Should I Ask My Ex If She’s Seeing Someone?

Question: I am inspired by your answers. My question is: Can I ask my ex if she is seeing someone else and if she is, what do I do? The last time I tried asking her personal questions it became emotionally heated and the date ended badly. I want to know if it is wise or if there is a good way to ask if she is seeing someone else, interested in another guy or does it not really matter? I mean it does bother me to see she can just move on so easily. I am driving myself nuts thinking about it.

Yangki’s Answer: I understand that it’s driving you nuts. It’d be nice to know that what you had was too special for her to just move on so easily. But here is the thing… the last time you got “too personal” things ended badly (your own words).

Whether she is dating someone else or not, in her mind there is nothing wrong with that 1) you’re not together, so it’s not like she’d cheating on you and 2) since she informed you she’s dating again/going out on dates she feels she’s being honest and open with you.

Of course that’s no comfort for you, but it’s the reality of being broken up. You asking her if she’s seeing someone else or interested in another guy could mean two things 1) you’re jealous (and if that was a problem in the relationship before then it means you have not changed) or 2) you’re putting pressure on her when she’s not ready (and that could cause her to suggest you don’t see/contact each other again – at least not now).

That said, if it bothers you that much, you can ask and if she says she’s dating someone else, make sure you don’t react negatively there and then. This is where problems usually begin; not in the asking, but in the reaction to the answer.

If you can contain your emotions, calmly try to find out more about the relationship. Find out if it’s serious or casual so you can decide (when you are on your own), if you still want try getting back together or not.

My advice would be not to ask, especially if you know that you will not be able to handle the truth. Unless she brings it up, or you find out from reliable sources that there is someone else, I suggest that you keep the focus on the the two of you.

That’s not to say, you completely ignore the possibility of there being someone else. Look out for some usual signs like she’s suddenly taking too long to respond, she doesn’t respond most of the time, her responses are short and emotionally closed off, or she seems distracted etc.

If this is happening consistently, you might want to consider the fact that there is someone else she interested in, or is seeing. How you handle the situation may make all the difference.

See my article: Facts About Rebound Relationships [Will It Last?])

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  1. says: Adrian

    My marriage is probably not going much longer. We have only been married a couple of years , and have no children. My wife wants to separate temporarily and work toward getting back together. I have an query is she seeing someone else?

  2. says: Brit

    Okay I admit I did a little spying and found her profile on a dating website. She told me she didn’t have the energy for a relationship with anyone and yet it looks like she’s looking for someone else.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      You are now officially a ‘bad boy’… (just kidding).

      If she has a profile online, she’s definitely looking. However, that does not necessarily mean she has the energy for a relationship; she could be looking to date casually.

      In my opinion, checking up on someone once, twice or even three times is natural curiosity. More than that… is self-torture. It has nothing to do with the other person anymore. It’s your “issues”.

  3. says: Veronica

    Dear Yangki, have you ever witnessed a situation in which the ex starts opening up and having great interactions, only to have sex with their ex-rebound girlfriend all of a sudden?

  4. says: Francesca

    Yangki, I’m an avid reader of all your posts and have your ebook. I’m hoping that you can give me some guidance with my situation. I maintained contact with my ex altho at first he was distant. Since then things have progressed to where we are talking about working things out. He has even mentioned our future plans and everything seems to be on track. However, I found out recently that his ex before me has been texting him. There seems to be no interest on his part because I read a text where he told her he is working out things with me. Should I be concerned that he is texting her, and should I bring it up?

    1. If he told her he is working out things with you, then there is no reason for concern.

      Sometimes you have to trust people enough to let them sort out there own stuff. Besides, how are you going to explain reading his texts? You might start something that will undo all the progress you’ve made.

  5. says: Cassy

    My ex broke up with me three months ago after 7 years. Up until today things were going really well. We talked about the breakup, how we’ve both changed and how we’re really each other’s best friend. I just found out there is someone knew in the picture. My heart is broken all over. I can’t stop crying. I still love him but don’t know what to do. Any advice? PLEASE.