Is it possible for someone to love you and not want to be with you? Yes, it is possible for someone to love you and not want to be with you. It is also possible for two people to still love each other very much; but feel that they can’t be together in a relationship. It is actually more normal to still love your ex after a break-up.
Just because a relationship ends does not always mean love stops as well. This is because loving someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them are two different things.
Love is something that happens to us
Think of it as a universal energy that draws us towards someone. Exists without motive or agenda; and is a lasting source of acceptance, comfort and joy. We can feel this energy when we love someone whether they are present or not; and it causes us to act positively towards them at all times.
A relationship is something we make happen
We consciously choose who we want to be in a relationship with. There may even be several other equally good options to choose from; and we may feel strongly for both or all options. But we choose the person we want to be in a relationship with based on several factors. For instance, how we emotionally connect, how well we communicate, trust, support, respect, sense of fun, attractiveness (physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial etc.), compatibility (i.e. similar interests, dreams, beliefs, values etc.).
Most of the time, love and a relationship go together, love comes first then a relationship. Some of the time, as in “we were friends before we fell in love” relationships; the relationship comes first, then love. In some cases, two people who don’t love each other are in a relationship (or marriage) because they’re committed to each other. And in a few cases, two people who love each other deeply can’t be together for a number of reasons. For example, bad timing, religion or culture, long distance, one or both people are already married etc.
When a relationship ends, it’s often times because one or both people stopped “feeling” like they want to be together in a relationship. It does not necessarily mean that they stopped loving each other, it means that:
- One person (or both people) feels like they don’t want to be together anymore. They lost that feeling of being in love. They love the other person but they don’t feel in love with them.
- One person (or both people) feels the relationship isn’t what they want anymore. They wanted it at some point, and now they don’t want it.
- One person (or both people) feels that they can’t be together because the relationship isn’t working as it should be; not meeting their needs, too many problems, even toxic.
The emphasis here is “feeling”
Feelings unlike love are temporary, are triggered and shaped by our perception of reality; and can be influenced positively or negatively. And since feelings can and do change there is always a chance someone who loves you, but doesn’t want to be with you can feel differently.
Where the love is very strong but the relationship is not working, two people can break-up and get back together several times. They can break-up and get back together until one person decides to let the other go. And they will break-up and get back together until they have completely made it impossible to be together. It doesn’t necessarily mean they stopped loving each other, it means that they have acknowledged that being together is no longer an option. They are giving up on being in a relationship, but not loving each other.
This is one reason I am against “no contact” as a strategy for attracting back someone. Most people using no contact assume that because their ex doesn’t want the relationship anymore, their ex stopped loving them. They act like they stopped loving their ex as well.
They treat their ex like they’d treat an enemy (I’ll ignore you, I’ll make you jealous, I’ll devalue your humanity by refusing to acknowledge you even exist).
If someone still loves you but doesn’t want to be with you, the response is not to try to make them feel like you don’t love them either, to make them feel as hurt as you feel or make them regret their decision to break-up. It’s just how they feel that’s changed and often for a reason. You may not like or agree with their reason for not wanting to be with you, but at least respect it is how they felt or feel.
Don’t forget, feelings change all the time
Today they may feel that they love you but don’t want to be together and next week or month, they may feel differently. But if you are acting like you don’t love them anymore, don’t care if they live or die, and trying to make them feel like they are worth nothing, you are negatively affecting the way they feel about you, and about being with you.
Ask yourself: “If I still loved someone but felt we can’t be together because [fill your ex’s reason for the break-up here] and they treated me the way I am treating my ex, how would I feel? Would I feel like they are doing the things they are doing because they love me and want me back? Would I want to go back to someone like that?
“Treat others the way you want to be treated” is not just good advice, it’s also a warning.