Question: No contact is time away from your ex to improve yourself so you are attractive to your ex again. But what you are saying is you should maintain contact and not take time to improve yourself. What if the reason my ex broke up with me is because I was needy, isn’t continuing to contact them proof that I’m still needy?
Yangki’s Answer: You only come across as ‘needy’, if you are “needy”. People who are not needy do not worry about coming across as needy because they are not needy to begin with.
Cutting off all contact is not going to suddenly turn you from a needy person to someone who’s not. What ‘no contact’ shows is that you have no healthy balance. All you know is too much contact or no contact at all.
And NO. I am not saying that you should not improve yourself. What I am saying is: it is possible to pursue both one’s self-work and the relationship’s interests at the same time. That’s the option I offer. That’s what makes my advice different from the ‘no contact’ advice.
The ‘no contact” advice assumes that when you take time away from your ex to improve yourself, your ex will be sitting put waiting for you to be done with your self-improvement. It’s a false assumption that many come to regret.
Your ex’s life goes on after a break-up. And even when you cut off all contact, they still go on with their lives. They may miss you and try to reach out to you, but if there is no response because you are doing ‘no contact’, they may assume you no longer want them in your life, or that you have moved on.
Even if your ex knows that you are doing ‘no contact’ and will reach out at some point, there is no guarantee that when you do, they’ll want you back in their life. You may even find that someone else has filled the space in your ex’s life that you voluntarily vacated.
I have seen many situations, and you can find some of them in the comments, where after ‘no contact’ someone manages to re-establish contact with their ex, but things are just not the same. Both of them have changed so much in the course of ‘no contact’ that they feel like strangers.
I could go on and on, about how ‘no contact’ damages that unspoken “contract” between two people in a relationship. The “contract” that you’ll always have each other’s back, no matter what. People who hold onto that contract even after the relationship ends, send a strong message that says they can be trusted. People who do ‘no contact’ even if it’s not their intention to, by so doing plant a seed of distrust and suspicion.
How do you trust somebody who has the capacity to act like you don’t even exist? How do you trust somebody who can completely erase you out of their lives with a click? What does it say about your worth to them?
You may feel justified cutting off all contact, after all your ex walked away from the relationship. Your ex acted like what you had didn’t matter and you are not worth a second of his or her time. That’s a difficult place to come back from. But if you know what that feels like, why would you inflict that on the person you say you still love, other than for revenge and to make them feel what you feel.
What I am saying is: You CAN do both self-improvement and be gracious to your ex at the same time. You CAN do self-work and lay a foundation for a new relationship at the same time. I wouldn’t be advocating for it if I didn’t think it was possible, or seen it work in real life.
If you are serious about self-improvement, start with why you are needy in the first place and learn how to balance being close and interdependence. If you don’t, you will always worry about being needy, and I guarantee you this: YOU WILL ACT NEEDY as soon as your ex gets close because you just don’t know how not to be needy. This is what makes an ex keep you at a distance. They know that if they get close, YOU WILL ACT NEEDY, and they have proof.