No Contact Hurts Your Chances (Attachment Styles Perspective)

If you are here reading this because you are wondering if going no contact with an ex you want back hurts your chances, you’re are in the right place. But if you are reading this and believe that there is nothing wrong with going no contact to get back an ex or that “no contact works”, you may not like what you read, and I’m unapologetically okay with you not liking what you read.

My role as a coach is not to discourage people who want to go no contact from doing it, my role is to help those who are not sure if it is the right strategy for them to make an informed and educated decision.

What people mean when they say “no contact works” or “no contact is working”

No contact is such a well marketed strategy for getting back an ex that most of us have come to accept it as the “rule”, but when people say “no contact works” or “no contact is working” what exactly are they saying is “working”?

Not everybody gets overwhelmed by break-up emotions so not everybody needs no contact to move on, but if you feel overwhelmed by break-up emotions and can’t function in daily life, no contact is a healthy tool that can help put some distance between you and the stress-causing event or person so you can move on. They point here is that, no contact is about you and not about making your ex miss you.

No contact to make your ex miss you or as a strategy for getting back an ex is cruel and manipulative and hurt s your chances in ways you may not realize. The strategy is designed to trigger the fear of separation, rejection, abandonment or loss, and to cause enough anxiety and fear for someone to feel neglected, ignored and unwanted which then makes them to seek reassurance and validation.

The most affected attachment style by no contact is people with an anxious attachment and anxious-leaning fearful avoidants who have separation anxiety resulting from feeling neglected, ignored and unwanted by their caregivers. Their reaction to feeling neglected, ignored and unwanted is to frantically re-establish contact and even restore the relationship. The longer contact and connection is denied, the more dysregulated an anxious attachment feels. Some anxiously attached even have panic attacks.

No contact hurts your chances by triggering fear of abandonment

If you have an anxious attachment or are a fearful avoidant, no contact triggers the fear of rejection and abandonment, this is why it hurts so much. You’re relieving your attachment trauma in real time.

It’s this emotional and mental state of “anxiety and fear” that people mean when they say, “no contact works” or “no contact is working”. It’s working to recreate attachment trauma and to interfere with an ex’s daily life.

Intentionally triggering someone’s attachment trauma is cruel whatever the reason. You know they’re going to be devasted and can’t function normally and may even fall into depression but you just don’t care. You’re making them go through all that for what? Just so you can say “my ex missed me”? Where is compassion? Where is empathy? Where is the love?

So while no contact boosts your ego by making you feel wanted and even validated, to use someone’s attachment trauma to manipulate them into missing you is not just cruel, to do so without any consideration for how it’ll affect them says you’re not emotionally safe. And more and more anxious attachment exes and anxious-leaning fearful avoidants are taking note and choosing to move on rather than be with someone who uses their trauma and vulnerability against them.

No contact hurts your chances by creating distrust and resentment

The central theme of attachment theory is safety and security. A child who grows up feeling safe and secure in a caregiver’s availability, responsiveness, consistency and reliability grows up to be securely attached. A child who grows up without safety and security grows up to be insecure and struggles with relationships later in life.

In adult attachments, safety and security describes feeling confident in the availability, responsiveness, consistency and reliability of a relationship partner whether we’re with them or apart from them. No contact is the very opposite of availability, responsiveness, consistency and reliability.

Instead of creating safety and security, no contact creates insecurity, disconnection, emotional distance, distrust, resentment and resistance.

  • When you show someone that you can be unavailable and unresponsive, how do they know they can rely on you and trust you?
  • How do they know you’re still thinking about them or want them back?
  • How do they know you haven’t moved on?
  • But more importantly, if you end up back together, how’ll your ex know you’ll able to balance your need for safety and also be able to provide safety for them? You already shown inability to keep yourself safe while making sure they’re safe and whatever is left of the relationship is protected.

I want you to think about the answers to these questions and not go no contact because someone told you to. At a certain age, “someone told me to do it” says more about your emotional grown and self confidence than it says about the person who told you to do something that turned out to be a huge mistake.

As you can clearly see, no contact does not work with all attachment styles and no contact triggers behaviours that hurt or ruin your chances with your ex and not healthy behaviours for sustaining a relationship.

There are healthier and emotionally safe ways to take some time and space to manage your emotions and heal if you need to, ways that show you’re emotionally safe to come back to and don’t hurt your chances.

RELATED:

No Contact Works Differently With A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

Why No Contact Will NOT Work On A Secure Attachment Style

This Is How An Avoidant Ex Reacts When You Reach Out After No Contact

7 Reasons Why Fearful Avoidants Do ‘No Contact’

How to Get Back Your Ex With Pressure Free Contact

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205 replies on “No Contact Hurts Your Chances (Attachment Styles Perspective)”
  1. says: Celine

    I’m securely and don’t get anxious when someone goes radio silent. I guess because I have no childhood trauma to trigger an anxious or avoidant response. That said, I’ve never understood the no contact rule. I can understand needing a few days to grieve the relationship but if someone reached out after weeks long silence wanting to talk, I’d assume they want some kind of closure and would try to help them get it, but I’d not want to get back with them just because we had a period long no contact. So no, no contact doesn’t work on me, and I’m assuming it doesn’t work for many secures either.

  2. says: willow

    I refused to do the no contact after he broke things off. I protested my undying love for him! LOL Then I took time to think about what went wrong and out loud. I mean to him in texts and emails. I wanted to know everything he was feeling and what I did to make him unhappy. I then made a game plan to fix my mistakes. I did that with him knowing exactly what I was doing the entire time. He was skeptical but I could tell he was interested in seeing where it goes. I asked to be friend and still see each other. He agreed. He still even got me gifts. He had broke up with me right before Thanksgiving.

    I asked to see him once a week randomly. He agreed. I talked about a place he took me to last holiday and he said I will take you there this year if it makes you feel better. So we went. If I didn’t text him every few hours he would check in with me as if he liked me constantly texting him and when I didn’t he worried or was concerned. I fixed my finances, starting training for a marathon again like I use to do, make sure I was always happy when speaking to him and emailed him my game plans and process constantly. I told him I would never give up on “US”. It took three months but we grew a stronger better relationship in those months and it worked.

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Congratulations. You put in the work and it worked!!!!

      Good for you for recognizing that contact/connection is what works best and fast for an ex high on attachment anxiety. Many people blindly doing “no contact” don’t realize that some exes need constant connection, validation and reassurance to feel, loved, valued and wanted, and respond very well to the approach you took.

      Just so people reading this do not run and start doing what you did, I need to clarify that if an ex is high on avoidance, constant contact, validation and reassurance will backfire. It will not work with a fearful avoidant high on attachment avoidance and it will DEFINITELY not work with a dismissive avoidant. But neither will ‘no contact”.

      Finding the right balance of contact/connection and respecting an avoidant’s inherent need for emotional distance is the right approach to attracting back an avoidant. But it’s not as simple as it sounds because avoidants often have other unmet emotional needs (often unspoken and unacknowledged if they are dismissive), that if those needs aren’t met and/or they don’t feel the safety and security they need to feel, even the right balance of contact/connection and respecting an avoidant’s need for emotional distance will not work.

      Creating a safe and secure environment where an avoidant feels safe to allow you into their inner world, the world they protect with their life literally is the first step. If you can do that, you are pretty much set for success.

  3. says: Frida

    I always had my doubts about the no contact rule, it didn’t make sense to me why two people who didn’t fight, have mutual respect for each other and still love each other but have to work on some personal issues have to go no contact.

  4. says: Larry

    My ex broke up with me because she did not feel loved and appreciated. I was advised by exgirlfriend recovery expert to do no contact for 30 days. Before that we were texting and friendly, she even called me ‘babe’ and then tried to take it back. We both laughed about it. She also told me she was not saying never but I hurt her deeply and she needed to find and love herself again.

    Fast forward to a month and 4 days, I contacted her and she was cold and distant. I think I made her feel the bad memories of not being loved and appreciated with the no contact rule.
    Now she has blocked me in every way. I hate myself for doing no contact.

  5. says: Emma

    Thank you, I really needed to read this today. 5 years living together and talking everyday and him not talking to me for months really destroys the foundation of a relationship. If someone’s okay with not talking to me for months, then they don’t really need me in their life. This gives me the strength to move on. I can’t see a relationship with him after this.

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I hear you. Most people don’t realize that whatever you do, whether it is a fight, a break/separation or break-up, you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them. Once someone questions your love for them, the foundation of the relationship is shaken. This applies both ways.

      Some people with a lot of work can heal the foundation of their relationship, but most people can’t. They may even get back together but the damage is done. They keep having one problem after another and don’t understand why they can’t make the relationship work.

  6. says: Melinda

    I followed all the material with NC and all that for 12 weeks but my ex still won’t talk to me. I texted him on his birthday, “I hope you have a good time.”, never heard back from him. Waited one week and texted him asking him how he was doing and let him know I’m fine. Nothing. Waited another week and then texted him asking him if he wants me to stop texting him. FINALLY, got an email back, “Sorry, I’m busy. I don’t have time to text you.”

    I really love him but the fact that he won’t talk to me even after all this time has passed tells me it’s probably better to move on.

  7. says: Christina

    You have no idea how happy I am to find some people who dont approve of the NC system for all situations. I tried it and it just started making things worse between us, so I scraped that idea and I am now just myself around him.

    While I was trying the NC it just made him feel rejected, he felt awkward to talk to me, and that he was losing his best friend. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him because I love him and I want him in my life. We didnt break up because we hated each other, we broke up because we are in our mid twenties and dont know what we want out of life right now, he wanted time to be single to see what it felt like because he has never had the opportunity to do that. I just hate mind games and that is a tricky mind game that could have really back fired on me.

  8. says: NeoPush

    We broke up May, went n/c for 2 months then emailed her. She emailed back and we had 3 -4 email conversations then she went silent. I’ve emailed/called her several times and nothing from her since mid August. I think the best thing to do is end this right now. Send an email telling her I’m not going to waste my time anymore. Done!

    1. Let me get this right… you’re thinking of sending an email to an ex you have emailed/called several times and hasn’t responded just to tell her you’re over her? Looks like a case of who was over who first? I think the real waste of time here is you sending her the email you’re thinking of sending.

  9. says: Edsmutts

    I was very angry at her, however, now that I’m almost done sorting through my emotions I want to contact her. My fear is that she might not want to talk to me after 3 months with no contact of any kind. Should I write her a letter? Send her flowers? Wait for her to call me?

    1. It’s fairly normal for an ex to be cold, distant or even still be angry when you contact them the first time, especially if the breakup was hostile. A letter or flowers for first contact may be a little too formal/over the top for first contact. In my eBook I encourage text or email depending on the form of communication you used most when you were in the relationship. It’s best to start slow/casual and build on it than start full blast and run out of steam very quickly.

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