A Break-Up Vs. A Bad Start

break-up-vs-bad-startYou met an amazing guy/woman and hit it off right away. He/she is so into you, and you are so into him/her.

The first weeks or months are like something out of a romance movie. He/she is attentive, affectionate, caring, supportive and wants to spend so much with you. Even when he/she is busy, he/she makes the effort to text or call. Things seem to be going really well. You’ve never been happier.

But then things start to change. The texts become less frequent and less spontaneous. It takes him/her more and more time to respond. Some days he/she does not respond at all. If you ask him/her if everything is okay, he/she says he/she has just been busy. But if you don’t make the effort to make contact, you don’t talk for days.

He/she seems to have just changed in a very short period of time. The same person who was so attentive, affectionate and caring, has gone from wanting to see you everyday to avoiding being with you. He/she is acting cold and distant, and not as open with you anymore. The sex is not only less frequent, it’s also different.

All the signs are there that he/she’s losing interest, but you pray and hope that things will go back to how they were in the beginning real soon. Then one day, he or she tells you that they want out (or just disappears). You’re in shock.

How could this be? Just a couple of weeks ago he/she was all over you and couldn’t get enough of you, and now it’s over?

It doesn’t make sense. You felt it, and he/she felt it. It was real. It was strong. It was intense. It was amazing.

And now it’s over? Just like that?

May be not. Things could have just gotten off to a bad start.

The approach you use to attract back someone who lost interest after just a few dates, or when things were just beginning to get serious is different from one you use to attract back someone you were in a “relationship” with.

With someone you were with for a year or more, you know exactly how they feel about you. But with someone you dated very briefly, things are not as clear.

It could just be that the honeymoon phase wore off, and he/she can’t tell the difference between the natural end of the honeymoon phase and the loss of love.

He/she feels that because things are not as exciting, fun and high on lust anymore, it means that you are not compatible, or that the relationship isn’t working.

This can complicate the “getting back” process somewhat because it’s not clear if it’s a break-up or just a change in the relationship. And if feelings were not explicitly communicated, you might find that you are approaching things from the “get your ex back” perspective, and getting a lot of unnecessary resistance.

It’s also possible that you thought you were in “a relationship”, but the other person thinks that you were “just hanging out”, casually dating, or just “good” friends.

You think you are getting back “your ex”, but your “ex” doesn’t understand why you are saying the things you are saying, or doing what you are doing.

Any move you try to “get him/her back”, only makes him/her pull away even further.

If you feel that your relationship ended too quickly, and you weren’t given a fair chance because your ex prematurely decided that you were not compatible, or that the relationship wasn’t working after only a few weeks or months of dating, I’m happy to work with you one-on-one to assess your chances, and guide you through the delicate nuances of Break-Up vs. A Bad Start.

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  • Yangki, I really love your advice and how are you are trying to provide tools for men and women to get along and be happy together. I spend quite a bit of time reading articles and comments by both side, and wonder if there is ever any possibility for this happening. It seems to me that too many men hate women and too many women hate men.

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    • I’m sure you are not talking about articles and comments on this blog, because we don’t welcome haters on either side here….(:

      Like you, I like to read what others are saying on other sites and blogs, and I too have wondered about it sometimes. Fortunately for me, because I work with real people in the real world, I have real life evidence to show that men and women do get along and can be happy together. It’s not only possible, it is happening.

      I have come to the conclusion that most men and women who come on the internet to post articles and comments about how the other gender is this or that are 1) lonely people who wish they were in a loving relationship or 2) frustrated because they can’t have what they deep inside long for.

      Instead of looking inside and facing up to their own shortcomings, it’s easier to demonize a whole gender.

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  • Yangki, another the reason advice sometimes does not work is because one or both sides give up on the relationship. We were together 3 years but failed at communication. We are both very sensitive people and always worried about hurting the other’s feelings. We only found out that we both had things about the other that kept bothering us, but for him it was too late to try to save the relationship. I tried very hard to but realized that I had hurt him too much. We still talk once in a while but agree that it’s best to remain good friends.

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    • I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Take the lessons from this experience and learn from it. You also still have each other as friends, that’s a great thing… and who know what the future may bring. Please, please, I’m not trying to raise false hope here. I’m just stating that you just never know. Love has it’s reasons that even reason itself does not know.

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  • I can relate to Sarah. Not making my relationship work because I was too selfish is the biggest mistake I have ever made. Sometimes I think it’s for the best, what happened happened for a reason and probably for the best. But I have not stopped loving her.

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  • Dear Yangki, I now know what made him not want to be in a relationship with me. Only it is going to be a long journey of hard work to better myself in areas that I lacked in, dare I say, years. I don’t intend to try to attract him back until then. Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeless about the situation because of this.

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  • Yangki, I think that if the relationship meant a lot to both people, its easier to stay in contact and try to talk things through. In my case, we dated for only 5 months and it was very apparent to both of us that it wasn’t going to work out in the long run. We told each other we’d stay in contact but that fizzled out on is own after only a couple of weeks. There really wasn’t much to hold us together.

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    • You are right. How much the relationship meant to both people makes a difference.

      But sometimes the relationship can even mean a lot to both people, but just like all things in life, it runs it’s natural course and dies naturally. Just because things fizzle out doesn’t mean that the relationship didn’t mean a lot to both people.

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  • Ex and I dated for 5 months then broke up because we were both unhappy and it didn’t make sense to continue the relationship. We both accepted it was over and started dating other people. I ended up with a guy who turned up to be verbally abusive and the relationship ended after 8 months. My ex was already in a committed relationship and engaged. We started secretly communicating and realized we still had feelings for each other and made a mistake giving us up too early in the relationship. We’ve been together for 4 years now.

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    • Thanks for sharing your story. I hope what others can learn from it is that just because a relationship doesn’t work out doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with the other person (or you for that matter). Sometimes things just don’t work out.

      If you had, like most people, been focused on he’s this or that and that’s why the relationship didn’t work out, you’d probably still blaming the break-up on each other’s “issues”.

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  • Everything you said in your post is the same situation Iam going through. We went out for 4 months and everything was really great. We talked about the future, where we would live and how many children we wanted etc. That’s why the breakup came as a complete shock to me. He says I’m an amazing woman but he feels that we need to take a break for a few weeks. I asked him if we would still contact each other and he said we will and we can also still go out but he’s not ready to be in a relationship right how.

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    • 4 months (at least for most people) is too soon to be talking about where to live and how many children to have. This is usually still the honeymoon period, and I’m almost sure you hadn’t even had you first major fight yet.

      The fact that he does not want things to change very much seems to suggest that what he’s not ready for is not “a relationship” per se, but a “serious” relationship.

      Stay in contact and hangout for a while and see how things play out.

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