Can A Fearful Avoidant Ex Stop Being Hot And Cold? [Deep Dive]

Can a fearful avoidant ex stop being hot and cold? The short answer is no. The long answer is yes… but there’s a catch, and I’ll explain that at the end of the article.

First, it’s important to define what “hot” and “cold” really means. There’s a lot of misleading information online about this, including confusion about whether it applies to both fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants.

Understanding what “hot” and “cold” really means is key to making sense of a fearful avoidant ex’s behaviour — and to knowing what’s possible in reconnecting or moving forward.

What “hot” and “cold” means from attachment theory perspective

From an attachment perspective, “hot” describes high anxiety and “cold” describes high avoidance.

Hot = High anxiety: Someone high in attachment anxiety craves closeness and reassurance to feel secure in a relationship (e.g. anxiously attached). Safety for high anxiety people comes from feeling connected and close.

Cold = High avoidance: Someone high in attachment avoidance needs plenty of space and distance to feel safe (e.g. dismissive avoidants). Safety for high avoidant people comes from feeling independent and self-reliant.

Hot + Cold = High anxiety + High avoidance: Someone who needs both closeness and distance to feel safe in relationship.

A fearful avoidant, needs a delicate balance — enough closeness to feel connected, but enough distance to feel independent — without either being excessive. This need for both connection/closeness and independence/space is why fearful avoidants are also known as anxious avoidants or disorganized attachment — even if online and on Tiktok they’re mostly referred to just as “avoidants”, which confuses most people. In the original attachment theory literature “avoidant individuals” actually refers to only dismissive avoidants.

What hot and cold looks and feels like from the outside

The back and forth between needing connection/closeness and needing space/independence is what we feel as hot and cold behaviour from a fearful avoidant.

It feels like push-pull for some experiencing this behaviour pattern is:

• “Come close… you’re suffocating me”
• “I love you… I’m not sure how I feel”
• “Come close… I don’t want a relationship”
• “Leave me alone… wait, why are you abandoning me?”
• “Do you miss me?…. Don’t t tell me, I don’t want to know” etc.

The act like they want connection/closeness but when you get too close they freak out because it feels like their losing their independence. But when you give them too much space (to feel independent), they also freak out because it feels like their losing connection/closeness.

This is why the fearful avoidant pattern is so hard navigate. Do you give them connection/closeness? Or do you give them space/independence.

The worst part: Most fearful avoidants don’t know either if they need connection/closeness or need space/independence.

How a fearful avoidant attachment hot and cold develops in childhood

To understand why a fearful avoidant is hot and cold, you must first understand a fearful avoidant’s first experience of love and their complicated fear of getting close.

A fearful avoidant attachment style develops from having a primary caregiver or attachment figure who was:

• Unpredictable and chaotic
• Inconsistent in responding to their feelings and needs (neglect)
• Provided care, attention and affection with threats and manipulation
• Was emotionally abusive and sometimes physically violent
• Loving sometimes and terrifying other times

A child who grows up in this emotional environment learns that:

• People who love you can also hurt you.
• Closeness feels good but it can also be painful.
• Love is unpredictable. It’s better to be careful.
• Trust is fragile. It’s better not to trust anyone.
• Care is not free. You must earn it.
• Relationships are a source of both comfort and anxiety/stress.
• You’re never good enough. No one can love you consistently.
• It’s okay to lie to avoid a negative outcome or punishment.
• People reject you when they see your flaws. It’s safer to wear a mask.

A fearful avoidant attachment style can also develop later in life as a result of a series of bad or toxic romantic relationships or some other trauma e.g. rape or sexual violence by someone close.

Some fearful avoidant are more “hot” than cold, and others are more “cold” than hot

Fearful avoidant who are more “hot” than cold are described as “lean anxious” because their anxiety and desire for closeness slightly outweigh their avoidance or need for independence, so they tend to seek connection more often than they keep distance.

Fearful avoidant who are more “cold” than hot are described as “lean avoidant” because their need for distance and independence slightly outweighs their desire for closeness, so they tend to be more distance and withdraw more often than they reach out or stay connected.

Most fearful avoidants are “hot” in the beginning of a relationship

Unlike dismissive avoidants, who from the very beginning of the relationship are reserved, distant, and even cold — almost like they’re not interested — and remain consistently the same throughout the relationship, when you first start dating a fearful avoidant, they are openly interested, sometimes even more into you than you are into them. They can be intense and may shower you with attention, affection, and enthusiasm — but the sudden pullback later can feel confusing or even like love bombing.

Some fearful avoidants may play hard to get mind games, but you can tell that they’re interested, just somewhat afraid. But once you are in a relationship or get close, you begin to see their cold and avoidant side more and more. But they’re not consistently avoidant either. They get close then pull away and then want to get close again.

Hot and cold pattern results in frequent short-term break-ups

The hot-and-cold pattern varies from one fearful avoidant to another.

In some, it’s extremely intense — frequent getting close and pulling away (pull-push) leading to frequent short-term breakups —sometimes just a few hours or days of separation before they reach out or come back, only to break up again shortly after.

In others, the cycle is milder — a few days of closeness and warmth, followed by a few days of distance, and then the pattern repeats. In the mild pattern, breakups are usually shorter and less dramatic — often feeling like temporary distancing rather than a breakup. They pull away for a few days then reconnect without major conflict, creating a repeated cycle of mild separation and reunion rather than the intense, frequent breakups seen in the more extreme pattern.

For others the pattern isn’t as obvious — the hot and cold (push-pull) isn’t as obvious instead, their behaviour is consistently conflicted, sending mixed signals that make it seem like they don’t know what they want.

Regardless of the intensity, the fearful avoidant hot and cold or push-pull pattern reflects the underlying struggle between their desire for connection/closeness and need for space/independence.

Can a fearful avoidant ex stop being hot and cold?

This is the interesting part because it’s not as simple as yes or no.

No — without self-awareness or willingness to change

A fearful avoidant ex will not stop being hot and cold if they aren’t aware of their behaviour or don’t want to change it. If they don’t understand why they pull you close and push you away, the cycle will continue. You may have to ride the hot-and-cold wave if you want to stay or want them back. And if you can’t, it’s okay to walk away.

No — if their partner triggers their fears

A fearful avoidant ex will not stop being hot and cold if they’re with someone who triggers their fears. Someone with an anxious attachment will trigger their fear of closeness, a dismissive avoidant will trigger fear of space or abandonment. A fellow fearful avoidant will trigger both depending on of they lean anxious or lean avoidant.

Yes — if they are self-aware and committed to change

A fearful avoidant can stop the cycle if they are self-aware enough to notice their patters and instincts to get close, freak out, run, return and repeat the cycle — and consciously act differently. Awareness and effort can override the natural push-pull.

Yes — if they have a stabilizing partner

Finally, a fearful avoidant ex can stop being hot and cold if they’re with someone who helps stabilize both sides of their attachment: reducing fear of abandonment and fear of closeness. Over time, the pattern hot and cold pattern will fade and even completely disappear.

When you understand that a fearful avoidant’s hot and cold pattern goes much deeper:

• You start to see that they’re not intentionally trying to hurt you.
• You understand that because of their past attachment trauma, fearful avoidants are inherently suspicious, doubting and questioning those who show them love and affection.
• But more importantly, you understand that in order for a fearful avoidant ex to act less hot and cold, they need the stability and safety they never had.

They need to be with somebody who:

• They can trust to be there for them in a safe and none threatening manner
• Is consistent in responding to both their need for closeness and need for space
• Is caring and affectionate and does not try to manipulate them
• Provides care, attention and affection with threats and manipulation
• Is consistently loving and reassuring

This is not easy when you have not dealt with your own childhood attachment trauma.

Working towards secure attachment is particularly important because fearful avoidants are fearful avoidants because they have never known what it’s like to want love, connection and closeness and not be afraid of it. A secure partner can provide a safe and secure environment for a fearful avoidant to explore being close without self sabotaging; and to gradually over time stop self sabotaging; and for trust of your love for them.

RELATED:

Reconnecting With A Fearful Avoidant Acting Hot And Cold

Do You Feel Like Your Fearful Avoidant Ex Is Testing You?

How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – A Detailed Analysis