Does Contact With Your Ex Prevent Moving On? – Pt. 3

Until you have been THERE — stripped of knowing, of having and of labels (friend, boy/girlfriend, partner, fiance/fiancée, husband/wife etc), you will always have a hard time letting go of what you think you have. You will always have a hard time letting go what you think you know (beliefs, opinions, views, thoughts, emotions, etc). You will always have a hard time letting go the people in your life to whom you have attached your identity and your happiness.

When you can stand THERE — not knowing, not having and not “anybody” — all emotions attached to being dumped or to the end of a relationship you didn’t want to end, are released because there is NOTHING to hold on THERE.

You simply can’t hold onto nothing. You can’t hold on to the past because you have nothing that is holding you emotionally attached to it. You can’t hold on to the future because you know/expect nothing. And you can’t feel the pain from your bruised or wounded ego because you are not “anybody” (friend, boy/girlfriend, partner, fiance/fiancée, husband/wife etc).

You are unbound. You are unlimited. You are open to all experiences, open to all possibilities, open to all opportunities, open to love free of the constraints of the ego.

You have not only moved on from your ex– you have also moved on from your wounded ego. You are healed.

When you are healed, you’ve let go. You have let go what used to be for what can be.

Whether or not to stay in contact with your ex, or spend time with him/her is irrelevant because you are not holding on to the past or worried about the future. You are operating from a place of no limitations and no constraints (put there to protect the ego). You are open to what can be — and what can be is limitless.

Instead of putting all your effort into trying to erase any traces of your ex in your life, while continuing to write commentaries, rant, name-call, talk, blog and write books about the person you say you want out of your life, try putting that same effort into letting go instead.

Allow yourself to stand still (THERE) in limbo. Don’t run away from the experience. Don’t try to change it to what you’d like it to be. Don’t try to rush it so you can “move on”. Just let it be for a while. See what comes up. Deal with it head-on, and let it go.

I guarantee you, you will have your breakthrough. It will most likely not be in the way you think, the way you imagine or the way you want — which are all the ego’s attempts to control the experience and protect itself.

You may even really surprise yourself with just how much love you really have — for yourself, for your ex and for so many others.

Abundance mentality is what I desire for you in all your relationships — I hope it’s what you desire for yourself too.

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13 Comments

  • This is lovely. I think I experienced this a little the last time I saw my ex (last week). I was desperate to get her back, but decided instead to try to let go of that, and just go say goodbye (before I left her country). We spent a truly lovely short evening together, laughing and talking and it felt as if nothing had happened before between us; no break up, no relationship even. There was only that moment in the present and it was joyful.

    Thanks for all your great articles!

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  • Yangki that was a deep article touching so many truths when it comes to acting from a wounded ego,not wanting to accept a break up and a situation. The only way is turning inwards,standing in peace with your self and loving yourself.
    I wanted to ask also if the other person becomes emotionally distant and doesnt show as much interest but insists on the reason being certain life problems,how do you know if you should not give up on them and the relationship…how can you know if they are just trying not to hurt your feelings..

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  • Is it so is it weird that I still love my ex? We have no contact for 2 years and I don’t ever want to get back with him for sure, but a part of me still loves him. I think I miss who I was when I was with him more than the relationship itself. Does that even make sense?

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    • Not weird at all. If you truly love someone, you never “get over” him/her. You can move on but you can’t erase the fact that for a point in time, they reflected back to you a apart of yourself. They held a mirror for you so you could see yourself more clearly.

      How we react when the relationship ends depends on whether we appreciate/liked what they reflected back to us, or whether were uncomfortable with what was reflected back to us.

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    • I can’t speak for all women, but I’d think that if you have feelings for someone and they don’t give up on you or the relationship, that’s attractive whether you are man or woman.
      But if you are not interested or want someone to go away… like in “get out of my life”, that person persisting and not giving up is annoying — and sometimes downright scary.

      In short, it depends on whether she wants you to persist or wants you gone. Sometimes the signals are confusing, but if she’s constantly angry at you, is rude or acts mean unprovoked… she doesn’t want you persisting. The anger, rudeness and meanness is her expressing her annoyance at your persistence — or her fear of what you might do.

      If she cares about you as a person but is not interested romantically, she may act polite but keep her distance or stay emotionally closed. Both women and men do this when they think you are a “good person” and don’t want to hurt your feelings. Some (women mostly) sometimes act polite out of pity.

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  • This article touched me, it feels very close to where I am. Struggling immensely with the uncertainty and smarting from the loss of every label (boyfriend, friend, partner, fiance) that I am so used to having as an identity. But I do struggle with exactly what you mean by (I am paraphrasing, I hope correctly), “allow yourself to stand THERE in the limbo”. What does that mean? Be still within the uncertainty? Stand there, between possibilities, and not try to move towards anything? Is that what you mean?

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    • It helps to read all the sections of the article because I explain “stand THERE in the limbo” in Pt 2 of the article.

      “To experience ego-free love, you must learn to sometimes stand there in limbo — knowing nothing, having nothing and being nothing. What better limbo is there than one where what was there isn’t there anymore and what is there isn’t really there?”

      Also in the beginning of Pt. 3 it reads…

      “When you can stand THERE — not knowing, not having and not “anybody” — all emotions attached to being dumped or to the end of a relationship you didn’t want to end, are released because there is NOTHING to hold on THERE.

      You simply can’t hold onto nothing. You can’t hold on to the past because you have nothing that is holding you emotionally attached to it. You can’t hold on to the future because you know/expect nothing. And you can’t feel the pain from your bruised or wounded ego because you are not “anybody” (friend, boy/girlfriend, partner, fiance/fiancée, husband/wife etc).

      You are unbound. You are unlimited. You are open to all experiences, open to all possibilities, open to all opportunities, open to love free of the constraints of the ego.”

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  • Yangki, opening up to greater love has been a journey and process for me. I’ve had my share of breakups and almost all of them, I immediately cut myself from my exes. At some point I realized I couldn’t do that anymore, I needed a better path. I still love my ex who I broke up with last summer and we keep in contact but as friends now. I’m glad that I found the courage to break the pattern of disconnection.

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    • It is indeed a journey and a process. Breaking a pattern especially one of disconnection is not easy. You should be proud of yourself… I’m proud of you and for you…(:

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  • You have written very wise advice. Instead of obsessing about an ex and the breakup, one should focus on themselves. Not the easiet thing to do but you have to try if you want to move on.

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