Can sex with an ex get them back into a relationship? Yes, sleeping with an ex can accelerate the process of getting back together into a relationship but sex with an ex can also hurt your chances especially if sex is the only way you’re connecting with your ex..
Here’s the thing, sleeping with an ex can be tempting whether you want them back or not because it’s comfortable and familiar, and the idea that your ex still finds you sexually irresistible is flattering to say the least. The temptation to sleep together is even greater especially if you:
- Had a great sex life while together
- Miss physical intimacy
- Want to re-start the relationship
- Neither of you is seriously seeing someone else
- You had too much to drink and things went too far
- Bumped into each other on a night out and ‘it seemed like a good idea
Sometimes sleeping with an ex is a good idea but sometimes it’s a huge mistake.
Should you be having sex or sleeping with your ex?
As with all matters relating to sex between two consenting adults, my personal opinion is that it’s between two people. It’s not my place to police the sex lives of two single consenting adults, I’m not hung up like that. If you’re old enough to consent to sex, you are old enough to make decisions about your sex life.
As a coach who helps exes get back together, I have worked with many situations where sex helped bring two people closer, and they eventually got back together. This is probably because sex increases oxytocin levels creating a feeling of connectedness and closeness and feeling of connectedness and closeness play a very important role in getting back together. In addition, sex provides the comfort, familiarity and continuity that brings stability to the whole process of getting back together.
But I’ve also worked with many cases where sex got in the way and ruined the chance of getting back together. In many of these cases one person started having expectations the other person didn’t agree with or objected to.
If you’re thinking of having sex with your ex or are sleeping with your ex it’s very important that you are clear about:
1) The reason why your having sex
Is it because you enjoy sex with your ex or are you using sex to get your ex back? If you are not clear about this in your head, you will find yourselves fighting over what having sex means; to you it may mean you are getting close, but to your ex it is just sex, and vice versa.
2) Sleeping other people as well
Many of the fights about sex when trying to get back together are about whether or not both of you will be sleeping with other people as well. If you haven’t had an honest conversation about sleeping with other people or established boundaries, sex with your ex could hurt your chances.
3) How sex plays into your strategy of getting them back
This is important because if you are using sex as a strategy for getting your ex back, and have no other strategy, you may attach more value to sex than it carries. For example, when your ex doesn’t feel like having sex, you see your chances disappearing, and act aggressively or passive aggressively and end up hurting the chances of getting back your ex.
Can sex with an ex get them back into a relationship?
If there was no sex the period leading to the break-up, if there were hurt feelings after the breakup or if there was loss of contact after the breakup, it’s easy to believe that your ex wanting to have sex with you or you sleeping together means you are in the process of getting back together.
Your ex wanting to have sex with you is a sign that they still find you sexually desirable but it’s not an indication that they want you back or even want a relationship with you.
1) Your values and boundaries
If having sex or sleeping with an ex doesn’t sit right with your or goes against your moral values, don’t do it just because you think it’ll increase your chances of getting back together. You may get your ex back but struggle with guilt which will ultimately affect the quality of your relationship. Or you may not get your ex back and you’ll live with the regret of going against your own values or violating your own boundaries.
2) Confusing good sex with emotional connection
Yes, sex increases oxytocin levels creating a feeling of connectedness and closeness but if this is all the connection you have, then it’s just sex. There has to be emotional connection and genuine desire to build a healthier relationship for the feeling of connectedness and closeness from sex to mean something.
Keeping the two separate allows you to pursue the emotional aspect of getting back together without letting sex get in the way. This requires a lot of emotional and sexual maturity on both sides. This is one of the reasons why I can’t emphasize self-inner work enough. Not everybody is emotionally and sexually matured enough to compartmentalize in a healthy way.
3) Untrustworthy Ex
Above I said it’s important that you have a talk with your ex about sleeping with other people. If your ex sleeping with other people doesn’t bother you, then good for you, but if your ex sleeping with you and other people bothers you, taking your ex at their word that they’re not sleeping with other people s a risk especially if you don’t trust your ex.
They can tell you they’re not sleeping with other people but that doesn’t mean they’re not or that they’ll not. They key to sex leading back to a relationship will have to be trust.
4) Not listening to your ex
Many people trying to get back their ex get into their own head and believe what they want to believe even when reality doesn’t support what’s going on. They completely ignore what their ex is telling them because they think the know their ex better than their ex knows themselves.
If you’re regularly sleeping with your ex but your ex repeatedly tells you they don’t want you back, don’t want a relationship with you and/or want you to move on, it’s just about sex for your ex.
5) Sex can’t fix the issues your ex has with the relationship
Ignoring the reasons that the relationship ended, and thinking that sex will make it all okay again is setting oneself up for more disappointment and more heartache, and a total mistake.
6) There are no guarantees
As with all things relationships and getting back with an ex, there is no guarantee that sleeping with an ex will get them back.