Everyone has their reason (or reasons) for doing ‘no contact’ or “giving their ex space”, but if you look deeper into many of the reasons people give for doing ‘no contact’ or “giving their ex space”, you will find one common denominator, FEAR.
- Fear of not being able to control one’s emotions
- Fear of over-contacting an ex
- Fear of being seen as needy
- Fear of an ex not responding
- Fear of making more mistakes/making things worse
- Fear of not being able to heal
- Fear of ruining one’s chances… etc.
Any time you approach an undesired or unpleasant experience or situation motivated by fear, fear has already won, before you even start.
Your reasons, explanations or justifications for moving away instead of towards your ex don’t matter because once you choose fear, fear owns you. Just like that.
You will be too scared to take any steps towards your ex because all you see is you messing up, something going horribly wrong, you pushing your ex further away, you becoming ‘just a friend’, you not doing enough, you doing too much — all the things you fear.
The worst part of it all, when you are fear or avoidance motivated, you can’t be creative, flexible or present. You spend more time worrying about pushing your ex away than thinking of ways to draw them closer, and most of all, you keep trying to re-create the old relationship because fear stops your brain from coming up with ways to start a new one.
You can’t start over when you are still trying to get the old relationship back. You just can’t.
If you are worried about not being able to control your emotions, over-contacting your ex, being seen as needy, making more mistakes and ruining one’s chances, or simply not being able to heal, keep the lines of communication open, but cut down on frequency of contact or how much time you spend together.
The amount of contact and time you spend together should reflect the fact that you are broken up, and no longer a couple. Then gradually increase contact and the amount of time you spend together as things pick up.
This way you remain emotionally connected and in each other’s lives, and at the same time give both of you enough space to start over.
But don’t just stop at “cut down on frequency of contact “. This will not attract back your ex.
People don’t fall in love because of how often you contact them. They fall in love because of how you make them feel. Let me repeat that. We fall in love with someone because of how they make us feel.
It does not matter if you contact someone once a month, once a week or once a day, if the contact doesn’t make them feel certain emotions, it’s just contact.