Should I Ask My Ex If She’s Seeing Someone? (Feeling Insecure)

Question: Should I ask my ex if she is seeing someone else and if she is, what do I do? The last time I asked her directly it became emotionally heated and things ended badly. She said I was insecure and if she is seeing someone else she will not be talking to me. She also said, we’re not together and if she was seeing someone else; it’s none of my business. I want to know if it is wise or if there is a good way to ask if she is seeing someone else, interested in another guy or does it not really matter? It does bother me to see she can just move on so easily. I am driving myself nuts thinking about it.

Yangki’s Answer: Unless something has changed to suggest she is now seeing someone else or interested in another guy I agree with her that your fears are about your insecurity. Your ex said if she was seeing someone else she will not be talking to you, so if she’s talking to you, you should take her word for it.

Unless she brings it up, or you find out from reliable sources that there is someone else, I suggest that you keep the focus and attention on the the two of you.

That said, if it bothers you that much that your ex may be seeing someone else, you can ask her again. Asking directly if she’s seeing someone is always the best way. But make sure that you own you feelings and not come across as being suspicious that she’s lying to you. The last time she said you were insecure, start from there. Something along the lines, “I’m probably being insecure again…”

Whatever she says, make sure you don’t react negatively there and then. This is where problems usually begin – not in the asking, but in the reaction to the answer. Calmly try to find out more about the relationship. Find out if it’s serious or casual so you can decide (when you are on your own), if you still want try getting back together or not.

Based on her response that last time you asked, in her mind there is nothing wrong with that her seeing someone. You’re not together, so it’s not like she’d cheating on you.

Of course that’s no comfort for you, but it’s the reality of being broken up. That’s not to say, you completely ignore the possibility of there being someone else. Look out for some usual signs like she’s emotionally closed off, seems distracted or avoids touch or physical closeness etc.

If this is happening consistently, you might want to consider the fact that there is someone else she interested in, or is seeing. How you handle the situation may make all the difference.


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  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Adrian

    My marriage is probably not going much longer. We have only been married a couple of years , and have no children. My wife wants to separate temporarily and work toward getting back together. I have an query is she seeing someone else?

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Brit

    Okay I admit I did a little spying and found her profile on a dating website. She told me she didn’t have the energy for a relationship with anyone and yet it looks like she’s looking for someone else.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      You are now officially a ‘bad boy’… (just kidding).

      If she has a profile online, she’s definitely looking. However, that does not necessarily mean she has the energy for a relationship; she could be looking to date casually.

      In my opinion, checking up on someone once, twice or even three times is natural curiosity. More than that… is self-torture. It has nothing to do with the other person anymore. It’s your “issues”.

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Veronica

    Dear Yangki, have you ever witnessed a situation in which the ex starts opening up and having great interactions, only to have sex with their ex-rebound girlfriend all of a sudden?

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Francesca

    Yangki, I’m an avid reader of all your posts and have your ebook. I’m hoping that you can give me some guidance with my situation. I maintained contact with my ex altho at first he was distant. Since then things have progressed to where we are talking about working things out. He has even mentioned our future plans and everything seems to be on track. However, I found out recently that his ex before me has been texting him. There seems to be no interest on his part because I read a text where he told her he is working out things with me. Should I be concerned that he is texting her, and should I bring it up?

    1. If he told her he is working out things with you, then there is no reason for concern.

      Sometimes you have to trust people enough to let them sort out there own stuff. Besides, how are you going to explain reading his texts? You might start something that will undo all the progress you’ve made.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Cassy

    My ex broke up with me three months ago after 7 years. Up until today things were going really well. We talked about the breakup, how we’ve both changed and how we’re really each other’s best friend. I just found out there is someone knew in the picture. My heart is broken all over. I can’t stop crying. I still love him but don’t know what to do. Any advice? PLEASE.

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