Question: Do dismissive avoidant exes ever think about you? Do they miss their exes or are they too proud to admit they miss them?
My dismissive avoidant ex broke up with me three months ago but we stayed as friends and text or call each other often. She acts like she wants to get back together but when I tell her I love her and miss her, she does not respond. One time I asked her if she still love me and got no reply back. When I pressed her on if we will ever get back together, she said she’ll think about it but thinks we’d better off with other people. I’ve heard from mutual friends that she isn’t dating anyone else, and they say she still loves me and is not over me. But I don’t know. She’s never said she still loves me or misses me. My question to you is, do dismissive avoidant exes ever think about you? Do they miss their exes or are they too proud to admit they miss them?
Yangki’s Answer: Do dismissive avoidant exes ever think about you? Yes, they do, but dismissive avoidants keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves as explained in this article.
Dismissive avoidants typically are not people who prioritize relationships or spend much time thinking about someone they love and care about. I’m sure that at some point in your relationship you must asked yourself, “Do they care about me? Don’t I mean something to them?”. And almost everyone I’ve talked to who is trying to get back with their dismissive avoidant ex has told me that they can’t but sometimes wonder if their dismissive avoidant ex misses them.
A dismissive avoidant’s brain finds a way to try to keep you at a distance
When a dismissive avoidant ex thinks about you, they may think of you affectionately and caringly but somehow their brain finds a way to try to keep you at an emotional distance. They think of you then they start having questioning thoughts whether they truly love you, if you’re trying to change them or control them, if the relationship is what they want, if you’re right for them etc. These questioning thoughts trigger emotions and feelings which dismissive avoidants immediately put a stop to. It doesn’t matter if the feelings are positive or negative, they just don’t want to deal with them and so suppress them.
Once in a while they allow themselves to feel and that’s when you see them reach out randomly out of the blue, but the reach out is stripped off all emotion or feeling. They will reach out with something about work, family, an interest or hobby, politics, what’s on the new or a joke or humour, but no “I was thinking of you” or “I miss you” or even “This reminded me of you”. That’s way too much vulnerability for a dismissive avoidant ex.
If you respond with “I was thinking of you” or “I miss you” or even “This reminded me of you”, they may make a joke to try to redirect the conversation away from talking about feelings e.g. make a joke or some smart Alec comment, or the may not respond at. This doesn’t mean that a dismissive avoidant doesn’t care or that you that you didn’t mean anything to them. Even dismissive avoidants who have a strong attachment to an ex and still have feelings for them and even think that at some point they may be ready to give the relationship another chance don’t say “I’m thinking of you” or “I miss you”.
I share how a dismissive avoidants handle break-ups in my account of my dismissive avoidant years. I talk about how an ex saying “I miss you” irritated me and made me not want to respond.
“After a break-up, some exes would ask if I missed them, and I just didn’t respond. If they asked me if I missed them, it irritated me. It’s like keep your feelings to yourself. I don’t want to hear them.’
Based on what I hear from dismissive avoidants and people trying to attract back a dismissive avoidant, they never say “I miss you” or “I miss you too?”.
It doesn’t mean that they don’t miss the connection you had and the good memories. It’s that it doesn’t matter if a dismissive avoidant ex misses you, it’s not something they dwell on or want to talk about. If they reaches out or you reach out and they respond, keep the conversation to instrumental communication, until they’re comfortable and safe enough to talk about feelings or even to emotionally connect.
A dismissive avoidant ex may not say, “I miss you” but that doesn’t mean they don’t
Don’t ignore her saying “you’d be better off with other people” because this maybe her way of trying to justify dating someone else in the future. But don’t take her too seriously either if she’s acting like she wants to get back together. She may not be showing or telling you how she feels about you but saying things to your mutual friends to make them say she still loves you and is not over you.
If your dismissive avoidant ex reached out after a break-up after reading this, it’s because you meant something to them. It’s important to understand how dismissive avoidants process a break-up and why the come back based on a dismissive avoidant’s perspective. It will help you understand how much effort it took your dismissive avoidant ex to reach out, and why they reached out to you.
I’m not saying that your dismissive avoidant wants to get back together or for others reading this that you should take back a dismissive avoidant. I’m saying that dismissive avoidants show they love you, care about you and miss you in ways that you may not see as love or caring about you. They may not say, “I miss you” or “I miss you too” but that doesn’t mean they don’t.
I have written many articles about how dismissive avoidants exes that may be worth reading. You may even realize that your dismissive avoidant ex is trying to show you they miss you, but is too proud to say, “I miss you” or “I miss you too”.