7 Ways An Anxious Attachment Blocks Emotional Intimacy

Can you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and also be emotionally unavailable? Yes, you can. Anxiously attached also struggle with emotional vulnerability, emotional intimacy and forming deep and meaningful relationships.

But when we think of emotionally unavailability, we often associate it with avoidant attachment style and for good reason. Avoidants are emotionally unavailable because they don’t put in the emotional time and effort needed to create and sustain deep and meaningful relationships. They don’t want to talk about their feelings or needs, avoid vulnerability, are conflict avoidant and struggle with intimacy and commitment leaving the other person feeling cheated of connection and emotional intimacy.

But anxiously attached also have behaviours that block true connection and true intimacy, and make it hard to form or sustain deep and meaningful relationships. And this is not just because anxiously attached are attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, but because they too are emotional unavailability; even though they don’t see themselves as emotionally unavailable and even though they put emotional time and effort into relationships.

Here are the 7 ways an anxious attachment blocks true connection and true intimacy.

1. You hide emotional vulnerability

You show up in relationships in what Winnicott’s theory describes as, the version of you that learned to keep the peace, avoid rejection, or earn love by adapting.” This self-protective version of you that people pleases, fawns, suppress feelings and needs etc., is hiding emotional vulnerability.

2. You create situations that prevent intimacy

You subconsciously and consciously create situations that prevent emotional intimacy. For example, instead of communicating your needs, you complain, demand, criticize, attack or use accusatory language, give ultimatums etc. These behaviours not only prevent emotional intimacy, they trigger reciprocal emotional unavailability.

3. You impatiently try to fix things

You don’t listen enough and have a hard time seeing things from another’s perspective. Instead you project your fears and insecurities on others and impatiently try to fix things, and even when you yourself don’t have the tools to fix them. This leaves the other person feeling emotionally “alone” because the person they’re closest to doesn’t understand them or know how to support them.

4. You get stuck in the past

You struggle with being present in the moment and miss opportunities to connect because you’re stuck in the past trying to make sense of it, worrying about what isn’t happening, trying to anticipate might happen in the future or distracted by your own fears and insecurities. This makes it hard to connect more deeply and can lead to both of you feeling disconnected from each other.

5. You don’t know how to hold a safe space

You don’t know how to appropriately respond to others’ vulnerability. For example, when someone shows deep emotions or vulnerability, you turn it into a joke, give them advice or “it’s okay” away their feelings and emotions because vulnerability scares you and/or you don’t know how to hold a safe space for others.

6. You take everything personally

And react defensively instead of listening to understand and engaging with what is actually happening. The other person feels like they can’t express their feelings or needs without causing emotional meltdown or starting conflict.

7. You refuse to accept reality

And/or twist reality to meet your narrative of the victim. This makes the other person feel invalidated and not want to engage because they’re afraid that what they say or do will be taken the wrong way, they’ll be made out to be the bad person, and there is nothing they can say or do that’ll make you feel better.

When both attachment styles are emotionaly unavailable

It create a cycle of emotional unavailability. I see this on a daily basis working with anxiously attached tryong to get back with n avoidant.

1. An anxiously attached ex:

• Misinterprets words, actions or intentions
• Lets their emotions get in the way or
• Projects their own fears and insecurities into an otherwise non-threatening and even connecting message.

2. An avoidant ex:

• Reacts to a misrepresentation of their intentions or actions
• Lashes out (if they’re a fearful aavoidant) or
• Distances and pulls away

3. An anxiously attached ex:

• Apologizes but continues to be defensive and even plays the “I was-only-trying-to-love-you” victim.

4. An avoidant ex:

• Stops responding altogether.

3. An anxiously attached ex:

Responds with “I’m going to give you space” or “This is too much for me. I also need space” without acknowledging or the awareness that 1) THEY created a situation that shouldn’t have happened in the first place, and 2) THEY made it impossible for either party to be emotionally vulnerable or even want to connect.

You may not see yourself as emotional unavailable but if:

• You find it uncomfortable or scary to express your true self, true feelings and emotions and true needs, you’re blocking true connection and true intimacy, and/or.
• Are constantly on high self-protection alert and overthinking, misinterpreting, making assumptions, reacting defensively or confrontationally and creating situations that trigger avoidants to distance, you’re blocking true connection and true intimacy.

This is not much different from avoidants who use self-protection strategies to avoid connection and intimacy. The ways emotional unavailability looks like may be different but both hinder true connection and true intimacy, and make it hard to create and sustain a deep and meaningful relationship.

The first step is: Recognizing your own emotional unavailability is the first step to deeper and meaningful connection and intimacy.. Look at your relationship beliefs or beliefs about exes, insecurities, thought patterns and behaviors that may blocking true connection and true intimacy.

The second step is: Learn effective ways of communicating your true feelings, emotions and needs. There are many communication tools out there, the best ones in my opinion are those that:

• Focus on working together to understand each other’s feelings, emotions, needs and intentions, and find ways to make both of you feel seen, heard, and valued
• Emphasize on solutions that meet the needs of both parties.

Any approach that focuses on only meeting your needs or only meeting the needs of avoidant does not lead to a deeper and meaningful connection. If one of either you or your avoidant ex doesn’t feel safe express your true feelings, emotions and needs, the relationship will be unstable.

RELATED:

Anxious Ex’s Delayed Reply: What It Means and What to Do

Anxious Ex + Fearful Avoidant Ex: Over-Communication Trap