Can You Attract Back Your Ex When You’re the Only One Trying?

Trying to get your ex back is hard enough. Trying to get your ex back when you are the only one initiating all the contacts, trying to come up with interesting topics to talk about, asking them out, and sometimes, the only one still in love, is harder.

Is it even possible? The answer is yes.

While it takes two to make a relationship work, it can take just one to change how the relationship works.

How does that even work? It works when one person changes (in a positive direction), so much that the dynamics of the relationship change.

Just like 1+1 =2, but if you add 0.5 to one part of the equation, the result can never be 2 again. It’ll be 1.5+1=2.5.

Same thing. If one person changes but the other person doesn’t, the person who has changed can positively influence the dynamics of the relationship.

For example: If most of your disagreements end in fights and you learn better ways or disagreeing or arguing, it changes the dynamics of how you disagree or argue. You will still disagree or argue with each other which is a normal part of healthy and functional relationships, but the disagreement and argument will not end in a fight. This not only improves the relationship, it also (without you telling them to) helps your ex learn better ways of disagreeing.

But in order for you to be able to change the dynamics of the relationship, three things need to be in place.

1) Love

We all have heard the phrase “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Usually the person saying these words is saying “I still have feelings for you and I care about you, I’m just not motivated/excited about/committed to being in a relationship with you.

What the person saying these words is not saying (at least not aloud) is that, I can be motivated/excited about/made to commit, under the right conditions. In other words that feeling of being IN love can come back.

Your task is to create the right conditions for the feelings of being IN love to come back. The “right” conditions is not about proving to your ex that you have changed, it’s about demonstrating to them that the relationship doesn’t have to work the way it did before (1.5+1=2.5).

That only goes only as far as “feeling in love” is concerned. If the love is completely gone, there is nothing you can do to make the relationship work — however much you want it and however hard you try.

2) Open lines of communication

It doesn’t matter how much love your ex feels for you, if there is NO communication, there is NO relationship. It’s as simple as that.

If there is no communication, there are also no opportunities for you to influence how the relationship works.

“Open” lines of communication means no backdoor tactics or trying to burst your way in. Manipulation and aggressive tactics undermine your efforts to positively change how the relationship works.

To learn more about how to use open lines of communication to change the dynamics of a relationship, please spend more time on my blog.

3) Change

The main reason why many men and women fail to get their ex back is that they say they’ve changed (and sometimes they indeed have changed on a personal level), but they haven’t changed in relation to the other person. A few texts, phone calls or dates, and their ex can see that nothing has changed.

There has to be a process (action), for change to happen. The process can be anything from committing oneself to a self-prescribed personal growth program to working with a professional.

Just like sitting on the couch thinking about how to lose weight doesn’t get the weight off, just sitting and thinking about all the mistakes you made and what needs to change (if your ex takes you back) doesn’t mean you’ve changed.

So YES, you can get back your ex even if you are the only one trying. BUT, you have to be willing to put in the work that positively changes how the relationship works.

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20 Comments

  • Yangki, I could not find where to post my comment but hope you can help me. I got back with my ex three weeks ago but I want out because nothing has changed. I broke up with him and immediately went NC for 3 months. The whole time he kept contacting me and telling me how much he loves me and misses me. When I finally responded, he asked me out and was super attentive and so forth. We got back together and we are fighting about the same things. I still love him but I don’t know if this is what I want.

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    • I hear you. It’s easy to forget all the issues in the relationship when you miss someone or when your ex contacts you and shows interest. But if you haven’t dealt those issues they’ll resurface again.

      I’m sure you’ve already been told that you should just move on, otherwise you wouldn’t be on my blog. So here is my “give love chance” advice.

      Before you end the relationship again, talk to him very openly and honestly about your issues and see if they can be worked on or not. If you find that tings just can’t work, then you walk away knowing you at least tried to make it work.

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  • Yangki, I appreciate your work. Most people assume that it’s always easier for the person who ended the relationship, but nothing could be further from the truth. I broke it off with my ex of 4 years for immature reasons but after 6 months of not being together I’m still hurting and missing her very much. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone the way I love her.

    I’ve repeatedly tried to reach out to her and have apologized over and over for my rush decision. She replies to my texts and calls me back once in a while, but does not want a relationship. I understand that I hurt her deeply and she has every right to be angry. All I’m trying to do at this point is to restore her trust in me again because I took that away from her. I’ve read your every article and bought all your books, and I feel like I really have a chance. I just wish I had come across you before all this happened.

    Thank you for all the work you do.

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  • Hello, this blog is exactly what I’ve been going through I’m the only one really trying but I’m not giving up. Me and my ex girlfriend broke up after 3 years she ended it saying she was happy but not all the time and she loved me but was not in love with me. I thought about no contact but what you said really made sense to me why do no contact I choose to take action not sit around and do nothing.

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  • I feel that if someone is very resentful of the person they say they love, the relationship will never be free or easy, as love should be, IMHO. At the very least I think that these issues should be brought out and talked over, no beating about the bush. If the relationship is meant to be, it should survive an honest discussion about something so fundamental. If it doesn’t or the other person doesn’t want to talk about or deal with it, well…

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    • I agree with what you’re saying — all of it. Except that when in initial contact with an ex who one feels resentment towards, one of the biggest mistakes one can make is bring up issues that caused the break up. Nothing good ever comes out of talking about hot button issues while emotions are still raw. There is also the possibility that an ex has done a lot of self-reflection and done work to change oneself, approaching them from the premise that they are the same person can take things on the negative path very quickly.

      Always best to try to start things from a fresh start — and from a positive note — then work things slowly to where a rational discussion can take place. Sometimes, if both parties have done work on themselves to change and things really go well, such conversations don’t even have to be brought up except in laughing at mistakes of the past.

      Not every issue in a relationship has to be brought up and talked over. It’s good relationship practice to let some things go — especially trivial things. Good practice for life in general.

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