Question: Yangki, my ex and I never had sex. We were together for 4 months and we cuddled but we never had sex. She broke up with me because she can’t see a future with us and would rather we stay friends. My ex has had failed relationships before and her ex-husband of 2 years was abusive towards her. She said no one has ever treated her better than I did and maybe she’ll regret not pursuing a relationship with me, but for now she wants to focus on her therapy and addressing her emotional issues. She also said I am kind and funny, but she did not feel the spark with me.
My question is, can I get back together with my ex if we never had sex? I miss her and I love her. Should I try to get her back and see what happens or let her go?
Yangki’s Answer: I work with many clients in similar situations, and I am glad you asked the question. Many people feel embarrassed to say, “My ex and I never had sex”. Unless it has something to do with “religion” or illness, a 4 month relationship without sex is outside of the norm in today’s (adult) dating world.
It’s not completely impossible or necessarily unhealthy to date for that long without sex. And like I said, I have worked with many clients who were together with their ex for months, cuddled and fooled around but never had sex. Some of them were able to get back together with their ex and some were unsuccessful. So to answer your question, “Can I get back together with my ex if we never had sex?” Yes, you can.
This is the hard part. You may have been together for 4 months because you are kind and funny, and because you treated her better than anyone has ever treated her. She may have sincerely hoped that she would feel the sexual spark with you but realized that she probably won’t; and let you go.
The lack of a sexual spark could be due to her relationship past or some other issues in her past. And that’s something only she can do anything about.
The lack of a sexual spark could also have to do with you. With many of my clients who never had sex with their ex, sometimes the spark does not go off because of them. Some of them:
- Were too afraid to express sexual interest because they thought it might push their ex away
- Didn’t want to push for sex because of their ex’s past experiences
- Felt that with time, sex would happen naturally
- Are generally timid when it comes to all things related to sex
If the reason you never had sex with your ex has something to do with you; something that you can improve or change, then work on it so you can get back together with your ex.
Some people have great instant chemistry and sparks fly before they even say “hello” to each other; and some people the spark comes on slowly and gradually, and it lasts a life time.
The fact that she wants to stay friends is not a bad thing. It may actually give you time to bond get to know each other as two people who care for each other; and feel safe and secure with each other.
You don’t want to live your life wondering what might have been if you had only tried. If you are worried about wasting your time, give yourself a timeframe and some milestones to track any progress.
If the spark never develops or grows, you can quit knowing you gave yourselves an honest chance.