Do Avoidants Apologize To You When They Hurt You?

Do avoidants feel guilty and apologize when they hurt you? Studies on attachment styles and apology quality say that avoidants can feel guilt and apologize; but avoidants are more likely to disengage during times of conflict as a way of protecting themselves.

One of the hypothesis was that closeness to the person hurt accounts for the quality of the apology. Researchers were particularly keen to test whether avoidants:

  • Feel less close to someone and are therefore less motivated to repair the relationship
  • Simply care less about their relationships in general

They hypothesized that, because people high in attachment avoidance are less comfortable making themselves emotionally vulnerable, they are:

  • in general less empathic toward others
  • less willing to engage in constructive conflict resolution behaviours
  • more likely to respond to their attachment partner’s negative emotions with hostility and defensiveness.
  • would employ more defensive strategies in their responses.

Study 1: Are avoidants willing to offer comprehensive apology?

Participants were told to imagine hurting someone they considered a dear and very close friend; and then rate their likelihood of using apology elements and defensive strategies.

As anticipated, the findings were consistent with how avoidants behave when their relationships are under threat. Rather than engaging in constructive behaviours aimed at protecting and repairing the relationship; avoidants tend to distance themselves and engage in hostile and defensive behaviours aimed at protecting the self.

Avoidants invest less effort trying to understand the other person’s feelings

The findings provide evidence for the process by which avoidants emotionally disengage. After upsetting or hurting someone, avoidants invest less effort trying to understand the other person’s feelings and perspectives; and more effort in defensiveness and self-preservation strategies.

Avoidants apologize if they feel closer to someone they hurt

Researchers also found a positive association between an avoidant’s rating of closeness to the victim and apology comprehensiveness. The closer they felt to the victim the more likely they were to offer a comprehensive apology. This is because avoidants who feel close to their victims have a strong need to be viewed positively. This motivates them to downplay the negativity of their actions and the impact on the relationship; which in turn stops them from deactivating and pulling away.

Fearful avoidants distance and engage in hostile and defensive behaviours

The findings for anxiously attached participants were less consistent. The analysis suggested that someone with attachment anxiety might provide a full and deep apology; if they scored low on avoidance (Preoccupied Attachment Style). When they scored high on avoidance (Fearful Avoidant); they distanced themselves and engaged in hostile and defensive behaviours aimed at protecting the self.

Study 2: Do avoidants get defensive in their responses?

Participants were told to recall an offense they had committed that was currently unresolved; and write an e-mail to the person they had hurt. They were given the following instructions:

“We would now like you to write an e-mail to the person you hurt. Please use this e-mail to address the offense that you committed against them. Say whatever it is that you would like to say to them about this event. At the end of the study, we will ask you to log in to your e-mail account and send the e-mail.”

In emails they wrote and intended to send to their victims, researchers found less frequent use of apology elements; and more frequent use of defensive strategies among participants with higher levels of attachment avoidance. These emails were also judged as being less effective overall and as conveying less vulnerability to the victim.

Avoidants get defensive only when they commit severe offenses 

In addition, researchers found that more avoidants were more defensive in their responses only when they had committed severe offenses. Nearly all offenses reported were relational in nature (e.g., insulting, lying, arguing, cheating, breaking the person’s heart).This finding suggests that an angrier victim; and recognizing that one’s behaviour was quite harmful might be required to trigger an avoidant’s defensive responses.

Avoidants more hostile and defensive when they perceive negative emotions in their partners

This is consistent with past studies that found that the more avoidants perceive negative emotions in their partners; the more they display hostile and defensive behaviour.

As in the first study, the findings for anxiously attached participants were less consistent. When told to imagine how they would respond when they had upset or hurt someone; anxiously attached individuals engaged in relationship-promotive behaviours. Perhaps because they care about maintaining their close relationships.

Avoidants on the other hand engaged in avoidant behaviours when avoidants they had an opportunity to respond. Their self-protective motives kick in and guided them toward less constructive behaviour.

Do avoidants apologize when they hurt you?

The studies above suggest that avoidants apologize when they hurt you. But avoidants are more likely to disengage during times of conflict as a way of protecting themselves; and to regulate the insecurity they feel with their close relationship partner.

Perhaps, as the study suggests, minimizing the expression of “negative” emotions might make an avoidant:

  • less hostile and defensive
  • more willing to put aside self-protection goals
  • invest effort to understand your feelings and perspectives, and
  • seek connectedness.

But again, as the study says, whether all the above can happen depends on how the avoidant rates closeness to you.

RELATED:

How I Handled Break-Ups As A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment And “Longing” For An Ex

How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – Explained In Detail

What Makes A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Miss You And Come Back?

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2 Comments

  1. says: Liam Pet

    Since I discovered attachment theory, I’ve been reading anything I can find about dismissive avoidants, and I happened to find this article. I recognize myself in what you said in one of your articles about dismissive avoidants blocking all feelings and not processing emotions of a breakup. My last breakup is 6 months, and the same day we broke up I went on a date with a woman who expressed interest in me and for 2 months I hooked up with random women. I felt completely over my ex that when I saw her months later I felt nothing for her. This has been my pattern with all my breakups. With therapy I see how this isn’t healthy, but it’s how I coped. When it was over, it was over.

    I’ve been working with a therapist and learning to allow myself to feel things I’ve bottled up all these years. Lately, I found myself thinking about an ex of 7 years ago. I can’t say I miss her, but I think of how I felt when with her and it makes me sad. I told my therapist about it and she advised me to write a letter to my ex as a way of getting in touch with my feelings but not to send it. I want to know your thoughts; do you think I should reach out? Should I send her the letter? I feel like she deserves to know how I felt about her because I never told her.

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I think you should listen to your therapist with regards to the letter. Yes, she deserves to know how you felt, but it’s 7 years ago, and it’s very likely that she’s moved on from the breakup.

      As for reaching out, if you strongly feel about it, reach out. She may not want to hear from you, she may be in a relationship and will not want to reopen that door, and that’s fine. That’s her right. But she may be single and will be happy to hear from you. Regardless, it’s one way for you to practice vulnerability.

      Make it very simple, just reaching out like an old friend.

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