If you are here reading this because you think “no contact” is cruel and worried that going no contact will hurt your chances of attracting back your ex, then read on. You are in the right place. But if you are reading this and believe that there is nothing wrong with going no contact to get back an ex or that “no contact works”, you may not like what you read, and I’m unapologetically okay with you not liking what you read. My role as a coach is not to discourage people who want to go no contact from doing it, my role is to help those who are not sure if it is the right strategy for them to make an informed and educated decision.
Is no contact cruel and does it hurt your chances? Yes, in more ways than many people realize.
1. No contact is a cruel strategy to trigger attachment anxiety
Most people don’t see how cruel no contact is because no contact is such a well marketed strategy for getting back an ex that most of us have come to accept it as the “rule”. But when people say “no contact works” or “no contact is working” what exactly are they saying is “working”?
No contact is an avoidance coping strategy meant to help those overwhelmed by break-up emotions distance from the stress-causing event or person so you can move on. This is a healthy use of no contact because it’s about you and not about making your ex miss you.
No contact as a strategy for getting back an ex is designed to trigger the fear of separation, rejection, abandonment or loss. People with an anxious attachment become extremely anxious and emotional – and can’t focus, sleep, eat, or function normally and may be get depressed – when you go no contact and completely ignore them. This is because “no contact” recreates feelings of rejection and abandonment someone with an anxious attachment experienced in childhood. This is what people mean when they say, “no contact works” or “no contact is working”. It’s working to recreate attachment trauma. The longer contact is denied, the worse someone with an anxious attachment feels.
Intentionally triggering someone’s attachment trauma is cruel whatever the reason for doing it. You know they’re going to be devasted and can’t focus, sleep, eat, or function normally and may be get depressed. You’re making them go through all that for what? Just so you can say “my ex missed me”?. Where is compassion? Where is empathy? Where is the love?
Our childhood attachment trauma and attachment wounds and scars are invisible to the eye. And many of us don’t even realize that we have these wounds and scars until something like a break-up happens, and we feel the attachment trauma in real time. To use someone’s attachment trauma to manipulate them into missing you is not just cruel, to do so without any consideration for how it’ll affect them says you’re not emotionally safe. Even if you’re hurt that they broke up with you, it’s no excuse for hurting them back. You’re just proving to them that they had a good reason to end the relationship.
There are healthier and emotionally safe ways to take some time and space to manage your emotions and heal if you need to; ways that don’t create more pain and hurt for your ex.
2. No contact does not work with all attachment styles
Attachment theory has gained so much attention and become more relevant over the years because the strange situation experiment that first introduced the world to “attachment styles” mirrors adult romantic break-ups and attempts to reunite with an ex.
In the strange situation, Dr. Mary Ainsworth did an experiment to understand how different children react to separation and reunion with the attachment figure, in this case the mother. The mother was asked to leave the room briefly and a stranger who had previously interacted with the child in the mother’s presence was re-introduced to the child and tried to interreact with the child in the mother’s absence. The mother then returned and the stranger left.
Anxious attachment: Anxiously attached children were upset and inconsolable when separated from the mother, were angry with the mother for leaving but still sought comfort from the mother.
This is similar to how exes with an anxious attachment feel and act when you go no contact. They’ll be devasted and will remain preoccupied with the break-up and reconnection with an ex even in no contact. They may also go into protest behaviour because of separation anxiety but ultimately feel soothed when an ex reaches out or comes back.
Fearful avoidants: Anxious-avoidant children found separation from the mother distressing and confusing and acted conflicted and fearful when reunited with the mother.
This is how no contact affects fearful avoidants. It provokes anxiety and confusion and makes them conflicted. They become fearful of losing an ex but also fearful of getting close again. Depending on how anxious or avoidant they are, there is crucial window of time in which fearful avoidants (and anxious attachment) go from wanting to get back together to detaching and start engaging with someone else and/or reject your attempts to get them back and show strong signs of anger.
Dismissive avoidants: Dismissive avoidant children showed little to no separation anxiety and didn’t seem to need any comforting when the mother left or returned.
When you go no contact or stop contacting them, a dismissive avoidant ex will notice it but not be affected by it the way no contact affects someone with an anxious attachment or even fearful avoidant attachment style. It doesn’t mean they don’t notice your absence, they do, but dismissive avoidant sub-consciously (and consciously) choose not to be bothered by an ex going no contact. They develop what I call “Who needs you?” attitude.
Secure attachment: Securely attached children experienced distress but were able to regulate their emotions and feelings because they were confident of their attachment figure’s love and care.
This is how exes with a secure attachment feel and act when you go no contact. They’ll not chose to go no contact themselves but if they reach out a few times and you don’t respond, or if you tell them that you do not want contact, they’ll accept it as something you need and respect your wish not to be contacted. When you reach out, they’ll decide how they feel at the time and whether they want to reopen the lines of communication or leave things as they are – and will communicate their decision with you and not just ignore you.
As clearly demonstrated by the strange situation experiment, no contact does not work with all attachment styles because the effectiveness of no contact is in the fear of separation, rejection, abandonment or losing someone. Take away the fear of separation, rejection, abandonment or loss and no contact is ineffective and likely to hurt your chances of getting back together with your ex.
3. No contact creates more distrust, disconnection, distance and resistance
When you go no contact without communicating to your ex what’s going on, and without so much as a word for weeks, how does your ex know that you will reach out again? How do they know you haven’t moved on? How do they know you’re still thinking about them or want them back?
In the beginning of this article, I pointed out that no contact is an avoidance coping strategy. Avoidance coping- also known as escape coping – is a maladaptive strategy in which a person changes their behavior to avoid thinking about, feeling, or doing difficult things or dealing with emotionally overwhelming situations.
When used as a short-term response to stress (i.e. heal and move on) avoidance coping strategy can be helpful, but when used as a solution to a problem (i.e. a strategy for attracting back an ex) avoidance coping creates more problems than it solves. When you reach out after no contact, the damage is done.
1) An anxious attachment ex who already is scared of separation will feel unsafe trying the relationship again with someone who can easily cut them off and leave them feeling rejected and abandoned.
2) An avoidant ex who doesn’t want a relationship with someone who has a hard time dealing with separation which avoidants need from time to time, will fear coming back. They may even see you needing 30 plus days to “deal with your emotions” as a red flag and a sign that you have a problem regulating or managing your emotions.
3) Even when “no contact” works to get back an ex, the anxious-avoidant dynamic doesn’t change. The relationship continues to struggle because neither person learned how to create safety for the other or is trying to make the other feel safe – and most people end up breaking up again.
Maladaptive coping makes things easier in the short-term but harder in the long term. I tell my clients that before you do anything ask yourself: “How will my actions right now help/hurt me later on?”
If you want your ex back but acting like you don’t want your ex back, if you want to be close with your ex but acting like you want distance or space, if you want your ex to see you still have feelings but acting like you don’t care and they don’t exist, and if you want your ex to see that you have changed, but acting like the same old passive aggressive, manipulative, angry and vindictive you, your actions are hurting your chances.
Basically if you are doing the opposite of what you want, chances are no contact will hurt your chances. I’ve worked with so many people who say, “I don’t regret doing no contact” even when it’s obvious that no contact hurt their chances and they’re unlikely to get back their ex because no contact created more distance and resistance.
Does going no contact make you a bad person?
Does going no contact make you a bad person? No, but it’s a sign that you have your own inner work to do that’s preventing your relationship from working.
Here’s the thing, when you are hurting or desperate you are only focused on how you feel and what can make you feel better. This in itself is not a bad thing, but if in the process of protecting yourself you make your ex feel insecure and unsafe, you will have a hard time getting them to feel safe enough to want to come back, and stay.
Whether to go no contact or not is a decision you’ll have to make for yourself. As I said above, my role as a coach is not to discourage people who want to go no contact from doing it, my role is to help those who are not sure if it is the right strategy for them to make an informed and educated decision.
Attachment styles is like an x-ray that shows the wounding and scaring that affects how we act in close and intimate relationships. We can either use the knowledge and insight from attachment theory to trigger attachment trauma in real time or or use it for healing for both ourselves and the people we love and care about.
Dr. Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Attachment theory confirms that we never forget how unsafe and insecure someone made us feel. Even so many years later, we never forget how our parents or attachment figures made us feel. So next time you see or hear someone say, “no contact works”, “no contact worked” or “no contact is working” ask yourself, do I want to be the person who re-traumatizes my ex for my benefit or the person who makes them feel safe no matter what?
Working on the issues that caused the break-up, working on yourself and becoming more secure and learning to balance being close and giving each other space is your best chance of getting back your ex. And if time and space to manage your emotions and heal healthier , there are emotionally safe ways to take care of you while protecting your connection at the same time.
RELATED:
No Contact Works Differently With A Dismissive Avoidant Ex
Why No Contact Will NOT Work On A Secure Attachment Style
This Is How An Avoidant Ex Reacts When You Reach Out After No Contact
I refused to do the no contact after he broke things off. I protested my undying love for him! LOL Then I took time to think about what went wrong and out loud. I mean to him in texts and emails. I wanted to know everything he was feeling and what I did to make him unhappy. I then made a game plan to fix my mistakes. I did that with him knowing exactly what I was doing the entire time. He was skeptical but I could tell he was interested in seeing where it goes. I asked to be friend and still see each other. He agreed. He still even got me gifts. He had broke up with me right before Thanksgiving.
I asked to see him once a week randomly. He agreed. I talked about a place he took me to last holiday and he said I will take you there this year if it makes you feel better. So we went. If I didn’t text him every few hours he would check in with me as if he liked me constantly texting him and when I didn’t he worried or was concerned. I fixed my finances, starting training for a marathon again like I use to do, make sure I was always happy when speaking to him and emailed him my game plans and process constantly. I told him I would never give up on “US”. It took three months but we grew a stronger better relationship in those months and it worked.
Congratulations. You put in the work and it worked!!!!
Good for you for recognizing that contact/connection is what works best and fast for an ex high on attachment anxiety. Many people blindly doing “no contact” don’t realize that some exes need constant connection, validation and reassurance to feel, loved, valued and wanted, and respond very well to the approach you took.
Just so people reading this do not run and start doing what you did, I need to clarify that if an ex is high on avoidance, constant contact, validation and reassurance will backfire. It will not work with a fearful avoidant high on attachment avoidance and it will DEFINITELY not work with a dismissive avoidant. But neither will ‘no contact”.
Finding the right balance of contact/connection and respecting an avoidant’s inherent need for emotional distance is the right approach to attracting back an avoidant. But it’s not as simple as it sounds because avoidants often have other unmet emotional needs (often unspoken and unacknowledged if they are dismissive), that if those needs aren’t met and/or they don’t feel the safety and security they need to feel, even the right balance of contact/connection and respecting an avoidant’s need for emotional distance will not work.
Creating a safe and secure environment where an avoidant feels safe to allow you into their inner world, the world they protect with their life literally is the first step. If you can do that, you are pretty much set for success.
I always had my doubts about the no contact rule, it didn’t make sense to me why two people who didn’t fight, have mutual respect for each other and still love each other but have to work on some personal issues have to go no contact.
My ex broke up with me because she did not feel loved and appreciated. I was advised by exgirlfriend recovery expert to do no contact for 30 days. Before that we were texting and friendly, she even called me ‘babe’ and then tried to take it back. We both laughed about it. She also told me she was not saying never but I hurt her deeply and she needed to find and love herself again.
Fast forward to a month and 4 days, I contacted her and she was cold and distant. I think I made her feel the bad memories of not being loved and appreciated with the no contact rule.
Now she has blocked me in every way. I hate myself for doing no contact.
Thank you, I really needed to read this today. 5 years living together and talking everyday and him not talking to me for months really destroys the foundation of a relationship. If someone’s okay with not talking to me for months, then they don’t really need me in their life. This gives me the strength to move on. I can’t see a relationship with him after this.
I hear you. Most people don’t realize that whatever you do, whether it is a fight, a break/separation or break-up, you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them. Once someone questions your love for them, the foundation of the relationship is shaken. This applies both ways.
Some people with a lot of work can heal the foundation of their relationship, but most people can’t. They may even get back together but the damage is done. They keep having one problem after another and don’t understand why they can’t make the relationship work.
I followed all the material with NC and all that for 12 weeks but my ex still won’t talk to me. I texted him on his birthday, “I hope you have a good time.”, never heard back from him. Waited one week and texted him asking him how he was doing and let him know I’m fine. Nothing. Waited another week and then texted him asking him if he wants me to stop texting him. FINALLY, got an email back, “Sorry, I’m busy. I don’t have time to text you.”
I really love him but the fact that he won’t talk to me even after all this time has passed tells me it’s probably better to move on.
Sorry you had to find out the hard way that NC is to allow you to heal and move on, not a strategy for getting your ex back.
You have no idea how happy I am to find some people who dont approve of the NC system for all situations. I tried it and it just started making things worse between us, so I scraped that idea and I am now just myself around him.
While I was trying the NC it just made him feel rejected, he felt awkward to talk to me, and that he was losing his best friend. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him because I love him and I want him in my life. We didnt break up because we hated each other, we broke up because we are in our mid twenties and dont know what we want out of life right now, he wanted time to be single to see what it felt like because he has never had the opportunity to do that. I just hate mind games and that is a tricky mind game that could have really back fired on me.
We broke up May, went n/c for 2 months then emailed her. She emailed back and we had 3 -4 email conversations then she went silent. I’ve emailed/called her several times and nothing from her since mid August. I think the best thing to do is end this right now. Send an email telling her I’m not going to waste my time anymore. Done!
Let me get this right… you’re thinking of sending an email to an ex you have emailed/called several times and hasn’t responded just to tell her you’re over her? Looks like a case of who was over who first? I think the real waste of time here is you sending her the email you’re thinking of sending.
I was very angry at her, however, now that I’m almost done sorting through my emotions I want to contact her. My fear is that she might not want to talk to me after 3 months with no contact of any kind. Should I write her a letter? Send her flowers? Wait for her to call me?
It’s fairly normal for an ex to be cold, distant or even still be angry when you contact them the first time, especially if the breakup was hostile. A letter or flowers for first contact may be a little too formal/over the top for first contact. In my eBook I encourage text or email depending on the form of communication you used most when you were in the relationship. It’s best to start slow/casual and build on it than start full blast and run out of steam very quickly.
It’s not nice having to stop having contact with someone you’ve shared so much with but I think in some situations it’s the best thing to do especially if he treated you badly. My ex cheated on me and I had no other choice but to end it. A couple of months after we broke up, I texted him just to say hi and stuff and one thing lead to another and I ended up in his bed. I decided I was still in love with him and we got back together. Then he cheated again and again.
My therapist also asked me why I want him back. It is hard to say but we do love each other. I know that. He was very caring and tender when he was good. But what you’re saying is that I should not try to get him back, it will not work?
I’m not saying you should not try to get him back or that it will not work. Whether or not you want to try to get him back is your decision to make. I’m merely making an observation, which apparently your therapist has voiced too. That’s all.
I think it’s different for everyone. My narcissistic, emotionally manipulative and controlling ex treated me like crap. I’ve cut off all contact to make him realize what he just lost. I deserve to be treated with respect. N/C is helping me get my power back.
Kudos to you for taking steps to get your power back! Like I said in my post, NC is great for healing the pain of a broken relationship, especially a not-so great relationship. What does not make sense is why you would want back someone who treated you like crap. What makes you believe NC can also “fix” a narcissistic, emotionally manipulative and controlling ex? How does that work?
NC helps me avoid messing up things further and allows any bad feelings she has toward me to settle down. But sometimes I do wonder if may be I screwed up too much, said a bunch of things I didn’t mean and what I’m doing now is digging me further in. I think I’m ready to get her back. Do you think that may be I should make a move now?
Just as it’s important to avoid repeating the behaviours that got you here in the first place, it’s equally important to make sure that your “non-action” (n/c) isn’t creating an even bigger obstacle to getting your ex back. And before you make a move, make sure you’ve made some real changes and have a realistic workable strategy and plan for dealing with the obstacles you might (and are bound to) encounter as you try to get her ex back. Just winging it is like jumping off a plane without a parachute.
I have had no contact with my ex and really no reason to make the effort since I don’t have feelings for her anymore. Each time we break up I cry, beg and plead and then go n/c and get myself together, date other women, and start loving my life again, and bam, she reappears and wants me back. I go back then we break up again. This time I’m not going back. I know she isn’t the one for me.
If you’re sure about your decision, I hope you stick to it. I’ve seen men and women spin their wheels back and forth – saying they’ve moved on one day and wanting to try to get back and ex the next. Most get stuck in this limbo for a very long period of time.
I agree with what you wrote. I went full n/c for 12 weeks when we first broke. I thought I was over her, but obviously I wasn’t, I was just lying to myself. I contacted her because the feelings are still there and she wrote back saying she learned to live without me and moved on. I want to do stuff with her as a friend now but it seems that’s not going to happen now.
You did what you hoped was the right thing at the time. If I hear you correctly “learned to live without me and moved on” means that she does NOT want to re-start the relationship (at least not now). It does not necessarily mean she does not want to do stuff with you as a friend (if that’s all you want). The best way to find out is to ask her. The trap for you will be if you’re hoping for more than a friendship.
I used NC to get him to come back, but NC is helping me realize that I deserve better. And we’d probably not get back together since I want children and he doesn’t.
Good for you! I’ve worked with women who say they’re willing to give up wanting children if that’s what will get an ex back. After they get an ex back they revert back to trying to convince him to want children or adopt. They break up again. It’s good to know what your deal-breakers are and find someone more compatible than waste time and emotions trying to arm twist an ex.
I have a question, I apply NC for a while my ex girlfriend contacts me and then I act like I did not care, later on I just contacted her and she was glad to heard from me. We even go out together even when I know she is with someone else, she just wrote me emails like two times and calls me once, all the other times I was the one making the calling and sending emails, she always is glad to heard from me but never calls me or send email. I think she is doing mind games but I’m still wants her back, how do I know if this are mind games. I send an email to her from time to time to know how she is and try to get more involved with her life with questios and be really happy for whatever response she give me, I mean honestly happy.
Any thoughts on this?
Lots! Read some of my posts in the “Mind Games” category. I recommend:
— 5 Common Signs That Tell You A Man or Woman is Playing You
— What Do You Do When Someone You Love Is Playing Mind Games?
You may also want to read:
— Signs Your Ex Is interested Again
— Win Your Ex Back With Pressure Free Contact
There are several reasons why No Contact has been appropriated by narcissists. For one, it’s easier using No Contact if you never attached in the first place. If you were never emotionally invested in the relationship, it’s easier to walk away. Narcissists also have a desire to punish those who fail them, criticize them, trigger their shame. On the surface, No Contact may appear to be warranted and people support narcissist’s convincing claims; but beneath their pretense of self-protection is hostility, aggression, and varying degrees of sadism.
Okay… you went there. You’re braver than I am… 😉
Truth spoken!
Being ignored by someone who is supposed to love you is horrible. I have abandonment issues and 3 yr abusive relationship and thought I found the one. He turned out to be manipulative an immature and we had a few fights and he completely ignore me. I will never forget the feelings it brought up an definitely not taking him back even if he comes back crawling on his ass.
Believe it or not, I very much agree with you that many people use NC thinking it’s for getting their ex back. I also agree with you that there are SOME who actually don’t even realize they are playing a mind game. But there are also people who don’t know any other way to make themselves attractive and desired other than through mind games… very sad, but true.
If you really understand NC, it’s a concept based on depriving someone of attention or love, with the hope of triggering some hidden insecurities or fears of rejection/abandonment. That’s what I have a PROBLEM with.
I don’t believe that anyone who truly knows love would do something so cruel to someone else to get what he/she wants. A person who knows love will see this as some twisted selfish idea of love, and will NOT embrace NC no matter how it’s marketed and no matter how many people use it. I can see someone who does not want anything to do with their ex — for one reason or the other — using NC to sever all future contact. But someone you want a relationship with, it’s just pure selfish– and cruel.
How would someone who does that to someone else feel if it was done to them???? If one is so hurt/angry by the break-up to the point of acting cruel… why not just move on? Why waste time and energy trying to get even with someone who probably doesn’t even care about you anymore…
Yes, you guessed it… I have a deep dislike for selfish and intentionally cruel people… (:
Unless someone is in an abusive relationship, please throw the no contact rule out the window. It’s the biggest bunch of horseshit in the dating and relationship game EVER!!!!
I agree with you 200%, on everything…
What most people don’t realize is that the “No Contact Rule” is mostly a North American thing. I talk to people all over the world, and some people are really confused as to why an adult who wants a relationship with their ex cuts that same person off for 21, 30, 60 or 90 days.
I think it has a lot to do with how we each learned to respond or react when we do not get what we want, or are told “not now”.
Some people can easily take it in stride but others find it really hard to emotionally deal with rejection, perceived or real.
And many “experts” instead of helping people deal with rejection in a healthy and positive way, encourage them to react in a very unhealthy way. Truly sad!
All you have to do to see the damage of such advice is look at the quality of relationships in different parts of the world. Our North American relationships are really messed up…. it’s all about manipulation, power-struggles and me, me, me. Very little focus, if any on “US” (you AND I).
I am really grateful for this site and the emotional depth it brings to relationships and breakups. I personally have never understood no contact, many have tried to explain it to me but no matter how they twist it, it still sounds unhealthy to me. The purpose of dating someone is to see if you can actually spend the rest of your life together. If for whatever reason, you find that you can’t be together as a couple or spend the rest of your lives together, well, that’s life. It doesn’t mean you can’t still find value in that person as a friend. He or she probably knows you better than anyone else in the world. Why wouldn’t you want to have someone who has wonderful insight into who you are in your life?
Thank you for your kind words. That’s the way I see dating/relationship too. Unfortunately not everyone has the same understanding of dating and/or relationships. Many take dating/relationships as trying to find someone to “make me happy ” and when that “happiness” is taken away, they lash out in all sorts of ways. The saddest part of all… these same emotional reactions to the end of a relationship creates a cycle of unhealthy attachments and relationships. It then makes sense to cut someone off… they’re not only disposable, they’re a painful reminder of the unhealthy attachment/relationship.
That’s a world away from “someone who has wonderful insight into who you are”.
Yangki, NC is detaching and allowing both of you “the space” to heal and be yourselves again.
Which is healthier…
1) Detaching to allow the other person space to be him/herself OR
2) Learning how to stay connected and still allow each other space to be yourselves?
I’d think the later because it’s about balance… independence and interdependence.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with a person who can’t balance connection and independence… and goes from one extreme (too much contact) to another (no contact at all), and then back again. I’d be weary of someone like that.
If you decide to cut me off, then be consistent… and stay cut off. But that’s just me… I have little tolerance for unhealthy relationships.
I ignored an ex boyfriend for over 1 year and I regret it. It tore apart the relationship and allowed room for someone else to come in between us. May be it works for needy men but it did not work for my ex who is secure and confident man. But if I were to do it again. definetly not going that route again. For all you who still have a chance, keep the lines of communication open.
I was doing no contact not because I was playing a game, I was honestly trying to move on. He sent me several texts wondering why I have ignored him but I did not respond. But after two months I still wasn’t over him, so I sent him a text. I did not say I missed him or anything, just asking how he is. He replied asking what I want. I asked him if we could talk and he said he’ll think about it. I understand that I pushed him away but can I get him back?
Sometimes it happens that you think you want to move on, and then realize that you don’t. He may be too upset to want anything to do with you, but it is also possible that he just fears rejection from you.
Try writing him a heart-felt email telling him you were trying to move on and didn’t handle it the right way. Make it clear that you are not trying to justify your actions, but that you want him to know you are sorry. Don’t ask him to give the relationship another chance or tell him how much you love him. One, he’s not open to hearing it, and 2) it’ll look like that’s the only reason you are “apologizing”. There are no guarantees that he’ll respond, or that if he responds it’ll be the response you hope for. The email is just you trying to reach out to him as open and vulnerable as you can be — without coming across as begging to be taken back.
Okay, this is cold water on my plans. I was going to do nc for 60 days then contact her. She dumped me because she thinks I am a control freak and use emotions to manipulate her. She’ll think not contacting her is manipulation.
You know your ex better… and answered your own question… (:
Heres another reason why No Contact is just plain foolish-
How would you feel if during the no contact period this person dies? Things happen.
Would you want to live the rest of your life regretting this foolishness?
Regret? I don’t think so!
They’d probably be thinking… he/she died thinking about me… he/she must have died because he/she missed me so much… he/she was going to contact me but death stopped him/her… if he/she had not died, we would be back together!
That’s how narcissistic we’ve become.
Ive been wanting to contact my ex but chicken out. I feel like he should contact me first since hes the one that broke up with me, but I know hes so stubborn and wont. We were together for five months and have been in no contact for two months and a half.
That’s a decision YOU have to make. If you do decide to reach out, be prepared for the fact that he may not respond… you were together for 5 months and no contact for 2.5!
@Brenda. I would like to take credit but it is Yangki’s advice and approach that helped me get my ex back. I was like you, I was reading all the advice and everybody was saying no contact then I found her blog and bought her book. Her approach is about love and communicating throughout the process. That’s basically what I did and got back my ex.
I hope it works out for you too.
KES: Thank you. I like your approach and it gives me hope after feeling silly for ignoring the one person I want to talk to most. My ex has reached out and I ignored him. Now I feel bad 🙁
Anyhow, I have to say that I really respect how you handled your situation. Hats off 🙂 I hope everything works out for you guys!
No Contact was the dumbest and most destructive thing I ever did, and I did many dumb things to get her back. I strongly advise against using it if you have a deep investment in your relationship. It’s good for high school romance and relationships you don’t have much stake in, but creates the opposite effect with someone you have spent many years with. They end up having doubts about you, and questioning the relationship. I stopped all that no contact bullcrap and ended up getting back my ex by talking and solving our problems.
So you are saying we should keep contacting our ex and begging them to take you back?
NO. That’s not what I’m saying.
You’ve touched on an interesting point that I have not written much about. I decided to create a new post to address some of the issues raised. Please see it here.
How is trying to take back control after a breakup a bad thing?
No one said taking back control of your EMOTIONS was a bad thing. Sadly, some people using “no contact” don’t understand that’s what it is for.
They are using it to try to take back control of “the relationship”, the “us”.
Trying to take back control of a relationship that is over is like being hit by someone, and after they are gone, getting up and hitting empty space and saying “I took control. I picked myself up and hit him/her back”.
The fight was over when the other person walked away.
I’ve been in this business long enough to know that over 95% of people using “no contact” already know it’s OVER. They just have a hard time accepting it. They put themselves through so much emotional anguish just trying to “save face”.
Don’t take my word for it. Just go over to the “no contact” support forums. If you carefully read between the lines, what you see is well-meaning people supporting and helping each other “move on”, which is a good thing. Not so good for men and women hoping to get their ex back, though!
No contact is essential. It’s a bit of an annoying game but men want what they “think” they can’t have.
You are dating the wrong guys… Sweetness…(:
If you have to “play a game” to keep him interested, he’s either immature, insecure and/or just likes the thrill of the chase, with no intentions of catching and keeping you.
But I hear you… too many of them out there. The question is, why play their game and make them think you’re “their” type — immature, insecure, insincere…
We are so much in love but fight all the time and it’s just exhausting. Do you think no contact for sometime might be best?
No contact will help you take a break from the fighting… you can’t fight if you’re not talking to each other. But it’s NOT going to fix the reason why you fight. The moment you start talking to each other again, the fighting will begin again.
You can go no contact to try to postpone the inevitable OR work on why you fight.
It’s been 1 month since we broke up. I deleted all her contacts, cell, facebook, email and permanently blocked her from msn. I’m worried that she tried to contact me and I won’t even know. She could have taken it the wrong way, given up and moved on.
In my opinion the only time it may be necessary to completely cut off all contact with an ex is if you want nothing to do with him/her, have told him/her to leave you alone but he/she persist in contacting you. Otherwise it makes no sense to make it impossible for someone you want to contact you to contact you.
If you feel ready to try to get her back, initiate contact and see what happens.
my ex broke up with me and got into a rebound relationship a week later. the guy shes with went to jail and she waited for him. i went no contact a month and she texted me, and over the next 2 weeks chatted like we were slowly becoming best freinds(like how we were when we dated) again. but then after talking to each other for a week straight she disappeared completely. its now been 4 months since the break up, and 2 months of no contact again. why did she stop talking to me again? i didnt bring up our past break up or begged her for anything. just played it cool.
I don’t know why she stopped talking to you again, only she can tell you why.
I can only speculate… 1) she was lonely and wanted someone to talk to, 2) after you went no contact she felt bad that she was that easy to forget and came back just to see if n/c meant you’d moved on so quickly. Once she found you still wanted to talk to her she knew she wasn’t easy to forget (mission accomplished!), or 3) she genuinely wanted to see if the two of you could work it out, and something reminded her why she broke up with you in the first place. Like I said, it’s only possible reasons.
The “why” is not important at this point, she may even not even know it herself. You’re only torturing yourself and it’ll keep you stuck and unable to truly move on.
Yangki, 30 days no contact will make your ex miss you more, whereas staying friends and constantly seeing each other’s flaws and being reminded of why it did not work out, makes it much easier to get back together.
You can’t make your ex “forget” why you broke up. You may temporary miss each other when you are not in contact, but that’s just nostalgia induced interest. Once you get back in contact, “why” you broke becomes the central focus again.
The mature approach is to deal with why you broke up, not try to “forget it”.
I tried the NC rule after my break up. It didn’t work. My ex moved on and began a new relationship with another woman one month after we broke up.
I’m past 30 days NC. When should I break the no contact rule?
I have no clue. I think that you’ll get better advice from someone who is an expert on NC.
My ex hasnt contacted me for 6 weeks- I sent an email today and have had no response- this is not like him at all- I was the best thing since slice bread in his eyes but that was probably lies- he confessed he was an alcoholic and manic depressive prior to the break up so dont know if this has anything to do with this silence- he never saw anyone prior to the break-up behind my back- please help
May be he has moved on and does not want anything to do with you, or may be he is doing the “no contact” rule, I have no idea. After 6 weeks of no contact, I don’t think that there is anything you can do to get him to respond, except wait until he contacts you. I’m sure you’ve already “done enough”, any more may cause even more damage (that’s if you even have a chance), and also you want to retain some dignity. This may not be what you want to hear, but there it is!
I was feeling so insecure that I stalked her via social media, and she left me. Then I harassed her with texting even more to make her come back, which of course didn’t work. Now I’m doing NC. The best way to manage my need to contact her is to never contact her at all. I don’t expect her to contact me either.
It’s understandable. You just proved my point that by the time most people go for NC, it’s almost always the case that there is really no chance for them to get their ex back. NC is their way of accepting that it’s really over. And there are also people for whom NC is their way of refusing to accept reality by pretending that the only reason their ex is not contacting them is because they are in NC.
Instead of just trying to “manage your need to contact her”, why not actually work on your insecurities that cause you to stalk and harass someone with texts. Until you address what is driving this behaviour, it’ll rear it’s head in many different ways in all your relationships — and drive away the very people you want to be close to. NC is only a band aid. It will not “cure” the problem.
I have to disagree with the author. I have cut off many, many exes after a break up and they all came back. Some after a few days, others weeks or months. My last ex came back after one year. He wrote me a long email saying that he regretted breaking up with me. But by then I had moved on and wasn’t interested anymore.
Believe it or not, I agree with you to a point. Someone can come back after being cut off, it happens. You know what they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But just because it’s right twice a day doesn’t mean it’s not broken.
My issue with the whole “cut him/her off” as a strategy to get the other person interested or want to come back is… what kind of relationship (if any) are you trying to create. I question the emotional maturity of the person using this as a strategy and also question the self-esteem, rejection or abandonment issues of the person who falls for it. The two don’t work for a healthy or lasting relationship.
You said yourself that you’ve cut of many, many exes. Because you are the one who did the “cutting off”, it implies that in many of those relationships you were the one that got dumped the first time and probably got dumped again immediately afterwards. If the relationships had lasted, there would not have been the “many, many exes”.
If I found myself having to cut off many, many exes, I’d take a good look at myself and what it is that I do that makes men dump me (many, many times) and only want me after I cut them off. It’d bother me a lot that I can’t get someone to want to be with me without me having to cut them off. But that’s just me. We’re all different.
For some of you complaining that no-contact didn’t work for you. Think of it this way, if your ex never tries to contact you after you go no-contact with him or her, the relationship wasn’t going to work anyways. No-contact helped you see that you were hoping for something that wasn’t going to happen.
Going by your logic, what you are saying is stop complaining that “No Contact” didn’t work because you didn’t get your ex back. “No Contact” did exactly what it is meant to do.
Then why do so many people think “No Contact” will get their ex back? Someone is not telling the truth about the real reason behind “No Contact”. “No Contact” is not to help you get your ex back, it’s to help you move on.
The NC rule is more for you to move on with your life. I was dumped by my girlfriend of 3.5 years. I tried to get her back but she said she had no more feelings for me. It’s been over 5 months and I have no hopes that we will get together, but I feel a lot better.
Wise guy. I wish more people would understand that No Contact (if you have to do it, not everyone has to or wants to do it), is for YOU to HEAL and MOVE ON. It is NOT an emotionally intelligent strategy for getting back your ex.
I pleaded and begged and nothing worked. Then I applied the no contact rule and within two days she called me. We aren’t exactly back together but its nice to know she still wants me in her life. It’s hard but give it a try.
I hear these kind of stories all the time. If you have to go to this lengths just to feel good that someone still wants you in her life, that’s sad. I’ll not be surprised that this very kind of neediness and desperation is what caused the end of your relationship in the first place.
Yes, she may have called you, and you might even manage to pull this off for a while, but she’s going to dump you again. Mark my word.
No contact didn’t work for me. I didn’t talk to my ex for 2 months, no FB, no calls, nothing. I still miss him very much and cry every night. We were together 7 years and had a beautiful friendship.
NO CONTACT = do NOTHING, achieve NOTHING.
Four weeks three days NC. I have not tried to reconnect with her and she has not contacted me yet. I want to give her three more weeks to reconnect with me again but if after three weeks I have not heard from her, I’m ready to move on.
You want this woman back but you think that you are doing her a favour giving her a chance to contact you!?
This is one reason I don’t bother giving advice to people using no contact. What’s the point? What kind of relationship does that kind of thinking create?
My ex and I have a 1 year-old child. I miss him very much and just want to know if he is okay. My question to you is, should I break N/C to ask about my little boy or will this ruin my chances of getting my ex back? Please help.
If you really cared about your son, you would not even be asking if you should break some stupid rule.
Of all the talk about NC, you don’t read stories about people who successful got their ex back after NC. Much of what you get on NC blogs is people boasting about their ex contacting them and them ignoring him or her.
That alone should tell you a lot about the emotional maturity of the people using no contact.
i dont know when to contact my ex..he forced the breakup needing to get his life on order, we talked last week and there are feelings there but he needs to get in a better place in his life and didnt want me waiting around which i disagree with…i was doing NC for a few weeks to give him space…when should I text him??? I think NC for a short while is good if its space they needed.
I’ve read your other comment too… you are definitely in the WRONG site. There is no advice here for people using “no contact” and want their ex back, or think no contact is healthy for the future of any relationship.
This site is for emotionally mature adults looking for mature and healthy ways to create and sustain mature, healthy and fulfilling relationships. “No contact” is NOT one of those ways.
I’ve used “No contact” with 2 bfs and both came back but things still didn’t work out. You can use “No contact”, but to heal and move on with your life, but if using it to win back the heart of the one you still love, no good will come from it. Granted sometimes it works out, but about 90% of the time based on others’ stories it doesn’t.
I initiated no contact with my ex. I tried to be grown up about it and did not delete her from FB or Messenger. But after she contacted me 2 times and I did not respond, she deleted me from both. At this point, I really wish I at least acknowledged her efforts to contact me. What do I do now?
You can either 1) stick to your no contact and pray and hope that when you contact her, she’ll want to talk to you or 2) swallow your pride and contact her.
There are no guarantees in this game, only opportunities and risks… No contact is a VERY big risk.
But I’m working on myself to become the person she was first attracted to. When I contact her she will see I have changed.
Does she know you are working on yourself? At this point she could be thinking you are angry because she broke up with you and trying to punish her for it. Also you are assuming she’ll believe you when you go back and say “I have changed”. Put yourself in her shoes, someone disappears for a few weeks and comes back claiming they are “different”. Hard sell. Even if you think you are going to “show” her instead of tell her, you’re not even sure she’ll give you that opportunity.
In other words, you are working on a lot of assumptions… the reality could be very different. I believe that keeping pressure-free contact while you work on yourself gives you a better chance 1) you are as close to reality as possible because you can see how she’s reacting to you and 2) your contacts will include the things you are doing to change making your efforts to change more believable.
That’s my advice, but feel free to do what you think works for you!
I don’t agree with this article at all. No contact is for showing your ex how wonderful you are by letting them miss us. No contacting or what so ever at all. Unless after a while they contact you after you made them feel to miss you.
Your ex’s current view of you is most likely the one he/she had when you broke -up. If you were needy, controlling, argumentative, irresponsible, cheating etc, he/she’s not going to miss you at all because he/she still thinks that’s who you are and who you will always be. You may find yourself waiting for that contact for the next 10 years…
I may have some misconceptions, so please excuse me if this is way off base. Sometimes the “no contact rules” are imposed by the other person. She texted me not to contact her unless I want to start over. She also said “friendship” is not an option. I have no choice in the matter but to respect her wishes and not contact her until she wishes to speak to me. I don’t have hope of getting back together as I don’t want to make the mistakes that I have in the past with others.
Response to Bigbear:
You are right. Not everyone is emotionally strong. As long as you are using the time to heal and not lying to yourself that it will make your ex “miss you’ or make you more “attractive”, you should be okay.
Response to Daren:
You might want to read my article: How To Stop Your Ex’s No Contact Rule
I agree with everyone here who says keeping the no contact rules in place defeats the whole purpose of trying to fix what is broken. In my case I’m using it for me, to heal. There are people who can still talk to their ex without somehow getting hurt by it, I envy those people. Me, I need my time to heal.
My ex contacted me after 2 weeks of no contact. She was trying to start up conversation but I refused to answer. How long will it take for her to be curious of me and do I answer the next time?
Looks like it took her 2 weeks… but then you refused to reply. I don’t know why people like you put themselves through this. Truth is, it’s impossible to tell how long it takes for someone to be curious about their ex — or even if they’ll ever be curious at all. She might or might not contact you again especially after you refused to respond… but if she does, follow her cue.
To be honest, I’m reluctant to give any advice because I know if this is how you operate… any advice is just a waste of time. You really need to change how you approach relationships in general… and how you try to get your ex in particular.
L’original, you are so right. I also did a Google search, saw one article titled “The No Contact Rule Really Does Work Reader Success Story” but when I clicked to read the story, guess what? The success story was that no contact helped someone move on. LOL.
Been in no contact for 3 weeks, and no word from her. Now I am having second thoughts. Maybe I will give it a few more days and then message her. I don’t want to move on, I want my ex back.
I came here trying to prove to myself that I’m going in the right track keeping contact with my ex. After reading your post, I did as you said and Googled “no contact rule” and just as you said NO HAPPY ENDINGS. None of the people really got their ex back for good.
It seems that all of this no contact rule is really a disguise to get over the breakup.
I agree that NC should only be used for healing and moving on, but it’s hard not to have some kind of hope that they’ll com back. At this point I know that it’s only wishful thinking on my part because she has not contacted me in 3 months. It’s been only a few weeks that I’ve started using NC for the sole purpose of moving on and not wanting her back and I’m starting to be okay with knowing she’s not coming back.
Is it better to see someone a few times, have a lot of fun, and see if the spark will reignite again…or is it more attractive to just never talk to them again?
Different things work for different people, and different people have different goals. But if you are looking at re-igniting a spark, there has to be some sort of contact for there to be a spark (law of friction or whatever…). No attraction will happen when you are over here and she’s over there — with no point of contact.
Thinking that attraction will happen because you are not contacting someone may just be wishful thinking especially if you are dealing with someone who is still mad at you, is stubborn or proud, is afraid that they might be rejected if they reached out to you, or thinks it’s been a while… you might have moved on.
Bottom line, do what you’re comfortable doing.
When you are overwhelmed with pain you need a way to detach so that you can gain control over your feelings and stay safe.
That’s the “emotions are bad and must be avoided” approach to emotional pain. By detaching you actually miss out on what the pain is trying to tell you about why there is a difference between your desired reality and current (unwanted) reality.
The “emotions are natural, and necessary” approach is to engage the pain and learn from it. Not only is the healing complete/whole but you’re more likely to emerge with a “mental toughness” that’ll help you re-engage your ex is a more wholesome way.
These are compelling reasons not to use no contact:
1. a reactionary approach to getting your ex to cooperate does not, will not, and cannot work.
2. you are acting in ways that are contrary to the best interests of your relationship.
i finally found out after 2 months,that the reason my ex left me coz hes been cheating with another girl. I have been in contact with him before to try to get him back, but now after finding out the real reason and i did texted him that i found out the truth, but he didnt even confess nor admit yet… Will no contact work in my favour with regards to my situation.. since he doesnt seem apologetic for what he did yet..coz being in contact would make me look like i have no dignity..
Please read the post and comments above. If you are looking for advice on using no contact, you may have to go blogs/forums where people think no contact is a good idea.
Tony wrote “said she didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone”
The love doctor is right. Sometimes people don’t want to tell you the truth about why they are breaking up with you and use all kinds of code words. From personal experience (3 breakups), it is very hard to work things out when someone is not honest with their reasons for breaking up with you.
What I have learned is that is it’s never about the things you are disagree on or are fighting about in the first place. If you are always fighting about not spending time together for example, it isn’t about ” spending time together”, it’s about not feeling loved or validated.
I usually get hit hard, and in the past held harder to the pain… getting better at it.
“Taking-a-break” to heal is over-simplified by “no contact” rule. It’s taken as a reaction to a painful experience instead of a response to a call to growth.
Good for you…(:
You put the over-simplification of “taking-a-break” beautifully. It takes a certain level of awareness to understand the difference between a reaction and a response. Sadly, most of us are taught to fear painful emotions and as a result “react” instead of “respond” to them. The high price we pay…
I read many of your posts and comments on no contact and really like what you have to say. I’ve used no contact twice in two different relationships but not as a strategy to get back my ex but to separate myself from the pain. To me, it seemed reasonable to be stronger and “more healed” before I could take on the challenge of trying to get my ex back. My max. time for no contact has been 2 weeks. In both cases I never got back my ex, but I was glad to have taken the time to deal with my pain.
“…stronger and “more healed”…” I totally agree! How long it takes to get there varies from person to person. It’s all in how well (years of training) we process emotions from painful and even devastating experiences, acccept the new reality and intergrate the experience into our flow of life. I know some people who are so emotionally resilient that they bounce back within hours and and I also know many people who stay in emotional pain far too long because it gives them something to be sad, mad, resentful, talk etc about..
But that’s the difference between you and many people using no contact. It was for YOU. Many people who use no contact do so because they believe it will make their ex’s heart “grow fonder”. They run away from someone they think is causing them the pain, and weeks or a month later reappear expecting no contact to have sorted out their problems. Talk about burying the head in the sand!
I also did no contact for 8 weeks and when I contacted her she didn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t blame her, she was so forgiving and understand¬ing and I was the one that treated her with indifference. When I first started no contact she called me telling me she had made a mistake but I ingored her just like I did so many times when we we were together. I have lost the most wonderful woman in the world. I’d give anything to have her back but she has made it clear that’s not going to happen. For all of you out there who still have a chance, I say do not do no contact if your relationship is worth saving.
Said she didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I took it hard and went no contact. Heard from a friend that she has been seeing a new guy for over a month and is very happy. Now working on moving on. I thought she was going to stay single forever…LOL.
Really sorry… that must hurt like you’ve been dumped all over.
Sometimes people say “I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone” because they think telling you the real reason they are breaking up with you will hurt you. But a breakup hurts no matter how you dress it. Based on your comment, I take it that you are not going to try to get her back but move on…
After 8 months of strict no contact she texted me. After a number of texts back and forth over 1 week period, I asked her if she wanted to meet up over a drink and she said yes. I was excited, really cleaned up (I lost 10lbs) and put on my best shirt. I arrived early but when she walked in, I almost died. She was with another guy she introduced as her new boyfriend. They have since broken up.
I’m back to no contact, 5 weeks. She came back to me once, I think I’ve been waiting ever since for her to do it again. But after almost 6 months of waiting I’m slowly losing hope. I still love her and miss her very much but I don’t know what to do.
Have you thought of… may be… contacting her? What have you got to lose? The worst that can happen is that she does not reply or replies and says she’s moved on. That will break your heart all over again, but then you’ll move on. In my opinion, that’s better than where you are right now…. endlessly waiting for contact that may never come!
Yangki, I’ve spent hours on your blog and your advice is the best. Here is my situation. I was in no contact for 2 weeks but then felt bad about it and contacted her. That was 4 days ago, and haven’t heard from her. Do you think 2 weeks of no contact have cost me a chance with her?
I don’t think much damage is done in 2 weeks of no contact.
1) It’s only been 4 days, there is still a possibility that she’ll respond.
2) When you first contact an ex after a while, they may be suspicious of your intentions and not reply. You may need a few more contacts before someone actually responds. So don’t give up on just first try.
3) Whether or not you get back together depends more on why you broke up and the nature of the break-up, than on anything else. The less the drama, the better chance you have of getting back again.
Yangki, I think that no contact works if in the relationship your ex showed that he is not afraid of losing you. He will wonder why, this time, are you are acting this way instead of always being the one chasing him? I have always been there for my ex and never given him reason to think he could lose me. I’m now in no contact for 3 weeks and he is acting like he does not care but I know he does. He has visited my FB 2X and a friend told me he asked about me. I think no contact is working.
You’re assuming your ex who’s not cared if he loses you or not (and whom I assume ended the relationship) is suddenly going to start chasing you??? Please come back here in 6 months and tell me how it worked out for you! That’s all I can say.
I’ve used no contact on and off with my past relationships, and they all ended with us not getting back together. Just as well, to be honest. I was never really fully committed to those relationships. I’ve met a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But she broke up with me last week. I’ve considered using no contact but since it never worked before, I know it will not work this time round. Also I don’t want to lose this woman, I know she’s the one for me. I was looking into getting your eBook, Dating Your Ex because of the reviews I’ve read, but wondering if it includes advice on how to keep in contact with someone who is not too keen on responding to texts or calls. I want to keep contact but not overdo it.
Good for you for choosing not to do No Contact this time round.
As you already know, I do not endorse, advice or encourage No Contact. So if you are looking for a mature, healthy and effective way to get back into your ex’s life, I think you’ll find the book helpful.
There is like 3 sections in the eBook all dealing with keeping in contact in the most effective way. I’ve also covered how to slowly move things forward even when the other person is not so keen on getting back together. How to keep persisting and when to step back, and not push or force things to happen prematurely.
No contact cost me my girl. I ignored her and the only thing that happened was her disliking me more. The reason she broke up with me was because I was never there for her the way she asked… and my stupid ass didn’t listen. Instead I followed the no contact advice and gave her a better reason to stay away from me. She wants nothing to do with me and I’m more broken hearted.
If you just broke up with your ex, my advice is don’t do no contact. Don’t do it!
Yangki – Since our breakup months ago, you helped validate my belief that I should stay in touch with my ex, despite most advice out there. To act from love and compassion, and to realize that the easier option isn’t always the better option.
Recently, we’ve started to grow closer again, seeing each other a handful of times, talking every day, and still feeling a strong attraction. Currently, life circumstances prevent him from being in a place for a relationship (some of these helped contribute to our breakup.) But I am trying my hardest to let go and let him deal with what he needs to for himself. And he knows I am here for him and still love him. True love is worth fighting for, and if I went NC, I know for a fact I would not still have a chance. Thank you for giving hope and reason a voice.
I’ve read this blog with a lot of interest. As a Psych. Major I believe that No Contact is a passive aggressive reaction to rejection. When we feel hurt by someone, in our anger at being rejected, we want to hurt them back just as we have been hurt. In the mind of the rejected person, the rejecter deserve to suffer for it.
But I think that there are far better ways to cope with rejection and hurt than with anger, because anger itself acts like a poison in your own heart that ultimately degrades the quality of your own life.
I agree… the thing though is that you can only hurt someone if 1) they have their own rejection/abandonment issues and 2) you have a kind of psychological and emotional hold on them.
The tricky part is while many of us want to think that we had a strong emotional “connection” with someone, it’s not always as strong as what we think in our minds. We think we have a psychological and emotional hold on someone but when put to the test with NC, we find out we really don’t… and it’s too late to do anything about it.
Self-absorbed and narcissistic people especially tend to overestimate the impact they think they have on others.
My ex has used no contact whenever we broke up, and like the fool I am, I always fell for it. This is mostly because my mother used shutting down emotionally to make me do what she wanted. This has pretty much been the relationship with my ex for the last 3 years. I have held resentment towards her and she complained that I’m not the man she fell in love with. We again broke up end of Oct. and she has been in no contact since. She expects me to go begging her to talk to me but I’m done. Enough is enough.
I hear you! Mind games can leave you unsure about your judgment… and sometimes untrusting and pessimistic.
You allow it once, they’ll keep doing it because it works for them… and you only have yourself to blame.
If you have the time, read my post: What Do To When Your Ex Is Playing Mind Games
Hi Love Doctor, Thank you for the highly professional advice that you are giving away “freely”. Even though I think this is not going into mainstream, the few (or many of us) who follow this kind of advice make it worth it.
As you have already mentioned, other than severing all contacts, No Contact is a mind game and a mind game is what its name implies… it is a game, where one can win or lose.
Not going mainstream… you are right about that…(: If people like you are finding the advice helpful, that’s all I care about!
In other areas of life, yes… one can win or lose. In love, no one is a winner with mind games. You think you’ve won but in reality you’ve lost. Take NC for a example, you may “win” getting someone to contact you… but lose in getting them to love you on FREE-WILL. Just go to the NC support forums and read their stories… most have their hearts broken again…and again… and yet they still keep doing NC…
Win/lose attitude is why most of the most cunning, manipulative, pushy, aggressive (“winner”-type) people struggle and suffer most in relationships. The very “skills” that help them to be successful in other areas of life, sabotage them when it comes to love, affection, attention, passion, excitement, trust, companionship etc. These elude them like the “love repelant” that they are.
I’m of the opinion that people should do what they want to do and seek advice from whoever they want. I don’t encourage mind games in my work and in my blog… Enabling relationship dysfunction just doesn’t sit right with me.
So breaking someone’s heart is not selfish and downright cruel?
NO. Everyone has the right to end a relationship they don’t want to be in anymore. That’s not selfish or cruel. Trying to force someone to stay in a relationship that he/she believes is not good for him/her is selfish and downright cruel.
That said. How someone ends a relationship can be selfish and downright cruel. If someone acted selfish and cruel ending the relationship, why do you want that person back, anyway? They’ve demonstrated to you that they are capable of treating you with cruelty — and they probably will do it again.
My point is: returning the selfishness and cruelty is not worth it in the long run. You only create more pain and hurt for yourself down the road. Someone who comes back because their insecurities were triggered is not coming back because of love — or you. They are coming back because of their insecurities! They’ll most likely leave again (or stop contact) once their insecurities are reassured (they know they’re still loved or wanted). That’s all they care about — not you!
You are right again. That’s probably why NC does not work. You know what they say about karma.:/
Feel free to educate me… in PG, please…lol
NC got my ex to contact me again after a month of NC. But for the last 3 months I’ve been doing all the initiating contact. I wait for him to initiate contact but after 4 – 7 days I contact him to which he responds 2 -3 days later. When we were together we texted each other 10 – 20 times a day, sometimes me initiating it and sometimes him. But since we re-established contact he’s never initiated any contact. It’s become apparent that he’s either lost interest during the time that we were not in contact or he’s at a point where friendship is the only thing in his mind.
My ex broke up with me for lack of time on his part. Its been a month and we still text each other almost daily off and on. We are friends and feel that connection still and miss each other and plan on hanging out in the future when his time frees up because he has 2 jobs and one of them will be less demanding. I still love him and dont want him going anywhere. Im usually the one to initiate contact every day in some way even its a good morning. Does no contact work with exs being reasonably friendly if we go away for a bit? Or have I created this monster because im the one always contacting him first? Advice? I want us back together in the future.
No Contact is for moving on. Period. Using it for anything else is mind game playing. You might want to read my post: 6 Psychological Reasons People Use No Contact.
Yangki, I agree with everything you say about NC. I have tried No Contact so many times and can do it successfully for 9 weeks but the moment we get back together, it’s back to fighting and lies mostly on his part. We have broken up and got back together at least 8 times and now I’m convinced that it’s just never going to work. I think that I’m finally ready to move on.
No contact definitely didn’t work for me. I never called or texted her for 3 months. When I contacted her she asked me to completely forget her. I’m more miserable now that before I did no contact. NC does not work, what works?
Dating Your Ex!
I know what your next question will be… “how do I date my ex?” My experience is that a majority of people who are drawn to no contact are looking for a “magic spell”; that one thing they have to do and tah-dah!
It doesn’t work like that. If you’re too lazy to do the hard work, too afraid to put yourself out there, too unskilled to know what to do… you will NEVER get your ex back. That I guarantee.
If you want to get your ex back, you have to go into it like you’re starting to date someone new — except that it’s your ex. Just like when you’re starting to date someone, it’s not one thing you do. It’s a process, a series of steps that require flexibility, focus and determination, quick thinking and emotional toughness, perseverance and unconditional love. This is what my blog and book are about. Read the posts and the articles on my website, and if you like, buy the book as well. I also provide telephone coaching for those that need additonal support/guidance.
So what do you advice me to do?
I have no advice… I have none because I don’t know how you get someone back without contacting them. By leaving all the contacting to her, you’ve put all the power to ACT in her hands and all you can do is REACT to what she chooses to do. Because she is the one who has the “power” to act, she’s decided to go to France with her new boyfriend and all you can do it WAIT for her to return and contact you.
It’s up to her to decide if she wants to send you photos or not, and when she returns she decides if she wants to contact you…or not! She owns you… and you seem very happy with that.
Beats me why you (or anyone who wants an ex back) would give your ex the power to decide what she wants to do with your life. May be it’s just me… I want to be the one who decides what to do with MY life. That includes contacting someone when I feel like it and not contacting them when I don’t.
You might be interested in a similar discussion on my post: 6 Psychological Reasons People Use No Contact… more in depth discussion there.
NC worked for me. I went NC for 3 weeks without any contact with her. After I felt much better and more confident, I contacted her. After two days she replied. I asked if she wanted to get together in the next week or so to just catch up and she said sure. The next day to my surprise I got a call from her. We talked briefly and I cut the conversation short. She told me she has a boyfriend but I kept it cool. I didn’t call her again for 3 days and she again called me. She said she told her boyfriend about me and he was cool with it. She also said she was happy that she and I are taking again. It’s been over 8 weeks, I’ve never initiated contact in any way, all contact is initiated by her. I’ve maintained a stance of NC. So the NC does work. I just wish I knew if I am getting anywhere with her. She’s going with her boyfriened to France for 1 month. She always wanted to go to France. I told her to send me pictures and she said sure but added “are you sure?” Why would she ask that?
Because the pictures will be of her and her new boyfriend — in France! Have you considered the fact that she might be thinking you’re now “just friends” and her being happy that you’re talking again means to her that you’ve accepted the breakup/moved on?
This is the problem with “no contact”… people spend so much time and energy on “no contact” as if it’s what gets an ex back.
I’m really freaking out. I’m in no contact for 3 weeks and by bad luck I was crossing the street and saw my ex with another guy. They both did not see me I’m sure of that. They were in conversation, gesturing and she seemed really happy like when we were together and things were good. She’s also dyed her hair and lost weight so she looks very good. I want to continue NC but afraid that she is moving on. She has made no contact since we broke up. How long before she will call me after nc? Will she ever want me back? Do you know what the statistics are for getting back together after no contact?
You obviously didn’t read the article or my answers to the questions/comments. Please take time to read the article, and if you still have time also read the comments.
I hear all you’re saying about no contact but in my case i think that it’ll work. The only thing that works is if she feels that she is not that important in my life anymore. If I ignore her and not contact her at all, it’ll make her feel I don’t care anymore.
I still think it’s a losing strategy… but I’m not here to try to convince you to do anything. If you feel old enough to be in a relationship, then you’re old enough to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. Do what you think you have to do and see where that gets you.
I dated my ex for two years and she lived with me for a year. During the year we lived together her mother died and I lost my job. She moved out before Christmas and we continued to talk. She started becoming distant and short so I started the NC rule. After a week she responded via text saying that she loved me. I broke the NC rule and responded stating “We aren’t in 5th grade anymore and if all she wants to do is text I’m not interested.” Then I texted her again stating “If you want to met and discuss our relationship and make changes to let me know.” She stated “Okay, got it” To me I stated my boundaries and what I expect and it’s sink or swim in her court. What do you think?
I think the same thing I’ve written here over and over… I do not think NC works, at least not in healthy relationships. Any dynamic that relies on mind games, manipulation and emotional blackmail will at some point whether one wants it or not, become so toxic that it’ll explode — and it won’t be pretty!
Relationship confident and/or emotionally healthy people do not — and will not use NC as a love strategy. It goes against every fibre of their being!
all relationships are a game if you believe it or not.if you dont find the right balance then most likely one will take the other for granted, imagine having mcdonalds evryday you wil eventually get bored this is the same as seeing to much of each other.
“all relationships are a game if you believe it or not”.
This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. For you to come to this, you must have a really hard time with relationships in general. I hope that some day you’ll experience what some of us have… relationships that are honest, sincere, authentic, loving and fulfilling. But first, you’ll have to challenge your own belief about relationships…
I think you have to know and understand the person you are dealing with when using NC.
My ex hates to be ignored. Every time I go NC it drives him nuts. He sends me like 5 texts a day but I respond politely yet aloof then go silent for a while. This makes him reach out to me even more.
So where does love come in? I hate to say this but when a relationship is based on power struggle games, that relationship is doomed. Wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if someone reaches out to you because he loves you not because you’re playing a game? It’s a no-win situation. You’re missing out on what a relationship based on love feels like.
Hi Yangki,
That’s great – thanks, and definitely what I need to hear. I kind of had that reasoning in my head, but I guess I’m trying to grasp at straws. So thanks for putting an end to that torturous process, and thanks in general for your all your articles!
I know how hard it must be what happened… but even harder to see how one day love will again come knocking. But if you keep your heart open and receptive, love will come in — it always does — in the form, time and manner you never expected.
Thank you for your kind words… (:
Not if she’s hooked to the drama and someone is getting paid to supply the choice of drug…
Books that promote NC sell so much more than those that don’t. If you write a book that actually gets an ex back, you can only sell it one time to one customer. They get their ex back and that’s it. But if you write a book about NC, you can sell it more than once to the same customer because the customer will keep coming back again and again and you can sell the same hogwash again and again.
I’ts all about the money. Follow the money.
lol! You can’t really talk soneone who believes that NC works out of it. Believe me, I’ve tried and tried and time and again failed. Some things one just has to learn the hard way.
I agree with you… thought I’d try anyway… (:
I just don’t understand how someone can think NC is working if they’ve done it 5 times and still end up in the very same place – broken up?!?!
She seems like a sincere person who really loves her ex and I hope she’ll see the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result…
whenever i do contact him he rejects me. i want him to be the first one to message me or call.
and what if the NC worked before?
This is what i said before… But something tells me, I’m shouting at the wind… now I’m quite sure I am… (:
So what should I do? since i contacted him alredy, i really want him back. dont want to move on. and if a person does somehing more than 5 times are they going to do it again?
This is exactly what NC does to people – get them all worked up on “will he/she contact me or will he/she not?” Talk about self-torture!!!
There is not one thing you can do to attract him back, there are quite a few things you need to do.
… if a person does something more than 5 times are they going to do it again?
I don’t know. It depends on why they did it the other 5 times and if they feel that there is a pay-off in doing it again. people do things that they very well know are dysfunctional/painful/destructive because there is some kind of “pay-off” in doing it. But like all things there is a diminshing curve, where the “pay-off” loses it’s value and keep doing the same thing isn’t beneficial anymore.
hey my ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. weve been together on and off for a year and a half. he used to break up with me and then come back. it happened maybe 4 times. everytime he used to deleted off of everything. and this time he didnt. he sent me a message 2 times, first txting saying do you wanna hang out, and then msn (2 different days) and then when i said im busy he would say “im sorry wrong person”. i didnt contact him for about 1 week. and everytime we broke up the NC always worked. whetever it was no talking for 3 weeks or 2. i really dont know if he is going to come back this time? HELPP
As you read on this post, all over my blog and website, I DO NOT BELIEVE NC WORKS! Not in a healthy loving relationship. NC is an immature, dysfunctional mind game that as you have said yourself promotes unhealthy on-and-off relationships. My advice… STOP THE MIND GAMES and you might actually have a chance of having a healthy, loving and lasting relationship. But something tells me, I’m shouting at the wind… (:
Hi Roger, thanks for your personal story and question. Unfortunately, we will not approve it here under this post because 1) It’s too long – personal stories are distracting. This blog is for people looking for answers and many want to get straight to the answers and not have to read through other people’s stories. 2) It has nothing to do with the original post. Please read our Ask A Question Guidelines and submit your question by email.
i am 22 yrs old and this is my third relationship with a woman. i read the post that you requested and my question to you is what do i do know? she told me that i am emotionally and verbally abusive but we all say things when we are anger or in the heat of the moment.. right now she changed her # and the only way i hear from her is through email but i contact her first. she barely writes back. dont want to push her away by emailing all the time.. so im just looking for some advice and how to get her back and become as one
I’m happy to help. So far I’ve given you as much advice as I can with the little info I have about your relationship. It’d be better to talk on phone and get some more details/better picture of the relationship — problems, why you broke up, what you’ve done since the breakup, where the resistance might be and what needs to be done to try to get her back. With better understanding of your situation, I’m more able to give you advice that I believe works for your particular situation.
Basically im the one thats chasing and begging everytime she decides to brake up… she leaves me over silly stuff like she told me to kiss her butt and i tld her no and she was like i get someone who will do it.. i said fine.. she tried to storm out the house… when we at the club and we are broken up shes kissing on different people and when i dance or converse with someone she wnts to fight.. everytime she dumps me she changes her number.. what can i do.. we been on and off for about 7mnts.. i love her and it might sound crazy but she completes me… she always ignore me when we fight.. but i still have fight left in me.. should i ignore her???
Sorry, but I just have to ask… please don’t take it as an insult…how old are you? I ask because you write “she completes me”… sounds like something a teenager would say.
No one completes you but YOU! If you go into a relationship expecting to be “completed”, you are in for a rude awakening.
As for your question…”should I ignore her?” My question back to you is what do you hope that will achieve? Don’t tell me, just read my post: Acting Aloof and Distant To Make Someone Love You and Want You More.
Sorry, Princess Victoria, your comment could not be approved because it’s too long. It’s best if you submit it as a separate question. Please see the guidelines for asking questions.
i went out with someone two years ago, for 3 months. Although he cheated and lied compulsively he keeps contacting me, we have go bac together and broke up again, but when i apply the n/c rule he always contacts me when i am in touch the contact from him is less frequent. I beleive he is a narcassist and wants his supply (im one supply perhaps), last time we got together i told him its casual i dont want to date him as i do enjoy his company, we even slept together for the first time, then soon after i started to blan him period and he has been making contact daily but has stopped for a while, but im sure he will be back. Maybe he feels used or rejected but i dont care he derserves it!
My ex used NC all the time. I always felt stupid going back because as soon as I came back and told him that I still loved him, he would go back to just ignoring and rejecting me and it went on back and forth for 4 years! He always hurt me by saying that he preferred what ever girlfriend he had at the time after he made me believe that he didn’t have anybody. It will be a year next March since I spoke to him last. I am not contacting him because I don’t want to be used or get hurt anymore. I am the mother to his daughter and he told me that because he didn’t love me he couldn’t love our daughter. He is currently living with the woman he cheated on with me. This man is not a healthy choice for me or my daughter. I am not contacting him because it’s the best thing for me and my baby. Unfortunately, he’s so immature that he has recently begun to contact me again but he uses alias’s because he thinks I’m so dumb I won’t figure it out. He can’t even tell me that it’s him. I refuse to go back to psychologically/emotionally painful situation
Does no contact work on getting your ex when it was a short term (5 months) relationship?
Your question is answered in both the original Love Doctor’s Answer and comments.
No contact doesn’t bring back your ex, period.
The propinquity effect: “the more we see and interact with a person, the more likely he or she is to become our friend or intimate partner.”
Except when the person has annoying habits that get worse the more we see and interact with him or her – needy, clingy, confrontational, combative, bitch, whiny, negative, manipulative, indecisive, cynical, preachy, nit-picky, talkative … should I go on? : =)
I been with a wonderful girl for just over 3 years we broke up about 5 months ago and i have gone N/C for about 4 months not sure excatly why we broke up there mayb many reasons like working to much not taking her out enough being boring not getting on with her friends etc. anyway everyday i think about this girl and suddenly after we promised to never contact each other again i received a missed call from her!? So is this accidental or is she trying to contact me and mayb get back together?
It could be accidental and it could be that she’s trying to contact you. You might want to read my post “Signs That Your Ex Is Becoming Interested Again“. The comments in the post answer some of your questions.
I tried every way to get my ex to respond to my texts and emails, so I sent him a “good-bye letter”. I thought the letter would “shock” him and he’d respond. Have I completely ruined my chances of getting him back? How can I reverse this?
I don’t know any other way of digging your way out of it other than wait to see if he’ll contact you. You’ll look really stupid (let alone desperate) if you sent another email or text to say you did not mean to say goodbye. If this is the end, at least try to go with some dignity.
But it’ll at least hurt her to think that I got over her so fast. She’d know I’m not pinning over anymore.
If hurting her is your goal then may be you’ll succeed. She’ll hurt and then she’ll come back just to see if you are REALLY over her. Once she realizes you’re not really over her but playing head games, she’s gone again. As for you… back to “No Contact!”
If she DOES NOT WANT YOU and does not care if you’re over her or not, she’ll be grateful that the emailing, calling, texting and all the crazy things finally stopped! And she has you out of her life – for good.
Either way, “no contact” didn’t do what you hoped it’ll do – get her back!
I’ve read stories of people who after bothering an ex with emails, calls, texts and doing really crazy things to get an ex back decided to do the “no contact” thing and it worked and their ex came back because they missed them. Is this a small percentage of success with “no contact” or is it how long they implemented the strategy? I was just wondering.
Their ex didn’t come back because of the no contact. They came back because they figured out they still loved the other person and wanted to have a relationship. If your ex doesn’t want to be with you, he/she won’t care whether you do “no contact” or not. Let me rephrase it this way: No amount of NO CONTACT can make someone who doesn’t want to come back come back!
I have to agree with the idea that NC as a tactic to make someone miss you is dodgy, at best.
In the case of calamitous break-ups, though, I would venture to say that NC is an absolute necessity for the person who has been dumped, otherwise proper healing, growth, soul-searching and decision-making about if they want to try to have a new relationship with the person who dumped them can’t take place.
If the success of a new relationship with an ex- hinges on change (and it does), then NC is the necessary environment for that change to occur, free from hurtful post-break-up game playing, stringing along, and so on.
My 0,02 €. 🙂
During the first N/C, he was texting and calling alot but I ignored them until his apologgy. First time, I know was his guilt..now I dont know what to call it…
I’ve been reading your articles and posts and have to say your advice is different from all the others. I sent my ex No Contact Message word for word without any changes because I was advised on another forum that this is how I take control of the situation. Now I’m so worried it has backfired on me. My ex sent me a text saying it’s for the best, he had false hopes of us getting back together but now he can move on and sincerely wishes me a good life. He’s cut me off, changed his facebook relationship status from “rough patch” to “single again” and blocked and deleted me on msn. This is not what I wanted. Is there still a chance for me to get him back? How? He broke up with me.
This doesn’t sound like being IN CONTROL of the situation. Whatever you said in what you call “No Contact Message word for word without any changes” seems to have ticked him off so much that he changed his mind about any chances of getting back together and even cut you off. Without knowing what was in the message I can’t really say there MIGHT be a chance or not.
I suggest that you to contact whoever wrote the “No Contact Message” and ask him/her what you do to get your ex back when something like this happens.
so what would be the best strategy to reconcile without risking my dignity?
This particular post is about using NC and related q&a to help people resolve immediate issues. Keeping comments focused on the topic helps people find the information they’re looking for quicker and easily.
If you’re looking for a strategy/step by step plan on getting an ex back, I have an eBook, 555 pages on how to get your ex back without the tricks and maniplation game. You can also click on the “get your ex back” category for more posts and more articles on my website that address individual situations.
I texted her and told her not to contact me as I try to sort myself out first and would contact her when I was ready. She texted back that she’ll respect my wishes. N/C for 35 days then contacted her. She texted me saying not to contact her, she’s trying to sort herself out and will contact me when she’s ready. But I found out from a mutual friend that she’s seeing someone else. Not serious but they’re going out 2/3X a week. I have a feeling that her N/C might be forever. Now what do I do?
It’s out of your hands now. If you try to contact her it’ll look like you refused to respect her wishes when she respected yours. Just let it be. If it’s meant to be she’ll contact you when she’s ready. If not, move on and find yourself someone else.
N/C seems a bit cruel but sometimes one is left with no choice. We were together 8 months and I hated the feeling of “chasing after him”. We broke up 3 weeks ago. I’m doing N/C to give him a taste of what it feels like. I’m just not sure if he has even noticed it yet. It’s driving me nuts thinking he may not even care that I’m not chasing him anymore. How do I know if N/C is Working?
This is what is wrong with making NC about the other person. You don’t know for sure how the other person will react or if they’ll even react at all. All you can do is assume and hope – and torture yourself.
NC is about YOU. Use NC to heal and grow.
Wonderful advice here. I just wish I knew all this information when the break up first happened, I’d have not wasted my time and avoided the humiliation!!!
My ex and i dated for about a year, broke up. Didnt talk for a year then got back together. After being together again for about 3 months he cheated on me, i forgave him but then he later expressed how he didnt love me anymore. He came back to me a months after telling me how he really feels and said that month really gave him time to realize he needed me and that he would like to try again. I completely ruined it and he cut me out of his life for 8 months! it was lonely and terrible, but i got threw it. Were talking now but im not quite sure he has the same love for me as he used to…i am still deeply inlove with him. Every now and again hell text me to see how im doing, he suggests that we hangout but im just not sure on what to expect…i know hes the one. i just dont want to get my hopes up for something that might not happen. any advice? 🙁
I don’t have the full details of your relationship to be able to give specific advice. It’d be unprofessional for me to stamp out your hopes based on a sketchy understanding of your situation or get your hopes up on something that might not happen either. I think that you’ll find my advice in “How Do I Get Back With An Ex Who Cheated?” somewhat helpful. If need more specific advice, contact me with more details and I’ll gladly be of help.
Use NC to heal quickly and spend some time to reflect on your shortcomings in the relationship. Move on. Life is too short to spend it hoping that someone from your past will come back after breaking up with you. You didn’t make all the mistakes but sometimes it takes a great loss to learn more about yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. We all make mistakes. We all overlook things that become evident in hindsight. Just take a few months off for yourself and explore your own soul and have fun doing “me stuff.”
There are plenty of fish in the sea and I guarantee you’ll find a bigger, hotter fish. 🙂
Good luck!