When You Catch Feelings in An Avoidant Situationship

Catching feelings in an avoidant situationship is a uniquely lonely experience that often only someone who has been through it can fully understand. Because they aren’t doing anything overtly “wrong”, it can feel like you are on your own with your feelings.

The experience can be even more painful and isolating when you tell them you have developed feelings for them and they say, “I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious” or “You knew what you were getting into.”

With a relationship, there is a mutual understanding that feelings will be part of the connection, in a situationship, however, it can feel as though you have no right to develop feelings, and now that you have, you messed things up.

And when you have an anxious attachment, you blame yourself for not being more detached or for ending up in a situationship in the first place.

Situationships are often the “ideal” arrangement for an avoidant

Situationships are practical, structured, the boundaries are clear, there are no expectations and responsibilities of a committed relationship, and an avoidant can remain independent and in control of their time, space, and level of involvement.

This makes it particularly appealing to an avoidant.

They can enjoy companionship, affection and even emotional intimacy without feeling that the other person over time will start expecting, asking or demanding more time, attention, availability, involvement or commitment.

As long as it’s clear to you that they’re not looking to get into a serious relationship, you are not in a “relationship,” and there’s little chance of emotional entanglement, an avoidant feels comfortable maintaining the situationship.

Practically however, situationship are probably better suited for dismissive avoidants and dismissive-leaning fearful avoidants than they are for fearful avoidants given that fearful avoidants need consistency, stability and clear interest.

Some studies even show that some dismissive avoidants are more affectionate and emotionally vulnerable in casual relationships and situationships because they can do what they want to do and not feel that they have to account for how they use their time, where they were, or who they see or talk to, etc.

In this article, I’ll refer to dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants leaning dismissive as dismissive-leaning avoidants, for easier reading, and to separate them from fearful avoidants who may behave differently in situationships, or when you catch feelings.

The connection is loving and caring in a controlled way

You have “emotional connection”, meet when its convenient for them, and after spending time together you go your separate ways.

Both people understand that it is not a relationship and there is no one “waiting” for the other to commit.

Sometimes the situationship can even feel like a relationship that’s progressing very, very slowly.

The only difference is that with a relationship, dismissive-leaning avoidants are (uncomfortably) aware that things could become more serious, feelings could develop and commitment will come up at some point. And this sometimes keeps them on edge.

But with a situationship, it’s just two people who really like each other and enjoy each other and nothing more.

What happens when you catch feelings

Many dismissive-leaning avoidants are aware that the other person will probably catch feelings. They are also aware that they could catch feelings, but they are more concerned about you catching feelings than they are about themselves catching feelings because they know themselves. They know they can shut down their feelings, but you might not be able to do the same, and things could get complicated.

If a dismissive-leaning avoidant was upfront from the beginning that they were not looking for anything serious, that there was never going to be a relationship, and what you have is strictly a situationship, and you catch feelings anyways, you’re on your own with your feelings.

They may not want to hear about them, and may pull back to avoid dealing with your feelings.

As far as they are concerned, they care about you, like being with you and value you, but you knew they were not looking for anything serious and caught feelings anyways.

Catching feelings complicate situationships for both people

Catching feelings complicates things for dismissive-leaning avoidants because feelings create expectations and a need for more closeness. This threatens the independence and control the situationship was providing.

Catching feelings also complicates things for you because feelings make you want more closeness and commitment from a connection that was never designed to provide them.

In almost the cases of situationships that I’ve worked with, an anxiously attached person is often the one who ends things.

• They may not have wanted a situationship and found themselves in one because they did not want to lose the connection.
• They knew, understood and agreed that it was a situationship, but caught feelings that were not reciprocated, making it increasingly difficult to continue things as a situationship.
• They agreed to the situationship hoping that it would lead to a relationship and realized that an avoidant was comfortable keeping things as they were.
• Even though it was a situationship, they felt neglected or used because their emotional needs were increasingly unmet.

Dismissive-leaning avoidants rarely intiate the end of a situationship

But here is the really interesting part: if you do not pressure them, insist on wanting more, demand that they label the situationship, or want to make the situatioship a relationship, most dismissive-leaning avoidants will not end a situationship simply because you developed feelings.

They will breakup up with you if you were in a relationship and pressured them for a commitment, but with a situationship:

• They may mentally minimize the situation. As far as they’re concerned, they aren’t obligated to reciprocate your feelings.
• They may justify staying by thinking, “They knew what this is, if they don’t like it, they can leave.”
• They may pull back for a while to allow you to come to terms with the fact that there’s going to be no relationship, and your feelings will likely not be reciprocated.
• They may then cycle back to see if you’re willing to continue with things as they were.
• They’ll be open to restarting things as long as it’s clear to you that your feelings will likely not be reciprocated in the way you expect, hope or want.

To someone who thinks emotionally, this feels cold and uncaring, but for a dismissive-leaning avoidant, this is rational and fair.

If you want things to continue how they’ve been, they’re okay with that. They like you, you are good company and the sex is great, but that’s all they can offer you. And as long as you don’t try to move things into relationship status, they will let the dynamic continue.

If you want to end the situationship and want no contact, that’s okay too. They’re not going to chase you because they were honest from the beginning. You are the one who complicated things when you caught feelings.

Pressuring a dismissive-leaning avoidant to reciprocate your feelings doesnt work

Dismissive avoidants are what they call satisficers.

They make the decision that’s most convenient or practical or self-serving and only change their mind if they have additional information that shows that revising their earlier decision is what is most convenient or practical or self-serving.

Your best chance of turning a situationship into a relationship therefore depends on you showing them that a situationship is convenient or practical for now, but a relationship is what is practical long-term.

This is not going to be easy, but the fact that they rarely initiate the end of a situationship, and even when they do, cycle back at some point means the connection has already become meaningful enough for them to keep returning to it.

RELATED:

Getting Back Together After Avoidant Situationship Ends

Avoidant Situationship: What ALWAYS Pulls an Avoidant Back

The Unique Mindset of Forever-Single Dismissive Avoidants