Can I Get Back My Ex If There Was No Spark And We Didn’t Have Sex?

Question: Yangki, is it a false start or a break-up if you were together 4 months, no sex but only cuddling, she says she can’t be in a relationship because she does not see a future with you and would rather we stay friends? She has had failed relationships before and her ex-husband of 2 years was abusive towards her. She said no one has ever treated her better than I did and maybe she’ll regret not pursuing a relationship with me, but for now she wants to focus on her therapy and addressing her emotional issues. She also said I am kind and funny, but she did not feel the spark with me. Should I try to get her back and see what happens or let her go?

Yangki’s Answer: I will go with bad start although I am not sure if anything ever started at all.

Four months with no sex unless it has something to do with “religion” or illness is outside of the norm in today’s (adult) dating world. But it’s not completely impossible or necessarily unhealthy for date for that long without sex, but her not feeling the “spark” with you even after 4 months of being together is of concern. To me this looks like more of a friendship with cuddling benefits than two people in a romantic relationship.

You may have been together for 4 months because you are kind and funny, and because you treated her better than anyone has ever treated her, and she may have sincerely hoped that she would feel the (sexual) spark with you but realized that she probably won’t, and let you go.

The lack of a sexual spark could be due to her relationship past or some other issues in her past. I know some people who have had ne bad relationship after another and somehow mistake the perpetual state of anxiety for passion or spark because it keeps the on edge and in a state of perpetual arousal.

The lack of a sexual spark could also have to do with you. With many of my clients, sometimes the spark does not go off because they are too afraid to express romantic interest. They fear that it will come across as ‘too forward”, but in holding back, the other person doesn’t find them sexually attractive.

If it’s something to do with you, and something that you can improve or change, then definitely try making it work before you walk away. Some people have great instant chemistry and sparks fly before they even say “hello” to each other, and some people the spark comes on slowly and gradually, and it lasts a life time.

The fact that she wants to stay friends is not a bad thing, it may actually give you time to bond get to know each other as two people who care for each other, never doubt the other and feel safe and secure with each other.

You don’t want to live your life wondering what might have been if you had only tried. If you are worried about wasting your time, give yourself a timeframe and some milestones to track any progress.

If the spark never develops or grows, you can quit knowing you gave yourselves an honest chance.

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