Sometimes people just drift apart for what looks like no apparent reason. Other times there were just too many fights, secrets, and sometimes actual dishonesty. Unspoken conflicts may eventually destroy a relationship.
If you’re not sure what caused the break-up, you can’t help but keep dwelling on it. People will tell you “Learn from it and get over it” but it’s not as easy as it seems because you feel empty inside. You feel you can’t learn from your mistakes because you don’t even know what those mistakes are.
It sucks, but the reality is that your ex has the right to end a relationship they don’t want to be in anymore. It even sucks more that your ex doesn’t owe you an explanation for why they broke up with you. It would nice t have answers but that’s up to your ex.
If you are the type of person who needs closure, contact your ex and explain to them that you are having trouble understanding what caused them to leave.
Understand that the closure conversation is not to get your ex to admit that they hurt you, make them see the damage they did or even get them to acknowledge that they loved you or that there were some good things about the relationship.
A closure conversation is for you to accept the end of a relationship and experience a good, good bye.
A healthy closure conversation accepts that right or wrong the break-up happened and now it’s time for both of you to peacefully move on. If handled properly, a closure conversation can actually end up being a cathartic, fun and happy experience of sharing good memories and jokes.
Sometimes though, contacting an ex for closure can end up making you feel worse than the break-up. Your ex’s reasons for the break-up may be something you don’t want to hear, don’t believe or have a hard time accepting.
Instead of closure you find yourselves arguing about why the reasons couldn’t be true, trying to make the other take blame and saying things about the other that are hurtful.
In some cases, your ex may not know exactly why they ended the relationship and your find that the closure conversation raises more questions than it answers.
Attachment styles and closure
Your and your ex’s attachment style plays a significant role in how both of you handle the end of a relationship and finding closure.
Closure is more important to someone with attachment anxiety who studies show to have a harder time dealing with the end of a relationship and moving on.
Someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style studies show tends to idealize their ex and harbour anger towards them at the same time. This may cause them to seek or want closure but dread or avoid the actual conversation. They may also become defensive and argumentative during a closure conversation.
Someone with a dismissive attachment style may see closure as a waste of time and even unhealthy. Studies are divided as to why this is so. Some studies suggest that this is a part of an avoidant (defense) strategy and not proof of a real detachment from an ex, and others suggest that this is because on a behavioral level, dismissive avoidants tend to have fewer difficulties with the end of a relationship.
Seeking closure from your ex can go either way
In my experience, if you did not have good communication while you were together, it’s probably not a good idea to contact your ex for closure. Your communication isn’t going to improve because you broke up, it may actually be worse because you are not in a relationship and trying to make things work.
In this case it’s best to accept that you may never know why the relationship ended, and if you know, you may never get the kind of closure you feel you need.
Find ways to give yourself the closure you are looking for and make a conscious effort to heal and move on. If you have a good support system, lean on them for healing and closure.