One puts all the responsibility for the failed attempt at getting back together on their ex and the other is looking inside, taking inventory of their own emotional resources and acknowledging that they don’t have the necessary skills and emotional resilience that the process requires.
Some feel that they haven’t really changed much or aren’t anymore emotionally secure than they were in the relationship. They are still just as needy, anxious, fearful, jealous, manipulative, impatient etc (if not more now than they were in the relationship) and it’s making trying to attract back an ex more difficult.
They can feel that things are not over-over with their ex and believe that they have a chance to attract back their ex but their default attachment style, personal flaws, limited relationship experience, insufficient relationship skills and inability to handle uncertainty keeps getting in their own way.
They are not taking a break from their ex, they are taking a break from trying to get back together, so what kind of advice are they looking for?
They have read in my articles and others about the way different ways different attachment styles respond to distance:
Fearful-avoidants will want to reach out but the fear of not getting a response stops them.
If they want to keep the lines of communication open they’ll have to reach out first and also keep the lines of communication open.
Dismissive-avoidants think reaching out first is a sign of weakness because it means they want contact and/or connection.
They don’t want to send the message that they are giving up on trying to getting back together and moving on.
They are looking for advice on how to tell their ex that they still want to get back together, but they are dialing back and slowing down because they can’t keep going at the same speed and/or putting in the same amount of energy into trying to get back together.
If you are here reading this right now and feeling like this advice was written with you in mind:
1. It’s normal to feel emotionally exhausted, mentally tired and physically worn out from trying to get back with your ex. Relationship fatigue or ex fatigue is real.
2. It’s okay to take a break from actively trying to get back together and take care of you. The keyword here is “actively”. It doesn’t mean that you should stop trying to get back together, it means that it’s okay to step back and only reach out to keep the lines of likes open.
3. It’s wise to keep the lines of communication open. If your self-awareness is leading you towards wanting to become more emotionally secure, “cutting off all contact” is repeating your insecure attachment style’s pattern of distancing when you should be getting closer.
4. It’s absolutely necessary that you redirect the time and energy you’ve been putting towards attracting back your ex to making yourself more attractive (including becoming less needy, more comfortable with uncertainty, improving your relationship skills set and/or experience).