Question: Hi Yangki, I’m a first timer on this blog and I have a really serious question: What happened to the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
Yangki’s Response: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” still applies between two people who are fond of each other. The key word here is “fond”.
Unfortunately not many people understand what this means when it comes to break-ups and exes.
- Having an affection or liking for;
- Affectionate; loving; tender; indulgent; doting
prizing highly; desirous
Many (if not most) break-ups happen because one person (or both people) is no longer FOND of the other. Your ex may still love you, but not be fond of you at the time of the break-up, or hasn’t been fond of you for a very long time — and vice versa.
Here is where most people get confused.
Fonder means MORE fond of, or increase in affection, liking, tenderness, indulgence, doting, desire etc.
This means that there has to be “fond of” for there to be “fonder”. No “fond of”, no “fonder”.
Someone who wasn’t fond of you when you were together, isn’t going to be fonder of you in your absence.
He/she may miss you and miss the good times, but “miss” (definition: aware of the absence and wish someone/something was there) and “fonder” are not the same thing.
People miss other people, places or things all the time, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they like or even want that person back, or want to return to a certain place. Say you had a roommate who snores, is untidy or too noisy, but who makes you laugh or is a great cook. When he/she moves out, of course you are going to miss him/her, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you want him/her to move back in.
To me it’s simple common sense. I could even stretch it a little and say, it’s simple math.
- Fond of + Absence = Fonder
Positive + Negative = Positive (assuming “fond” is greater than “absence”)
- Not Fond of + Absence = Out of sight, out of mind
Negative + Negative = Negative (not good for someone who wants his/her ex back)
Unless of course one is in denial then, Not Fond + Absence = Head in the sand.
Why do so many people get “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” so wrong when it comes to break-ups and exes?
Because they put way too much emphasis on “absence”, and way too little importance on “fonder”. The irony is that, it’s “fond of” that makes an ex want to come back, not absence.
And we wonder why so many of us never get our ex back!
Here is more math for you…
- Not Fond of + Meaningless Contact = Waste Of Time
Negative + Negative = Negative
- Not Fond of + Meaningful and Effective Communication = Work In Progress
Negative + Positive = Positive (assuming communication is creating more affection, liking, tenderness, desire etc)
I told you it was simple common sense… even I, can do the math… :p