Do Fearful Avoidants Chase You If They Think They’re Losing You Forever?

If you feel like if you show your fearful avoidant that you have feelings for them or chase them, they pull back, and act like they stopped loving you; and if you show you them that you have accepted that the relationship is over or that you have moved on, they start reaching out and even pursue you aggressively, you are not imagining it.

When a relationship ends, fearful-avoidants usually don’t know what to do or how to act. They don’t want to remain close to their ex because it hurts but they also don’t want to distance themselves because that hurts too.
Many of them adopt strategies such as “limited contact”, just enough contact to stay close but remain distant at the same time.

And like all avoiding behaviours or “away moves” these coping strategies may feel good in the moment and may even help with short-term emotional self-regulation, but ultimately don’t resolve a fearful avoidant’s ‘come here, go away” internal conflict.

Most are not aware that they are constantly cutting themselves off from someone they love as a way to manage the discomfort they have with closeness and the emotions that go along with it. All they know is they get overwhelmed very often by how vulnerable they have allowed themselves to be and want distance from you, then they miss loving you and want to feel loved by you.

As discussed in my video of 7 Warning signs that should make you worried about your chances of getting back together, a fearful avoidant pulling you close then pushing you away is normal, even expected, but when they start feeling like they cannot measure up to what you want, it’s not a good sign for your chances of getting back together.

If you haven’t watched the video with the 7 warning signs, please watch it.

Most fearful avoidants unlike dismissive avoidants don’t like the fact that they are unable to sustain a relationship. Many have a history of failed relationships but can’t seem to figure out what to do to change their luck.
A fearful avoidant may even want to get back together as much as you do but they keep asking themselves, “why would it work this time?”

When the guilt and shame of not being able to be consistent and love you the way you deserve outweighs the happiness they feel being with you and the love they feel for you, they convince themselves that not getting back together is what’s best for both of you.

Some fearful avoidants even convince themselves that something is wrong with you or with the relationship to justify why they cannot be close to you and others even make up stories to explain why not getting back together is the right thing to do. And depending on their narrative (the story they tell themselves), they may decide against their best interest not to come back.

But why do they seem suddenly interested when they think they’re losing you?

Fearful avoidants especially those leaning anxious are activated when they think they might be losing you to “someone better”. Because they already feel that they don’t measure up to what others want, losing you to someone better creates panic and anxiety, and often triggers feelings and emotions of other losses from the past.
They start reaching out and sometimes even aggressively chase you to prove to themselves that they’re just as good or better than the person they think they are losing you to.

In other words, a fearful avoidant becoming suddenly interested when they think they’re losing you, is not about you. It’s not even about losing you. It’s about a fearful avoidant’s insecurities and feeling that there must be something wrong with them that invites rejection and betrayal.

The bad news is that as long as a fearful avoidant has these negative views about themselves, they will never truly feel as if you care about them, and this behaviour will likely continue.

How do you convince a fearful avoidant that you love and care about them, and they don’t have to feel like they could lose you to start showing you how much they love and care about you.

1) Do not use their fear of losing you against them

Do not try to get into a new relationship or lie about seeing other people just to make a fearful avoidant feel like they lost you. Yes, they may come running back if they think they lost you to someone else, but they will also have a hard time trusting you and may never trust you at all.

If your fearful avoidant leans anxious, they may obsess over what they perceive as a threat and see it as problematic to the relationship’s future.
If they are leaning avoidant, it will confirm to them that you can’t really trust someone, soon or later, they will disappoint you.

2) Clearly communicate what you want and expect

For example communicate in advance that if you decide that you do not want to work on trying to get back together anymore that you will not just disappear or let them find out some other way that you have moved on and dating someone else. You will let them know about your decision because they mean a lot to you, and you respect them that much. And if they decide to date other people, you hope that they will respect you enough to inform you instead of you finding it out on your own.

Naturally if you have attachment anxiety, communicating what you want and expect seems counter intuitive, and I can hear so many “will that not push them further away?”

No, it will not. Clear and strong boundaries when communicated in a safe, empathetic and caring way protect you, protect the other person and protect the relationship. You should try it more often.

3. Be Consistent

Fearful avoidants are the most inconsistent of all the attachment styles, but they are also the ones that need consistency the most.

Keeping in mind that fearful avoidants want to love and be loved just as much as you do, maybe even more but are afraid to get close because they think they’ll get hurt by it is the first step to learning how to be consistent with a fearful avoidant.

RELATED: Can An Avoidant Ex Miss You And Want You Back?

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