Dismissive avoidants are the least likely attachment style to come back after a break-up. Usually when they’re done they’re done, but every now and then, dismissive avoidants come back if they had developed an attachment to an ex and still feel attached to them.
How a dismissive avoidant ex feels after a breakup
After a break-up, dismissive avoidants feel a range of emotions including sadness, regret, relief, guilt, anger etc., but they’re so good at suppressing their attachment-related emotions, compartmentalizing and focusing on something else (work, school, hobbies, friends, partying etc.) that on a behavioural level they show fewer difficulties with break-ups. A dismissive avoidant can go from talking everyday and hanging out 2- 3 times a week and sharing your lives together to nothing and carry on with life like the breakup never happened.
They don’t let a break-up turn their emotions and world upside down which is easy to do because dismissive avoidants often have short-term relationships, take long to fall in love, don’t attach to their partners and prefer to slowly fade away or ghost an ex than go through an actual break-up and all the associated emotions and drama.
And when you break-up with a dismissive avoidant, they develop what I call “Who needs you?” attitude which makes it look like a dismissive avoidant moved on fast after the breakup. In the “who needs you” mental space, some dismissive avoidant quickly move on to someone new or go back to an old ex, but most dismissive avoidant exes stay away from relationships altogether, especially if the relationship ended badly and with lots of drama. It reminds them of why they don’t want to be in relationships and triggers in a dismissive avoidant the fear of getting close to someone.
But while a break-up can trigger in a dismissive avoidant the fear of getting close to someone and make them wary of getting into a relationship again, it does not make most dismissive avoidants want to cut off contact with an ex. They can afford to maintain contact with an ex and even remain friends because they have no “painful feelings” to deal with; if there are any, they’re suppressed and compartmentalized away. As long as there’s no break-up drama, you’re okay with keeping the lines of communication open, and don’t keep bringing up the relationship or break-up, a dismissive avoidant ex will respond to texts and even initiate some texts but they’ll be more distant and slower responding.
Do dismissive avoidants miss you after the break-up?
Dismissive avoidants in general don’t miss exes they weren’t attached to and don’t miss an ex if the relationship was tumultuous. But if a dismissive avoidant had developed a an attachment to you, a dismissive avoidant ex will miss you whether they are the dumper or you broke up with them.
A dismissive avoidant’s way of missing you is that they’ll think of you from time to time because dismissive avoidants don’t allow themselves to sit in the uncomfortable feeling of missing someone. Their coping mechanism somehow finds a way to keep an ex at a distance by suppressing feelings and thoughts of you.
A dismissive avoidant can even go for weeks without thinking about you and only start thinking of you when they receive a text from you, hear about you or run into you. A text from you, hearing about you or running into you brings up thoughts of you which makes them miss you. In some rare cases a dismissive avoidants will check your social media because they’re thinking of you but not reach out, but sometimes they’ll reach out in some way to let you know they thought of you. On most part, the majority of dismissive avoidants think about you briefly and again “forget” about you until something else happens that causes them to think of you and miss you.
Do dismissive avoidants reach out to exes after the break-up?
Dismissive avoidants reach out to an ex after the break-up but it’s rare for them to do so. Unlike anxiously attached and fearful avoidants who impulsively reach out to an ex out anxiety, dismissive avoidants have so much emotional control that even when they know that they’ve pushed you so far away that you will not reach out first, they will take their time reaching out.
Reaching out to an ex means acknowledging that they have attachment needs and that they need you. Showing you that they need you makes them vulnerable to you later using their need for attachment to manipulate and control them. If a dismissive avoidant thinks that you are doing no contact just to see if they’ll reach out first, they won’t reach out just to prove to you that they can’t be manipulated or controlled. They see any attempts to influence their behaviour as trying to control them and will do not reach out to show you that they can’t be manipulated or controlled.
Some dismissive avoidant who think you might be using no contact to try to manipulate them go on social media just to taunt you or send you messages and when you respond, they ignore you. They justify ignoring you as them giving you a taste of your own medicine. Even a dismissive avoidant who “misses” you will postpone reaching out for months if they think you might be trying to manipulate them into coming back.
What does it means when a dismissive avoidant reaches out first?
Dismissive avoidants generally do not reach out to someone because they’re lonely or feel alone because dismissive avoidants do very well, in fact do much better all on their own. Wanting connecting is not something they crave or seek out. If a dismissive avoidant reaches out first, it is because they:
1) Had developed a strong emotional attachment to you and misses what they had with you.
2) Feel the relationship was relatively good (not many arguments or fights) and therefore you are a “good person” they still want you in their life even though they might not want a relationship with you.
3) Heard something bad happened to you and they think they should show support or concern because it’s the right thing to do.
4) Are having a hard time meeting someone as good as you and either regret breaking up with you or want to if the can do a relationships this time around.
5) Want sex with no strings attached because dismissive avoidants can easily separate love from sex and often call an ex they have no romantic feelings towards just for sex.
6) Want to be friends because they think enough time has passed for you to still want to pressure them to get back together.
The main reason dismissive avoidants want to be friends with an ex is they have somebody to talk to and even hook-up with, but without the expectations or commitment of a romantic relationship. And there is already some level of connection and trust, so less discomfort with closeness and vulnerability.
Sometimes they offer being friends while breaking up and if you say no, they’ll never reach out. But if a dismissive avoidant thinks there’s a chance that they might want to give the relationship another chance, they’ll insist on being friends. Being friends first allows them to test drive what the new dynamic or relationship can look and feel like, without the pressure to commit to coming back or being in a relationship.
Do dismissive avoidant dumpers to come back?
Dismissive avoidants are more likely to come back if they initiated the break-up than if you broke up with them. They may even regret the break-up and reach out a few days later or feel regret for the break-up months later and reach out to see if you want to get back together.
How you know a dismissive avoidant regrets the break-up and wants another chance is they’re very apologetic and tell you that it’s them and not you. This is significant because dismissive avoidants think of themselves positively but have low opinion of others especially the people they’re in a relationship with. So them saying the problem is with them and not you means they know they royally screwed up.
But even when they know they messed up and want you back, most dismissive avoidants will not rush to getting back together. They’ll usually want to meet right away or within a few days because they know themselves enough to know that if they don’t make that move to meet, they’ll convince themselves that it’s better to just forget the whole thing. Despite how they feel, it’s not worth putting anymore effort into making the relationship work.
They’ll also want to meet sooner than later because they want to see how you are going to be with them. If you keep talking about the past, are still angry about the break-up, ask them too many questions to explain themselves or complain about their behaviours, a dismissive avoidant pull back on their regret and convince themselves you and not them were the problem all along.
Do dismissive avoidants come back if you broke up with them?
Most dismissive avoidants don’t come back if you initiated the break-up because they’re too proud to come back to someone who broke up with them or because they don’t want to ever feel sad or hurt again. They may even feel that they deserve better because even if they come back you won’t ever really understand them or appreciate them.
Some dismissive avoidant dumpees even come back because of a bruised ego. If they made an effort to try to be a good partner, they may feel offended that you didn’t appreciate the effort they put into the relationship. Their coming back is not to make the relationship work but to make you realize that you should have appreciated them while you had them
But if a dismissive avoidant dumpee is self-aware or has some level of self-awareness, or is doing self-work and/or seeing a therapist, they’ll come back hoping that they can do better and be less dismissive avoidant.
What makes a dismissive avoidant ex want to come back?
The main reason dismissive avoidants come back to exes is because they are still attached to you and still have strong feelings for you.
The second reason dismissive avoidants come back is the relationship was relatively good, they felt safe and it was different from all past relationships.
The third reason dismissive avoidants come back is the break-up was a positive experience and didn’t trigger in them why they don’ want relationships in the first place.
The fourth reason reason dismissive avoidants come back, and probably the one reason that has the most impact on a dismissive avoidant staying after they come back and the relationship working is they’re in therapy or did deep self-work and take responsibility for their behaviours and actions. This is important because dismissives avoidants very rarely process break-ups, let alone do relationship autopsies. They simply suppress everything and want to move forward like nothing every happened, an when you try to talk about the relationship or break-up, they stop responding and disappear, then reappear again (and still don’t want to talk about the past).
You’ll notice a change in your dismissive avoidant’s behaviours and even language when they’re done their own inner work and healing. They’ll be more reflective, be more emotionally vulnerable, open to talking about the past and the work they’re doing on themselves, talk about relationships in more positive light, and they’ll even start noticing things about you that have been there all along but being dismissive avoidant they never noticed before. This is a dismissive avoidant trying to better and be less dismissive avoidant.
COMMENTS: I encourage comments from dismissive avoidants on what makes you miss an ex and what makes you comes back. Let’s all learn from each other.