Are You Needy If You Contact Your Ex?

Question: No contact is time away from your ex to improve yourself so you are attractive to your ex again. But what you are saying is you should maintain contact and not take time to improve yourself. What if the reason my ex broke up with me is because I was needy, isn’t continuing to contact them proof that I’m still needy?

Yangki’s Answer: No. Just contacting your ex isn’t being needy. Needy is when you want from your ex more than they are comfortable giving, want to give or is capable of giving.

In terms of contact, it’s contacting your ex more than they’re comfortable with or want you to.

You only worry about coming across as needy if you do not know when and how much contact someone is comfortable with or wants, or knowing and disregarding their comfort or what they want. People who know when and how much contact someone is comfortable with do not worry about coming across as needy because they are not needy to begin with.

Cutting off all contact is not going to suddenly turn you from a needy person to someone who’s not. What ‘no contact’ shows is that you have no healthy balance. All you know is too much contact or no contact at all.

And NO. I am not saying that you should not improve yourself. What I am saying is: it is possible to pursue both one’s self-work and the relationship’s interests at the same time. That’s the option I offer. That’s what makes my advice different from the ‘no contact’ advice.

The ‘no contact” advice assumes that when you take time away from your ex to improve yourself, your ex will be sitting put waiting for you to be done with your self-improvement. It’s a false assumption that many come to regret.

Your ex’s life goes on after a break-up. And even when you cut off all contact, they still go on with their lives. They may miss you and try to reach out to you, but if there is no response because you are doing ‘no contact’, they may assume you no longer want them in your life, or that you have moved on.

Even if your ex knows that you are doing ‘no contact’ and will reach out at some point, there is no guarantee that when you do, they’ll want you back in their life. You may even find that someone else has filled the space in your ex’s life that you voluntarily vacated.

I have seen many situations, and you can find some of them in the comments, where after ‘no contact’ someone manages to re-establish contact with their ex, but things are just not the same. Both of them have changed so much in the course of ‘no contact’ that they feel like strangers.

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