Do Dismissive Avoidants Come Back After The Break Up?

Dismissive avoidants are the least likely attachment style to come back after a break-up. Usually when they’re done they’re done, but every now and then, dismissive avoidants come back if they had developed an attachment to an ex and still feel attached to them.

How a dismissive avoidant ex feels after a breakup

After a break-up, dismissive avoidants feel a range of emotions including sadness, regret, relief, guilt, anger etc., but they’re so good at suppressing their attachment-related emotions, compartmentalizing and focusing on something else (work, school, hobbies, friends, partying etc.) that on a behavioural level, they show fewer difficulties with break-ups. A dismissive avoidant can go from talking to you everyday, hanging out 2- 3 times a week and sharing your lives together to nothing and carry on with life like the breakup never happened. They “completely disappear” like you never existed or maintain contact but be more emotionally distant than before the breakup.

Dismissive avoidants can carry on like everything is fine because they don’t let a break-up turn their emotions and world upside down, which is easy to do because dismissive avoidants often have short-term relationships, take long to fall in love, don’t attach to their partners and prefer to slowly fade away or ghost an ex rather than go through an actual break-up (and all the associated emotions and drama).

And when you break-up with a dismissive avoidant, they develop what I call “Who needs you?” attitude which makes it look like a dismissive avoidant moved on fast after the breakup. In the “who needs you” mental space, some dismissive avoidant quickly move on to someone new or go back to an old ex, but most dismissive avoidant exes stay away from relationships altogether, especially if the relationship ended badly and with lots of drama. It reminds them of why they don’t want to be in relationships and triggers in a dismissive avoidant the fear of getting close to someone.

But while a break-up can trigger in a dismissive avoidant the fear of getting close to someone and make them wary of getting into a relationship again, it does not make most dismissive avoidants want to cut off contact with an ex. They can afford to maintain contact with an ex and even remain friends because they have no “painful feelings” to deal with. If there are any, they’re suppressed and compartmentalized away. As long as there’s no break-up drama, you’re okay with keeping the lines of communication open, and don’t keep bringing up the relationship or break-up, a dismissive avoidant ex will respond to texts and even initiate some texts but they’ll be more emotionally distant and slower responding.

Will a dismissive avoidant contact you after the break-up?

Dismissive avoidants sometimes contact an ex after the break-up but it’s rare for them to do so.

1. Unlike anxiously attached and fearful avoidants who impulsively reach out to an ex out of anxiety, dismissive avoidants have so much emotional control that even when they know that they’ve pushed you so far away that you will not reach out first, they will take their time reaching out.

2. Of all the attachment styles, dismissive avoidants do very well, in fact do much better all on their own and will generally not reach out to someone because they’re lonely or feel alone. Wanting connection is not something they crave or seek out.

3.To a dismissive avoidant contacting you after the breakup is showing vulnerability. Showing you that they need you makes them vulnerable to you later using their need for attachment to manipulate and control them.

So if your dismissive avoidant ex contacts you after the breakup, it’s likely that they:

  • Had developed a strong emotional attachment to you and misses what they had with you.
  • Feel some type of guilt for ending the relationship, especially if the relationship was relatively good (not many arguments or fights) and they see you as someone they still in their life even though they might not want a relationship with you.
  • Heard something bad happened to you and they think they should show support or concern because it’s the right thing to do.
  • Are having a hard time meeting someone as good as you and either regret breaking up with you or want to see if they can do a relationships this time around.
  • Want sex with no strings attached because dismissive avoidants can easily separate love from sex and often call an ex they have no romantic feelings towards just for sex.
  • Want to be friends because they think enough time has passed for you to still want to pressure them to get back together.

If a dismissive avoidant thinks that you are doing no contact just to see if they’ll reach out first, they won’t reach out just to prove to you that they can’t be manipulated or controlled. They see any attempts to influence their behaviour as trying to control them and will not reach out to show you that they they’re so independent that they can’t be manipulated or controlled.

Some dismissive avoidant who think you might be using no contact to try to manipulate them go on social media just to taunt you or send you messages to let you know they know what you’re trying to do. Even a dismissive avoidant who misses you will postpone reaching out for months if they think you might be using no contact to try to manipulate them into coming back.

Do dismissive avoidant dumpers come back?

Dismissive avoidants are more likely to come back if they initiated the break-up than if you broke up with them. They may even regret the break-up and reach out a few days later or feel regret for the break-up months later and reach out to see if you want to get back together.

How you know a dismissive avoidant regrets the break-up and wants another chance is they’re very apologetic and tell you that it’s them and not you. This is significant because dismissive avoidants think of themselves positively but have low opinion of others especially the people they’re in a relationship with. So them saying the problem is with them and not you means they know they royally screwed up.

But even when they know they messed up and want you back, most dismissive avoidants will not rush to getting back together. They’ll usually want to meet right away or within a few days because they know themselves enough to know that if they don’t make that move to meet, they’ll convince themselves that it’s better to just forget the whole thing. Despite how they feel, it’s not worth putting anymore effort into making the relationship work.

They’ll also want to meet sooner than later because they want to see how you are going to be with them. If you keep talking about the past, are still angry about the break-up, ask them too many questions to explain themselves or complain about their behaviours, a dismissive avoidant pull back on their regret and convince themselves you and not them were the problem all along.

Do dismissive avoidants come back if you broke up with them?

Most dismissive avoidants don’t come back if you initiated the break-up because they’re too proud to come back to someone who broke up with them or because they don’t want to ever feel sad or hurt again. They may even feel that they deserve better because even if they come back you won’t ever really understand them or appreciate them.

Some dismissive avoidant dumpees even come back because of a bruised ego. If they made an effort to try to be a good partner, they may feel offended that you didn’t appreciate the effort they put into the relationship. Their coming back is not to make the relationship work but to make you realize that you should have appreciated them while you had them

But if a dismissive avoidant dumpee is self-aware or has some level of self-awareness, or is doing self-work and/or seeing a therapist, they’ll come back hoping that they can do better and be less dismissive avoidant.

What makes a dismissive avoidant ex want to come back?

The main reason dismissive avoidants come back to exes is because they are still attached to you and still have strong feelings for you.

The second reason dismissive avoidants come back is the relationship was relatively good, they felt safe and it was different from all past relationships.

The third reason dismissive avoidants come back is the break-up was a positive experience and didn’t trigger in them why they don’ want relationships in the first place.

The fourth reason reason dismissive avoidants come back, and probably the one reason that has the most impact on a dismissive avoidant staying after they come back and the relationship working is they’re in therapy or did deep self-work and take responsibility for their behaviours and actions. This is important because dismissives avoidants very rarely process break-ups, let alone do relationship autopsies. They simply suppress everything and want to move forward like nothing every happened, an when you try to talk about the relationship or break-up, they stop responding and disappear, then reappear again (and still don’t want to talk about the past).

You’ll notice a change in your dismissive avoidant’s behaviours and even language when they’re done their own inner work and healing. They’ll be more reflective, be more emotionally vulnerable, open to talking about the past and the work they’re doing on themselves, talk about relationships in more positive light, and they’ll even start noticing things about you that have been there all along but being dismissive avoidant they never noticed before. This is a dismissive avoidant trying to better and be less dismissive avoidant.

COMMENTS: I encourage comments from dismissive avoidants on what makes you miss an ex and what makes you comes back. Let’s all learn from each other.

RELATED:

What Are A Dismissive Avoidant Break Up Stages?

Do Dismissive Avoidants Miss You After The Breakup?

Why A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Reaching Out Is A Big Deal

No Contact Works Differently With A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

Do Dismissive Avoidants Ever Feel “Longing” For An Ex?

How Avoidants Leave Open The Option To Reconnect With Exes

How Does Being Friends Help Get an Avoidant Ex Back?

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69 replies on “Do Dismissive Avoidants Come Back After The Break Up?”
  1. says: Peaches

    I was searching for every little bit of hope that my dismissive avoidant ex will come back, but it looks like this is going to be a long-drawn-out process. He responds immediately so I think that’s a good sign.

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      It’s a good sign when a dismissive avoidant responds and even a better sign when they respond immediately. It means that there is emotional investment in keeping the lines of communication open.

  2. says: Monna

    I got my reality check after 8 weeks of no contact with a dismissive avoidant. I reached out to try to reconnect, but she replied saying she didn’t want me reaching out and blocked me. Tbh, the rejection hurts just as much as the breakup itself.

  3. says: Greg32

    Yangki, in your article on dismissive avoidant breakup stages you said that dismissive avoidant feel relieved that the relationship ended but can also be feel sad at the same. If the feeling when it was over was relief, is that a feeling that can be overcome or is that just relief from the pressures we were both experiencing at the time?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Both. It can be relief that the relationship is over, and it can also be relief from the pressures a dismissive avoidant was experiencing at the time.

      Almost every ex who ends a relationship where they felt there was too much pressure, felt overwhelmed by a partner’s emotions and needs, or where there was constant problem shooting the relationship feels relief when they finally end it.

      Can the feeling be overcome? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. If the feeling of relief is about having the person gone from their life because of something about them that can’t be changed, this often can’t be overcome because it’s more about the person – something about them that a dismissive avoidant feels can’t be changed. If the feeling of relief is about distance from the pressure or from the constant problem-shooting the relationship, this can be overcome because many relationship problems can be worked out.

  4. says: Titan

    I’m new to attachment styles and can’t tell if my ex is a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant. Are there behaviors I should look out for to help tell the difference?

  5. says: Msfitt

    I find your advice more to what I’m working towards becoming. It sometimes feels a bit like learning a new language because my natural tendency is to go in like a wrecking ball. The calmer, warm, appreciative of where we are and deliberate in my efforts to create a sense of safety seems to help my DA ex feel safe and want to reach out more.

  6. says: Lena

    The lightbulb on moment for me reading this is realizing that I’ve never missed any of my exes because I dissociate from all feelings and don’t realize I miss them. I thought I didn’t miss them because I didn’t love them enough and a few of my exes said I didn’t do enough to work on the relationship. Now we’ll never know because I have absolutely no intention of reaching out. If they reach out, we’ll see how that goes. But thank you for helping me understand myself a little more.

  7. says: Curious J

    Yangki, you said as a dismissive avoidant once you lost feelings for an ex, the feelings didn’t come back. What made you lose feelings?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I don’t speak for all dismissive avoidants, but for me it was someone constantly violating my boundaries for space and time, trying to “change” me by telling me who and what I should do, and too many arguments, mind games and drama. I usually began losing feelings while still in the relationship and kept losing feelings after the break-up especially if I was still angry about what happened during the relationship. At some point I made myself not feel anything, not even anger – complete detachment.

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