When Do Dismissive Avoidants Begin Longing For An Ex?

You’ve probably seen it floating around: “It takes 3–6 months for a dismissive avoidant to miss you, to start longing for you.”

Let’s get this straight: that’s not just misleading—it’s completely unsubstantiated. There’s no credible research showing that dismissive avoidants follow a breakup “timeline,” or that they even process breakups the way people imagine. Instead they go through emotional and mental states which may not match neatly with the standard breakup stages or breakup “timeline.”

Sure, there are exceptions. Some dismissive avoidants do reflect or self-analyze after a breakup, but self-examination isn’t exactly a hallmark of this attachment style.

And here’s the bigger problem: the idea that if you “give them time,” they’ll inevitably feel nostalgia, start longing for you, and come running back is a huge misunderstanding of dismissive attachment. It’s a narrative that gives false hope — and can cost you more than you realize.

So first, let’s define what “longing” actually means:

• Dwell on someone or something
• Persistent yearning or craving
• A strong desire for something often unattainable
• Feeling sad because you want someone very much

Now think about that for a second. Dwell, pine, crave, feel sad… does that sound like a dismissive avoidant? Not according to attachment theory.

Dismissive avoidants don’t need anyone. They don’t long for anyone.

This style of attachment usually develops from emotionally distant, cold, or inconsistent caregiving. Maybe love and care were there, but it didn’t feel safe or good. Maybe emotions were shamed, dismissed, or ignored. The lesson a child internalizes? “Don’t rely on anyone. Don’t need anyone. Keep your feelings to yourself.”

Some dismissive avoidants even grew up having to take care of adults or siblings, learning independence the hard way. By the time they reach adulthood, their internal script reads something like this:

“It’s safer to be alone than to need people who won’t meet my needs or understand my feelings.”

In relationships, this translates to: “I need nobody. Nobody should need anyone.” It doesn’t mean they can’t love or care about you — it just means they are wired to avoid dependency.

Many of my clients have told me their dismissive exes “loved” them, but it didn’t feel that way because the love was filtered through distance, aloofness, boundaries, and unpredictability. They often:

• Rarely shared emotions
• Pulled away or dismissed feelings
• Controlled space and time rigidly
• Were inconsistent or unreliable

That’s their attachment’s blueprint. That’s how they learned relationships work. And yes, it extends into how they handle breakups. Most move on and never want an ex back, some want to stay friends after the breakup and a very small percentage come back — but none are suddenly going to pine or long for an ex the way an anxious person does.

Longing requires admitting, even to yourself, that you need love and connection. For a dismissive avoidant, that’s a vulnerability too scary to allow.

After a breakup, they develop a “Who needs you?” attitude.

Most dismissive avoidant relationships are either been “casual” or don’t last long and many dismissive avoidants at some point or another in the relationship ask themselves “Am I In love?” . They don’t have many experiences of “falling in love” or “being in love” and sometimes they think they are but aren’t sure. When the relationship ends, they really don’t know if they love you or if it was just lust or the familiarity of being in a relationship.

So while you’re sitting there “waiting” for them to start longing for you, they’re probably deciding they didn’t really need the relationship to begin with. And even if they feel some missing, it’s not the pining, nostalgic kind — it’s a cool, distant acknowledgment.

Waiting for a dismissive avoidant to long for you is not just wishful thinking. It’s a misunderstanding of their attachment style, and it’s a setup for disappointment.

Dismissive avoidants reach out and come back when they’re ready.

The assumption behind “It takes 3–6 months for a dismissive avoidant to miss you, to start longing for you” is that dismissive avoidants take longer to process breakups, and when they eventually do, they get hit by nostalgia—a sudden wave of emotion that makes them realize what they lost.

Here’s the truth: your dismissive avoidant ex may never process the breakup at all. Many haven’t even processed their childhood trauma, losses, or emotional wounds. They don’t want to dwell on it. They don’t want to talk about it with anyone — not a therapist, not a coach. They just want to move on, avoid the discomfort, and carry on with their lives.

Research also shows that dismissive avoidants often “forget” details of their childhood distress. Their brains conveniently let them block out periods when they needed love and care and either got none or only cold, distant attention.

If they can forget something as fundamental as that, what are the chances they’re sitting with their breakup feelings, analyzing why it ended, or drowning in nostalgia for you? Very slim.

Here’s the point: dismissive avoidants reach out and come back because they want to. It’s not because they’ve processed the breakup, nor because you gave them enough time to “miss” you. For a dismissive avoidant, maintaining control over their emotions and their experience is crucial to their sense of independence and security. Longing for someone else? That undermines everything they’ve worked to protect about themselves.

This is why a dismissive avoidant ex reaching out first after the break-up is a big deal.

RELATED:

Do Dismissive Avoidant Exes Feel Lonely When Alone?

What Are A Dismissive Avoidant Break Up Stages?

No Contact Works Differently With A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

What Makes A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Miss You And Come Back?