Can I Reconnect With Avoidant Ex If I Apologize?

Question: My fearful avoidant ex and I broke up for three and half  months ago. We broke up because I read his text messages and confronted him about a conversation he had with another woman, which turned out to be nothing inappropriate. The damage was already done and he said he could not trust me again. At the time, I was defensive and accused him of cheating, and he broke if off with me.

Everyone told me to do no contact, which was a mistake. I reached out after 3 weeks and he didn’t respond. The only time he responded was when I wished him happy birthday, that was a month ago. He replied, “Thank you. I hope you are well.” I responded but he never responded again. He still views my stories so I think there’s still a connection there. I want to apologize for not trusting him, but wondering if it’s too late to try to reconnect since the apology has come so late? I would like for us to reconnect but I don’t want my apology to be looked at as a desperate attempt to win him over. What should I do?

Yangki’s Answer: It’s never too late to apologize because an apology is not a bargain — something you do in exchange for something. You apologize for your wrong doing and that’s all you get, your own peace of mind, nothing more.

If peace of mind is what you are looking for, then it’s not too late to apologize. Avoidants appreciate someone taking accountability for  their actions, though they themselves don’t do it often. But it’s not so much the apology that they appreciate, it’s also the way you apologize.

Sometimes an apology helps clarify some things because when you fully open up and own to your part in what happened, walls come down and the two of you can move past the event. But sometimes an apology can re-trigger hurt feelings, solidify negative perceptions and create more distance, especially with avoidants.

If the apology is too “emotional” or dripping with guilt, it can backfire because it makes an avoidant feel like they have to comfort you (who hurt them).

Let me explain it differently. An apology is a vulnerable and emotionally intense moment, something avoidants are uncomfortable with. They may interpret it (subconsciously) as a request for closeness, reassurance, comforting or understanding. This can feel like pressure to do something, even just say, “Thank you.”

And because apologies bring intense feelings to the surface, especially like in your case being wrongly accused of cheating, he might get overwhelmed with emotion. To you it’s a step toward healing to him it’s having to relieve that moment again.

Their natural avoidant instinct to intense feelings is to:

1) Minimize the apology to avoid vulnerability with statements like:

• “I haven’t really thought abut that in a long time.”
• “It is what it is.”
• “Does it matter now?”

2) They shift the focus away from themselves to regain emotional control.

• “That’s okay. No need to go back to that.”
• Or change the subject or makes a joke.

3) “Attack” you for apologizing or get angry.

This can be confusing, especially if you’re trying to make things right. Many anxiously attached people go on the defensive or attack back and it get worse from there.

Often times this is not about you apologizing, it’s an avoidant struggling with receiving vulnerability or care – a childhood reaction where care felt unsafe or unreliable.

So if you are going to apologize to an avoidant ex:

• Keep your tone calm and neutral, not too emotional.
• Admit that you were at fault without self guilt-tripping or self-loathing.
• Focuses on how your actions affected them – without telling the you know how they felt (avoidant don’t like people assuming they know how they feel because it intrudes into their sense of independence). If possible, use the same emotion-words they used at the time the incidence happened,
• Don’t ask for anything in return i.e. talk about it or connect, unless you’re in regular contact and already have open lines of communication. If you’re not in contact, even words like “I’ll do better in the future” feel like an invitation to connect or get close because you are implying there is a “future”.

In other words, come approach the apology from a secure or grounded place, not a desperate need for forgiveness, reassurance or connection.

Once you apologize and you sense your ex either isn’t buying the apology or simply wants to move on from the past and not talk about it, don’t keep apologizing or push to talk about it. Over-apologizing is just as bad as not apologizing at all (and even worse) when dealing with an avoidant.

Whether it’s too late t reconnect depends on what your avoidant ex thinks of you and whether he is willing to let go what you did.

Bottom line, we can’t make anyone look at anything the way we want them to. Your avoidant ex will look at the apology the way he wants to look at it. In other words, you have no control over what happens after your apology; what you have control over is your own actions.

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