Will Avoidant Ex Be Sexually Attracted To You Again?

Some avoidant breakups start off as a deactivation – wanting space or to be apart for “sometime” or wanting a break – then in the course of the break, they breakup with you. Sometimes you give them space thinking that after the specified time they asked for, you will have a talk about what’s going on and try to work things out, but then the drop the breakup on you.

Most of the time when this happens, an avoidant has been thinking of ending things for a while, then decided it was time to tell you or to make the breakup official.

Over the years, I’ve found that there are six kinds of avoidants exes who fall into this category.

1) An avoidant who emotionally deactivated but is still sexually attracted to you.
2) An avoidant who sexually deactivated but still is still emotionally attracted to you.
3) An avoidant who deactivated emotionally and sexually.
4) An avoidant who deactivated emotionally because you gave them the ick
5) An avoidant who sexually deactivated because you gave them the ick
6) An avoidant who deactivated emotionally and sexually deactivated after getting the ick.

Of the six types, the most difficult to get back is an avoidant who sexually deactivated and stopped wanting to be sexually intimate with you after getting the ick because when an avoidant gets the ick, the loss of sexual desire is not just “I’m not sexually attracted to you anymore”, it’s “I’m sexually grossed out and repulsed by you”. This is not only hard to hear or accept, but it’s also hard to overcome.

Can avoidant ex be sexually attracted to you again?

Yes, an avoidant ex can be sexually attracted to you again but it’s a lot harder to get back sexual attraction because sexual attraction is mostly chemistry; it’s either there or not there.

But there is a glimmer of hope even with avoidants who are sexually turned off by you, not a lot but something worth exploring if you think the avoidant is worth the effort, time and emotions. In other words, the chances of getting back an avoidant who got the ick, sexually deactivated and then broke up with you are very low. You are up against three negative strikes.

The mistake many anxiously attached make is get upset, frustrated and blame an avoidant’s loss of sexual attraction all on an avoidant’s fear of intimacy. Many of the people who I have worked with who have this mentality feel resentment for all the things they did/do for an avoidant and instead of trying to create new attraction, do things that seem like they’re only interested in getting even and/or making an avoidant ex more afraid of getting close and/or intimacy.

They stop being caring, kind, open, vulnerable, giving, accommodating etc., and become less available, responsive, act aloof, cold and indifferent etc. They forget that what created an avoidant attachment style in the first place was caregivers who were unavailable when needed, distant and unresponsive to an avoidants needs, inconsistent and unreliable in their caregiving, controlling and manipulative with how they loved and cared etc. Doing the very same things that created the avoidant attachment style is reinforcing avoidant tendencies.

An avoidant ex may initially respond positively to being given space, you not being “too much” or overreacting to their avoidant behaviours, but this will not make your ex less avoidant. Atter a few interactions, you’ll find yourself back in the same dynamics where the harder you try to get an avoidant ex to respond, to emotionally connect, or come back, the less attracted they feel and some avoidants even get the ick again.

With an avoidant ex who lost sexual attraction, it’s not going to be like when you first met. When you first met, the sexual attraction was there, you didn’t have to work to create it, but once an avoidant ex has had the ick or lost sexual attraction, you have to put in the work to create new sexual attraction.

1) Figure out why they lost the sexual attraction in the first place

Did you move too fast, do too much, try too hard, complain/protest too much, want commitment too soon or did your love feel transactional with higher expectations than your avoidant ex’s limited emotional bandwidth could manage?

2) Re-introduce what made an avoidant sexually attracted

it was that you were doing that made an avoidant feel safe and sexually attracted to you in the first place, but instead of doing something expecting some kind of “reward”, do them just for the joy of it. If something doesn’t feel good doing or if your avoidant ex reacts negatively to it, don’t do it because that’s trying too hard.

3) Respect your avoidant ex’s boundaries

It doesn’t matter if you think an avoidant’s boundary doesn’t make sense, or if you think they’re just being avoidant (and need to get over it) or if you think what you are doing is what someone who loves another does, if it makes an avoidant feel uncomfortable or intruded upon you are not just doing too much or making them feel disrespected, you are also taking away an avoidant’s sense of safety. This is a trigger of avoidant to sexually deactivate and even feel the ick.

4) Create Motivating conversations and new and exciting experiences

Create fun, positive, motivating conversations and new and exciting experiences that create a flow of good feelings and sexual attraction. It’s a fact that when someone continuously and persistently feels so good around you, it creates deeper emotional attraction which make feelings of sexual attraction and desire much stronger.

This may require you to rethink the “give avoidant lots of space” popular advice because each avoidant and each dynamic is different and the of-fits-all type of advice can do more damage than good. But even more importantly, it’s impossible to create a flow of good feelings and sexual attraction when you barely communicate or see each other.

To create a flow of good feelings and sexual attraction, you need to find a balance between proximity (by text, call or in person) and giving each other space that works for both of you. This is a process on it’s own but something that needs to be done if the relationship has to work long term.

RELATED:

Why Avoidant Ex Is Sexually Turned Off (The Ick Effect)

10 Behaviours That’ll Increase Your Sexual Magnetism

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