Communicating Vs. Emotional Connection (Pt 2)

emotional-connection-emotional-bondBuilding a strong emotional bond goes beyond “good communication skills”.

Building a strong emotional bond is about emotional intimacy.

Intimacy! Now, that’s a word that scares many of us, including the “experts”. Why? Because you can’t talk about “intimacy” without talking about vulnerability and the possibility of hurt.

When we ask for advice, we want someone to tell us how to avoid getting hurt. The last thing we want to hear is that we will get hurt and that it’s okay to be vulnerable and risk hurt. Many of us “experts” know what you want to hear, and since some of us are afraid of vulnerability and the possibility of hurt ourselves, we will tell you exactly what you want to hear:

1. Don’t call him, let him call you first (Translation: He might not be interested, don’t put yourself out there to get hurt);

2. Play hard to get, she’ll become more interested (Translation: Don’t let her know you dig her, she’ll exploit your feelings for her — and you’ll get hurt);

3. “No Contact” is the best way to go (Translation: If you don’t contact him/her, and she doesn’t contact you, you’ll both move on. No one gets hurt).

When avoiding vulnerability and the possibility of hurt is your “normal”, your efforts at emotional intimacy are all about not getting hurt and little to do with connecting effectively or efficiently.

In your heart and in the depths of your soul, what you really, really want is to love and feel loved no matter how the other feels or acts, and no matter what they say or don’t say. You want to know you can count on each other no matter what happens. But your actions, habits and the way you behave say, “I can’t allow myself to love you so much or count on you because I fear I’ll get hurt”.

Guess what? That’s exactly what happens! YOU GET HURT.

But instead of recognizing where the REAL PROBLEM is. We wrap it up in “we have/had communication problems” and continue with the same mentality that got us where we are in the first place.

We still fear to make the first contact or call first because the other person might not respond/answer, and we’ll GET HURT. We still play silly mind games because we fear the other person will exploit our feelings for them, and we’ll GET HURT. We do “No Contact” because, hey! we don’t want to GET HURT.

If you want to know what truly loving someone is and feel truly loved, you have to get comfortable with being vulnerable. For example:

— Reaching out knowing that you might not get a response.

— Not knowing what the other person feels about you.

— Showing you care even when the other person doesn’t return the gesture.

— Letting the other person make their own decisions and choices even when those decisions don’t favour you etc.

— But most of all, you have to get comfortable with knowing that sometimes the people we love the most don’t love us back (and letting them go).

It’s a mindset reset, and for some a completely different ways of existing and relating. But until you allow yourself to be really be vulnerable, you will have a hard time emotionally connecting because you are always worried that your love will not be returned and you will get hurt.

Will you get hurt? Possibly! But so will you if you are all the time fearing that you’ll get hurt or trying to avoid getting hurt.

— Experience deep love and get hurt OR never feel really close to anyone and still get hurt?

— Take the risk and contact your ex OR not contact him/her at all and for the rest of your life wonder what might have been?

— Tell your ex you want him/her back OR pretend you have moved on and have him/her think you have when you haven’t?

— Learn “good communication skills” OR learn to connect more effectively and efficiently?

Your choice!

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  • It was a bad break up, I tried not talking to him for a while, but it didn’t last. He texted me a couple of times apologizing and I texted him back taking responsibility for my role in the breakup. Since then, a day has not gone by without us texting or talking on the phone. He does not however want to talk about the breakup or old relationship, and I’m struggling to figure out if he wants me back or just wants to be friends.

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    • It’s very normal for an ex not to want to talk about the old relationship or the break-up. It’s a sign that it’s too early in the process. Given that you have not had enough emotional distance from the old relationship (see my article: Emotional Distance And How It’ll Help Get Back Your Ex), it’s actually a good thing for the long term. It’s not only healthy for the relationship but also good for your chances if both of you are ready to start fresh, not trying to recapture what’s gone.

      The best you can do at this point is not pressure him but instead focus on creating that feeling that things are new and fresh.

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  • So grateful for your articles. I have read a lot of relationship advice lately, but I feel yours are the only which are really going to the core of what this is all about! I hope I can take all this to my heart and change my mindset to the better.

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