Can I Get Back Together With My Ex If We Never Had Sex?

Question: Yangki, my ex and I never had sex. We were together for 4 months and we cuddled but we never had sex. She broke up with me because she can’t see a future with us and would rather we stay friends. My ex has had failed relationships before and her ex-husband of 2 years was abusive towards her. She said no one has ever treated her better than I did and maybe she’ll regret not pursuing a relationship with me, but for now she wants to focus on her therapy and addressing her emotional issues. She also said I am kind and funny, but she did not feel the spark with me.

My question is, can I get back together with my ex if we never had sex? I miss her and I love her. Should I try to get her back and see what happens or let her go?

Yangki’s Answer: I work with many clients in similar situations, and I am glad you asked the question. Many people feel embarrassed to say, “My ex and I never had sex”. Unless it has something to do with “religion” or illness, a 4 month relationship without sex is outside of the norm in today’s (adult) dating world.

It’s not completely impossible or necessarily unhealthy to date for that long without sex. And like I said, I have worked with many clients who were together with their ex for months, cuddled and fooled around but never had sex. Some of them were able to get back together with their ex and some were unsuccessful. So to answer your question, “Can I get back together with my ex if we never had sex?” Yes, you can.

This is the hard part. You may have been together for 4 months because you are kind and funny, and because you treated her better than anyone has ever treated her. She may have sincerely hoped that she would feel the sexual spark with you but realized that she probably won’t and let you go.

It’s true that a years-long abusive relationship can have a profound impact on someone emotionally, psychological and sexually. It can create deep-seated associations of fear, shame, or guilt around intimacy, making it difficult to feel safe or present sexually. Survivors of abuse can also struggle with trust, feel disconnected from their own desires, or experience anxiety and hypervigilance around anything related to sex.

So yes, her past may play a role in her not feeling the spark with you. This is something only she can do anything about – and it’s good that she’d doing therapy.

But the lack of a sexual spark could also have to do with you. With many of my clients who never had sex with their ex, the sexual spark never ignites for a variety of reasons. Some were too afraid to express sexual interest, worried that doing so might push their partner ex away or make them uncomfortable.

Others held back because they were sensitive to their ex’s past experiences, not wanting to pressure them or trigger any negative memories.

Many assumed that with enough time, intimacy would develop naturally, only to find that waiting without taking initiative often leads to missed opportunities.

And some clients are simply naturally timid or cautious when it comes to all things sexual, finding it difficult to assert their desires or navigate the vulnerability that sex requires.

In each case, the result isn’t about a lack of attraction or connection — it’s a combination of fear, caution, and unspoken assumptions that can quietly dampen what could have been a shared sexual chemistry.

Bottomline: For some people, chemistry is instant—sparks fly before they even say “hello.” For others, attraction builds slowly and gradually, often growing into a connection that lasts a lifetime.

The fact that she wants to stay friends isn’t a negative—it can actually be a positive. It gives you both time to bond, to truly get to know each other as individuals who care for one another, and to create a sense of safety and trust that can lay the foundation for sexual chemistry and something deeper in the future.

If you are worried about wasting your time, give yourself a timeframe and some milestones to track any progress. If the spark never develops or grows, you can quit knowing you gave yourselves an honest chance.