Fixing The Old Relationship Vs. Starting Over With Your Ex – Pt 2

how-to-talk-to-your-ex-about-the-break-upHow do you know you’re focusing your attention on the PRESENT?

You feel energized, relaxed and optimistic, even when the future is not so certain.

How do you know you are too much into the past or too far into the future?

You are constantly worried, anxious, afraid of making a mistake, feel drained, confused and empty-headed, as if you’re going around in circles — that’s because you are.

To increase the chances of getting back your ex, you must absolutely focus your attention on the PRESENT.

This is the tricky part. Many of us don’t know how to BE IN THE PRESENT. After reading that the reason why things don’t seem to be getting anywhere with your ex is because you are focusing too much on the past, the natural step is to jump (mentally and emotionally) from the past to the future.

From trying to explain your side of the story, what should’ve happened, what you missed, how you should have “fixed” this or that… to trying to convince your ex that (with hindsight) you now know what you should have done to make the relationship work, and as a result everything is going to be great (in the future).

But trying to convince your ex to come back by focusing too much on the future (how things will be), unfortunately, is the No. 3 reason why any progress towards reconciliation stalls — and sadly, things come to a final end despite all your efforts to make it work.

Trying to convince your ex to come back by focusing too much on the (unknown and unpredictable) future is a mistake. It’s a mistake because it just doesn’t work. But more importantly, it’s a mistake because the best way of making sure the future is taken care of, is by taking good care of the present — of NOW.

Whenever I get to this point with my clients, the next question I’m often asked is “But how does one take care of the present if you are not together?”

On the surface this sounds like a reasonable and legitimate question. I’m HERE but my ex is NOT HERE… so how does this “being present” (HERE) thing happen?

The answer is, it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen because the PRESENT is not some state that we enter, or has to be achieved. That’s why you find that the more you try to “be present” in the moment, the more elusive “the PRESENT” is.

It’s actually much simpler than that. Being present simply means to fully experience something (the pleasant, the not-so-pleasant, and the unpleasant) as it unfolds. The emphasis is on “fully”. Fully (aware, attentive, engaged and appreciative of the moment and it’s unfolding) is what makes it BE-ING in the present.

In the context of getting your ex back, it means paying attention to the cues your ex is giving, taking advantage of any and all opportunities, and appreciating where things are at the moment — and as they unfold.

If you are in the initial stages of contact for example, it means being thankful for whatever amount of contact you have and making the best of it. It doesn’t mean you should not try to increase the amount of contact and quality of communication between the two of you. It means you do everything you can to increase the amount of contact and quality of communication, but instead of complaining, wishing things were different, or trying to rush things to the next stage, you accept all outcomes and work your next move based on what’s in front of you NOW. Not how things were in the past or how you wish they were, but how they ARE now.

And if you are out on a date, being present means doing everything you can to make it the best date ever, instead of trying to recreate the past or be too concerned with your future needs and agenda.

It’s my hope that after reading both parts of this article, you will change the way you are trying to get back your ex. You will stop focusing too much on the past or too much in the future, and miss the opportunities to take advantage of the PRESENT.

Remember, if you take good care of the present, the future will take care of itself.

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I love this article and you write in a way that feels really down-to-earth and also beautiful and inspiring.

In my case, I’ve definitely been focussing on presence a lot and that’s where I’d like to approach meeting my ex from. But from his communication, he is definitely going ’round and round in circles’ – as you wrote – about the past and the scary, uncertain future. He cares about me a lot and wants to be present, but admits it’s hard for him. How does one work with this? Thank you!

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I love your blog and it has been a priceless tool. It’s funny how the simplest answers are right in front of us, yet we overcomplicate them to the point where the pressure we put on ourselves keeps building up so much that we end up choking under it all. I will not make the same mistakes again. Thank you! Keep up the good work.

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What a fabulous site….thanks so much 🙂

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It’s funny, I dumped my last ex because I felt smothered and as a result lost attraction for her. Last week my ex dumped me because she felt smothered and lost attraction for me. So now I’m trying to figure out how not to be needy and clingy so that she is attracted to me again. This site is really helping, but I feel like there is no way she’s going to be attracted to me again.

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