They are not taking a break from their ex, they are taking a break from trying to get back together, so what kind of advice are they looking for?
They have read in my articles and others about the way different ways different attachment styles respond to distance:
Fearful-avoidants will want to reach out but the fear of not getting a response stops them.
If they want to keep the lines of communication open they’ll have to reach out first and also keep the lines of communication open.
Dismissive-avoidants think reaching out first is a sign of weakness because it means they want contact and/or connection.
They don’t want to send the message that they are giving up on trying to getting back together and moving on.
They are looking for advice on how to tell their ex that they still want to get back together, but they are dialing back and slowing down because they can’t keep going at the same speed and/or putting in the same amount of energy into trying to get back together.
If you are here reading this right now and feeling like this advice was written with you in mind, I am saying to you:
- It’s normal to feel emotionally exhausted, mentally tired and physically worn out from trying to get back with your ex. Relationship fatigue or ex fatigue is real.
- It’s okay to take a break from actively trying to get back together and take care of you. The keyword here is “actively”. It doesn’t mean that your ex does not love you or that you have failed to attract back your ex.
- It’s wise to keep the lines of communication open. If your self-awareness is leading you towards wanting to become more emotionally secure, “cutting off all contact” is repeating your insecure attachment style’s pattern of distancing when you should be getting closer.
- It’s absolutely necessary that you redirect the time and energy you’ve been putting towards attracting back your ex to making yourself more attractive (including becoming less needy, more comfortable with uncertainty, improving your relationship skills set and/or experience).
How will you know that you are ready to actively try to get back your ex?
You feel more securely attached. You may not be all the way there but you:
- Are less conflicted about whether or not to keep trying and feel more motivated to get back together
- Are more realistically optimistic about your chances based on the progress you are making
- Feel less stress and/or less frustrated when things don’t go as you expect
- Have a more positive view of your ex as having good intentions and trustworthy
- Have a more positive view of yourself ex as worthy of love and deserving of a health relationship
How long the break from trying to actively get back together will take will depend on how long it takes you to feel emotionally stronger, mentally prepared and physically rejuvenated to get back there and try again. For some people it takes a few days, others a few weeks and others a few months.
The sooner you start taking care of you the sooner you can try again.