from doing it, my role is to help those who are not sure if it is the right strategy for them to make an informed and educated decision.

What people mean when they say “no contact works” or “no contact is working”

No contact is such a well marketed strategy for getting back an ex that most of us have come to accept it as the “rule”, but when people say “no contact works” or “no contact is working” what exactly are they saying is “working”?

Not everybody gets overwhelmed by break-up emotions so not everybody needs no contact to move on, but if you feel overwhelmed by break-up emotions and can’t function in daily life, no contact is a healthy tool that can help put some distance between you and the stress-causing event or person so you can move on. They point here is that, no contact is about you and not about making your ex miss you.

No contact to make your ex miss you or as a strategy for getting back an ex is cruel and manipulative and hurt s your chances in ways you may not realize. The strategy is designed to trigger the fear of separation, rejection, abandonment or loss, and to cause enough anxiety and fear for someone to feel neglected, ignored and unwanted which then makes them to seek reassurance and validation.

The most affected attachment style by no contact is people with an anxious attachment and anxious-leaning fearful avoidants who have separation anxiety resulting from feeling neglected, ignored and unwanted by their caregivers. Their reaction to feeling neglected, ignored and unwanted is to frantically re-establish contact and even restore the relationship. The longer contact and connection is denied, the more dysregulated an anxious attachment feels. Some anxiously attached even have panic attacks.

No contact hurts your chances by triggering fear of abandonment

If you have an anxious attachment or are a fearful avoidant, no contact triggers the fear of rejection and abandonment, this is why it hurts so much. You’re relieving your attachment trauma in real time.

It’s this emotional and mental state of “anxiety and fear” that people mean when they say, “no contact works” or “no contact is working”. It’s working to recreate attachment trauma and to interfere with an ex’s daily life.

Intentionally triggering someone’s attachment trauma is cruel whatever the reason. You know they’re going to be devasted and can’t function normally and may even fall into depression but you just don’t care. You’re making them go through all that for what? Just so you can say “my ex missed me”? Where is compassion? Where is empathy? Where is the love?

So while no contact boosts your ego by making you feel wanted and even validated, to use someone’s attachment trauma to manipulate them into missing you is not just cruel, to do so without any consideration for how it’ll affect them says you’re not emotionally safe. And more and more anxious attachment exes and anxious-leaning fearful avoidants are taking note and choosing to move on rather than be with someone who uses their trauma and vulnerability against them.

No contact hurts your chances by creating distrust and resentment

The central theme of attachment theory is safety and security. A child who grows up feeling safe and secure in a caregiver’s availability, responsiveness, consistency and reliability grows up to be securely attached. A child who grows up without safety and security grows up to be insecure and struggles with relationships later in life.

In adult attachments, safety and security describes feeling confident in the availability, responsiveness, consistency and reliability of a relationship partner whether we’re with them or apart from them. No contact is the very opposite of availability, responsiveness, consistency and reliability.

Instead of creating safety and security, no contact creates insecurity, disconnection, emotional distance, distrust, resentment and resistance.

  • When you show someone that you can be unavailable and unresponsive, how do they know they can rely on you and trust you?
  • How do they know you’re still thinking about them or want them back?
  • How do they know you haven’t moved on?
  • But more importantly, if you end up back together, how’ll your ex know you’ll able to balance your need for safety and also be able to provide safety for them? You already shown inability to keep yourself safe while making sure they’re safe and whatever is left of the relationship is protected.

I want you to think about the answers to these questions and not go no contact because someone told you to. At a certain age, “someone told me to do it” says more about your emotional grown and self confidence than it says about the person who told you to do something that turned out to be a huge mistake.

As you can clearly see, no contact does not work with all attachment styles and no contact triggers behaviours that hurt or ruin your chances with your ex and not healthy behaviours for sustaining a relationship.

There are healthier and emotionally safe ways to take some time and space to manage your emotions and heal if you need to, ways that show you’re emotionally safe to come back to and don’t hurt your chances.

RELATED:

No Contact Works Differently With A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

Why No Contact Will NOT Work On A Secure Attachment Style

This Is How An Avoidant Ex Reacts When You Reach Out After No Contact

7 Reasons Why Fearful Avoidants Do ‘No Contact’

How to Get Back Your Ex With Pressure Free Contact

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