Do Exes Really Ever Come Back?

Do exes really ever come back?

Yes, exes do come back and yes, a relationship can work after a break-up.

What most people do not realize or know is that most exes when they break-up with you think it’s over, they will not come back. They are not thinking… “I am breaking up with you, but we’ll get back together”.

They are thinking…

  • I am not happy/I am miserable and I don’t like it
  • I don’t feel this relationship is working for me
  • I can’t do what I want to do with you around, I need my space
  • We’re hurting each other and I need to get away from you
  • I don’t like you the way I used to
  • I don’t see a future with you, etc

They are not thinking of getting back together at this point because they are thinking of themselves, how they feel and what they want– and rightly so.

The ex leaving because of how he/she FEELS (e.g. is not happy, feels you’re growing apart, does not feel in love anymore, feels smothered, pressured for commitment etc) does not think he/she can feel differently.

The ex leaving because the relationship is NOT WORKING for him/her (e.g. too many arguments/fights, communication problems, you want different things, etc) does not think things can get better.

Even exes that say “may be we’ll get back together in the future” or “we’ll see what happens in two months” or “if it’s meant to be it’ll be” etc., are not promising that you’ll get back together. Rather, they are leaving the door open for all possibilities — including the possibility that you’ll go your separate ways,

But since feelings can and do change, and too many arguments/fights and communication problems can be worked on, there is always a chance that an ex can come back — and many of them do.

When working with my clients, I am always looking for what it is that is within our control that we can work together change to either inspire an ex to feel differently or see that the relationship can work again, and work better.

Unlike most approaches that advice no-contact, I prefer working with my clients to create a positive environment in which love can develop and grow. Years of experience have taught me that the only way you can convince your ex that the relationship can work again is if you can inspire him/her to feel differently about you, and about being in a relationship with you again. How much contact, when to make contact and all that other stuff that too many people waste time on mean absolutely NOTHING if your ex thinks you are still the same person they fell out of love with, or if they can’t see how the relationship can work better.

My point is: Don’t be discouraged from trying to get back your ex simply because right now your ex is saying it’s over and he/she is not changing his/her mind.

As long as the lines of communication are open, there is always a possibility that feelings can be changed and a new and better relationship can develop. Your job is to create the environment for that to happen.

It takes work and it takes time, but it’s possible.

When you feel discouraged and want to give up, these 20 Success Stories of readers like you who got back their ex might help!

More from Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

Know How Your Ex Feels Without Asking

One of the things that frustrates some of my clients is insist on...
Read More

36 Comments

  • He said I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore, you deserve someone that will put in the effort, you’re a great person, I still want you in my life. I did 1 week no contact, made plans to meet up & say my piece. I cancelled & wrote him an email- I felt seeing him would cause me more pain- no response. I feel I pushed him away in wanting to see him more & move in. Is it possible he’ll come back or is he scare to commit & needs space? Do exes come back in this case?

    View Comment
  • The breakup happened because we were both focused on our careers and it was getting harder to make time for each other. It was an amicable breakup and tough on both of us as we didn’t want it to end but recognized that no matter what we wanted the relationship wasn’t working for either of us. We stayed in touch for a year in which I spent a lot of time on this site practically every night. I realized that I hadn’t been willing to compromise and make sacrifices and told him. He said he was guilty too and we decided to give us another chance. In a way I am thankful for the breakup because I now appreciate him better than I ever did, and I have you Yangki to thank for teaching me that I needed to give love a chance. Thank you.

    View Comment
  • OMG! I know I had asked for advice! Mea culpa! But if anybody anyway reads these comments I want to tell you that 1 hour after I posted my last comment (on how freakingly frightened I was about a possibly upcoming phonecall with him) my ex wanted to call me!!!

    So I swallowed again as fast as possible some of your book‘s lessons and – well – it was a kind, warm and friendly talk for about 2 hours! Amazing, I admire every little bit how you offer solutions that work. And I learned so much about my selfish past and how love first and foremost addresses the other person. Not oneself! I listened REALLY, understood and acknowledged his reservations and doubts and kept the line to him. He is still frightened that things could turn out the same nasty way as they did already and wants to keep friends – and wants to call again tomorrow !!! Many, many thanks for your work! LoL

    View Comment
  • Dear Yangki, just some days after having read your book I am in contact with my ex again. Your approach is amazing! He writes very long messages (he obviously has still a lot to say to me) full of accusations but also leaves tiny bits of hope for the future. Suddenly I find myself scared to death when it might come to our first phonecall. We broke up – both in stressful personal situations – neglecting one another‘s needs. I realized that, but he is still fully convinced that his actions were completely right and honourable. I am afraid he would start again by forcing me to prove that I am serious with him. Meaning he expects sacrifices that I – as a Single Mom cannot make. And that would probably mean the end again. Good advice is very welcome!
    Kind regards

    View Comment
  • This site has really helped me. I am at a point where I believe my ex will come back. He is slowly opening up and initiating more contact. He also invited me to watch super bowl like we did before. He was holding my hand and rubbing it. He walked me to my car and it seemed like he wanted to kiss me but held himself back. I want to ask him out, do you think it’s a good idea?

    View Comment
    • Thanks, I do the best I can.

      Yes, it’s a good idea… 🙂 There is enough momentum to propel you forward. I too believe that you will get back together, it’s only a matter of time (if you don’t screw it up).

      View Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *