Do Dismissive Avoidant Exes Ever Make You A Priority?

When you are in a relationship, you make the person you love the most important person in your life and expect that they make you the most important in theirs. You also make the effort to do what it takes to make the relationship work. Dismissive avoidants do none of that. They show up in a relationship like they’d show up for a job that they don’t enjoy but pays the bills – do what they’re supposed to do, and no more. To dismissive avoidants, prioritizing their partners or the relationship feels like too much pressure, too many expectations and a hinderance to their independence. They’d rather be alone in “peace and quiet” than prioritize a relationship.

Dismissive avoidants don’t even think of it as “prioritizing a relationship’, they see as “sacrificing their independence” for a relationship, and that’s a no-never.

Will your dismissive avoidant ex ever make you a priority?

Yes, dismissive avoidants can make you a priority but that doesn’t mean they will prioritize the relationship. I’ll explain what I mean.

While anxiously attached and some fearful avoidants see themselves and the relationship as one and the same, “If you love me, you will want to be with me/want a relationship with me”, dismissive avoidants tend to separate the person from the relationship.

Because they can make this separation, it’s possible for a dismissive avoidant to prioritize a partner but not prioritize the relationship, or prioritize an ex but not prioritize getting back together. For example, a dismissive avoidant will do things that are way outside of their comfort zone, things that they know are a much bigger priority to their partner than it is to them and will make their partner happy or ‘keep the peace”, but when asked to work on a relationship problem or even just have a conversation about it, they avoid, resist and fight back like their life depends on it.

A dismissive avoidant and a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive will even breakup with someone they love and care for deeply because they’re being asked to prioritize the relationship. This is why I advice my clients not to get too excited when a dismissive avoidant reaches out after a period of no contact, asks to meet, and is even vulnerable about how they feel about you. A dismissive avoidant can do all the things that make it clear they still love you and care about you. but not want to get back together, or want a relationship with you.

If you were in a situationship or things “were complicated”, dismissive avoidants will come back easily as long as you accept that 1) you are not in a relationship, and 2) they don’t want a relationship and things will go back to them showing up when it’s convenient for them and you having no expectations.

So no, unless a dismissive avoidant does serious healing and self-work, it’s unlikely that they’ll prioritize relationships. The question you have to ask yourself is if a dismissive avoidant not prioritizing the relationship, not investing more or making long term commitment is a dealbreaker for you.

There is no right or wrong answer. This is about what it is you want, now or in the future.

1) If what you want is to be with a dismissive avoidant as long as they prioritize you even if they don’t prioritize working on the relationship or commitment, then you have to understand that if you also just do what you are supposed to do, don’t complain or ask for more consideration or better treatment, it’s a good relationship as far as a dismissive avoidant is concerned.

This doesn’t mean you mean less to a dismissive avoidant, it just means that sometimes there are things, places and people who take priority over a relationship because they meet a dismissive avoidant’s need that a relationship can’t. Because of their early childhood experiences where they felt that they had to depend on themselves and themselves alone, they’ve most likely filled their life with things they want to do, people they want to see and places they want to go because it makes them feel that they’re not all by themselves in this world, and it has nothing to do with you.

As long as you accept that a dismissive avoidant is never going to prioritize the relationship, the two of you will work. But this doesn’t mean that you have to ignore your needs. If you ignore your needs, you will still be unhappy even if you have accepted that a dismissive avoidant is never going to prioritize the relationship. What you can do is learn to ask for your needs to be met or for a dismissive avoidant to prioritize you without coming across as forcing a relationship a dismissive avoidant.

2) If what you want is someone who prioritizes you and prioritize working on the relationship or prioritizes commitment, you will do yourself a huge favour accepting that your dismissive avoidant ex is not the person you are looking for, and trying to make them into that person, is self-inflicted pain.

Yes, there are dismissive avoidants in long term relationships and marriages which means that dismissive avoidants can be in committed relationships, but they get there in their own time and in the right emotional environment. But if the ‘waiting” is affecting your mental health, walk away.

A dismissive avoidant’s love for you has to be stronger than their fear of “too many expectations” and fear of >”sacrificing their independence” for a relationship for a dismissive avoidant to want to change for you.

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