Can An Emotionally Aloof Person Change?

Question: May be you can help me. My boyfriend complains that I am emotionally detached and wall him off at times and not let him in. He says that when we’re in public I come across as very unfriendly and unapproachable. I’ve been told by other people that I’m cold and aloof and not caring enough. Obviously there must be some truth there.

But when I try to express my emotions he says I’m too emotional. He says I excessively and constantly dwell on things and won’t let go. I grew up in an environment where people weren’t very emotionally expressive except when angry and can stay angry for a few months and even years. I guess learned to be like that too.

Can an emotionally unavailable and emotionally cold person change? I’m trying to find a way to be more emotionally available and express how I feel calmly and not be emotionally cold. It is something that I would like for myself.

Yangki’s Answer: Yes, an emotionally aloof person can change if he/she wants to, and does what it takes to change.

I’m not going into the “psychology” of why you are the way you are. You may need to see a therapist for that.  But I can give you some effective practices which you can put to work right away.

1. Know and become intimate with your emotional self

You might want to try spending time in quiet meditation or reflection focusing on giving yourself warm love and connecting with the range of emotions inside of you. This may require you to adjust and change your belief system regarding feelings and emotions. If you find this hard to do alone, find a mentor or trusted friend to share your insights with.

2. Spend plenty of time with each other

Spending time “with each other” is more than spending time together — going out on dates, doing hobby activities, watching TV or cuddling etc. Turn off all the “doing” and share openly about how you FEEL about things that are most important to you.

3. Share your deepest dreams and deepest fears

This includes things you’ve never told anyone. Allow him the opportunity to decide now whether he can or can’t love you for who you truly are. If your relationship is to survive long term, you need to trust that your boyfriend will not use the information you share against you in some way.

This takes wisdom to know what information to divulge/aspects of yourself to give to who, when and how.

4. Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable

Most people confuse vulnerability with weakness. In actuality, being vulnerable does not involve the actual experience of harm. True, there is a chance that you’ll be criticized, rejected, taken advantage of or even hurt but you can not be truly loved if you can not open yourself to be loved.

Increased intimacy in both senses of sharing intimate information and of admitting deep emotions goes hand in hand with increased vulnerability. Once you accept that even love can be lost or given up if it creates more pain than happiness, you are more able to share your core desires and deepest parts of yourself without expecting anything in return.

5. Last but not least, don’t rush anything

Emotional health and maturity isn’t easy to achieve. It takes time and it takes some energy. As you practice your new behavior and strengthen your ability to become an emotionally available and emotionally expressive person, the emotional connection will become stronger, and deeper, and will be more likely last.

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33 Comments

  • I am a very cold and self centred person but I am despaired to be nice , tender and to give attention to others. Is it something you are born or I still can change?

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    • Most of the time, it’s something you learn early in life. Cold and self centered kind of becomes your “default” traits. Some people continue it into adulthood because it’s either the only way they know how to or there is some sort of “reward” for them being cold and self centered (why would they want to change?).

      Since it’s something that was learned – whatever can be learned can be unlearned. The only exception – at least from what I read – is if something happened to your brain to cause you not to be able to have/experience certain feelings the way the rest of us do, then you need more than just “unlearning” the behaviour. Other than that, if you really want to change, you CAN CHANGE!

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  • I love my boyfriend of 2 years very much but showing affection doesn’t come to him naturally. He does try, but I can see he’s doing it for me, which is why I love him even more. Is It possible to get him to be more emotionally and physically affectionate because he enjoys it not just doing it to make me happy?

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    • I believe it’s possible and that you can help bring it out of him. Try to be more creative with those things he is already doing while encouraging him to try something new. Because neither of you can predict how he will react to something new, make it a point to ask him how he feels. Reinforce what feels good and eliminate what doesn’t. If you do it gently and lovingly, you may well be able to draw him out of his comfort zone and show him what else he’s missing.

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  • Listen to what the love Doctor is saying about when you demand that a man express MORE feelings. It actually backfires causing him to express LESS to you and shift his focus to someone or something else.

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  • My b/f is a wonderful father and provider but he is also cold and doesn’t have feelings. He does all the romantic stuff but I just feel like he’s doing it to please me but doesnt feel anything for me. I’ve told him so many times that he is a cold person and if he doesn’t change, I’ll leave him and take our daughter with me. He just looks at me and doesn’t say anything or walks out of the room.

    I understand that men are rational and are trained not to feel but this is really getting to me. I adore him as the father of my child, but I can’t be with a man who feels nothing for me. Please help!

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    • You keep telling him he is cold and doesn’t feel anything, and expect him to show his feelings. Not going to happen.

      “Men are rational and trained not to feel” is too much of a generalization. There are irrational men and there are men who are too emotional just as there are rational women and women who don’t readily show/express emotion. It depends on upbringing and the environment one was raised in.

      Some men may not express feelings/emotions as some of us women would like but just because someone doesn’t show feelings/emotion or show it in the way we want doesn’t mean they do not feel. Except of course when we’re talking of a psychopath — and you haven’t said your b/f is one.

      May be if you stopped telling him he is cold, he’ll actually become more comfortable expressing his feelings — his OWN WAY. Only then can he feel the need to “change”. But if you can’t “accept” him just the way he is right now, it’s best to find yourself someone else who expresses himself the way you want.

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