Contact and How Not to Pressure Your Ex

Many people trying to get their ex back mistakenly think that telling and showing their ex that they love them very much is what will make their ex want to come back. But unrelenting confessions of love only end up pushing your ex even further away. Why? Because even if it looks like it’s about your ex, telling your ex over and over that you love him/her is really about YOU. It’s your fear and anxiety pushing you to seek some kind of reassurance that your ex still loves you as much as you love him/her.

What you should be doing if you want your ex back is show him/her how important — and valuable — your relationship was and is and want it – again. Putting emphasis on the relationship not only makes you less “selfish”, it also takes off the pressure that comes with your ex feeling like they have to “love you back” because you love him/her so much.

But communicating this to an ex can sometimes be like going to the dentist – you don’t know what to expect once you get there, but you almost always assume that the process will be painful and unpleasant. No wonder most people opt to avoid any kind of contact with an ex.

One of the things that can greatly increase your success of getting your ex back is understanding that the one who is trying to win the other back always has to be in more control of his or her own emotions. When you get emotionally upset, frustrated or discouraged, you not only lose your ex’s attraction, you also lose momentum – and in this process momentum is everything.

The more in control you are of your own emotions, the less stress you’ll feel. The less stressed you feel, the more calm and hopeful you’ll feel. The more calm and hopeful you feel, the more productive your interactions with your ex will be – and the better your chances of winning him or her back.

When helping my clients get back their ex, I teach them what I call stress or hassle free contact/interaction. Stress or hassle free contact/interaction promotes emotional calm and understanding as opposed to the traditional fear and anxiety based contact/interaction. It projects a positive feeling rather than a self-interested and stressful one.

Example 1: Your ex tentatively agrees to a date but says he/she will have to confirm it. Wanting things to go really well you went ahead and made reservations. But the day approaches and your ex still hasn’t given you a firm answer.

Fear and anxiety based communication:You need to confirm if you’re coming before noon tomorrow, otherwise I’ll have to cancel the reservations/arrangements”.

Stress or hassle free communication:Let me know before noon tomorrow so I can confirm the reservation with the restaurant“.

What’s the difference? First of all, the stress or hassle free approach sounds more “upbeat” and has a positive tone, though it contains almost identical content. The reason there’s no pressure is because you’re not making it sound like it’ll be your ex’s fault that you might have to cancel the reservations. By relieving him/her of the “stress” of having to say “NO”, he/she will be more inclined to continue contact/interaction even if for one reason or another he/she is unable to make it to dinner.

Example 2: You and your ex were great friends and you’re convinced that if you build on that strong friendship you can create a better relationship. Your ex on the other side can’t make up his/her mind, keeps changing positions and sending mixed signals.

Fear and anxiety based communication:There is no reason why we cannot be friends and try to work this out. But if you don’t want to try just say so. Don’t waste my time!

Stress or hassle free communication:I can tell this is a hard decision for you to make. We can try it for a couple of weeks and if it doesn’t work, we know we at least tried”.

The reason there’s no pressure is because you’re leaving the right to say “NO” if things don’t work out to your ex. He/she has nothing to lose giving it a try for a couple of week. This not only encourages someone who is hesitant to want to try, it also starts to build trust and comfort level.

Why don’t many people use the stress or hassle free approach more often?

Because most men and women are scared to death of allowing others (especially someone they think might act according his/her own agenda) to exercise their right to say “no.” The irony is that stress-free relationships – the kind we all want and long for – are those that respect the other’s right to say “no” — and not give him/her a hard time about it.

Start practicing stress or hassle free communication and you’ll dramatically increase your chances of getting back your ex!

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72 Comments

  • I was sort of seeing this woman for three months before she decided she wanted us to be just friends. I told her I want her as a friend better than not have her in my life at all. A couple of weeks ago, we had a disagreement which ended badly. She told me that if I stopped pushing too hard we might actually have a chance. I have not called/texted her because I don’t want to make the mistake of being needy/clingy. Whenever we are at odds with each other, I’m always the first one to email/text/call to make things right. She’s probably waiting for me to contact her. I’m just wondering, do you think that because I haven’t contacted her she’ll feel she’s losing me and want me or may be she’ll think it’s not worth the trouble?

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    • I don’t think that just a one time effort not to appear needy/clingy will change anything. For her to say that if you’d stop pushing too hard you might actually have a chance says that this is something you’ve done over an extended period of time and has been/is a major turn off. You’ll have to consistently show — over a period of time — that you’re not needy/clingy for it to have a desired effect.

      I do not think not calling/texting after a major disagreement is the best way to start showing that you’re not clingy/needy. It’s more like you’re angry/sulking/immature. The best time to show you’re “no longer clingy/needy” is when everything is fine and the person can see/appreciate the change.

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  • I just wanted to say thank you for this site and for your ebook. I suffer from anxiety disorder which also makes me needy at times. I’ve been following the guidelines in your ebook on how not to overcontact my ex and they have really helped. She’s becoming more relaxed and even initiating contacts a few times. She knows I suffer from this disorder and I have been on and off medication. I appreicate that she wants to keep in contact with me after she had said she can’t give me the attention I need and feels worn out. You have really helped me. Thank you.

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    • Over-contacting is problem even for those who do not suffer from anxiety disorder. With anxiety disorder it must have been more frustrating for you and for your ex. I’m glad things are better between the two of you and pray that they get even better. No pressure…(:

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  • Yangki, I know you say in your book not to talk about the old relationship and I didn’t bring it up, he did. I was careful to stick to the facts as you advice and I think it made a difference. He noticed I was not being emotional and defensive and made the comment that he wishes I was “this person” when we were still together. I asked him what he meant and he said I seemed more mature than when we were together. He wants to see me again. My question is, should I wait for him to ask me out or ask him out? I asked him out the last time.

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    • First of all good for you for showing maturity. It paid of in that he wants to see you again.

      Wait may be a week or so, and if he doesn’t ask you out, ask him out. It’s important to keep the momentum going to move things forward.

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