How To Tell Friends And Family You’re Back With An Avoidant

What is the best time to tell friends and family that you’re getting back together or got back with an avoidant ex? Probably never.

There’s a very high chance that most of your family and friends may not approve of you getting back together with someone you told them so many negative things about. But whether or not to go official with news that you getting back together with an avoidant should be the least of your concerns. If your family and friends see that you are happy, most of them will come around. The real concern is:

1) The timing of when you tell your friends and gamily you are back together and

2) How your avoidant ex react to your telling everyone you are back together.

Fearful avoidants are the least reliable when thinking of going official with the news about becoming a couple again, and dismissive avoidants are the worst at conversations about getting back together. They let you talk and say nothing or nod like they’re in agreement, then turn around and say they didn’t say anything about getting back together or commit to a specific time frame. You can’t really argue with that because you can’t quote what they said. It may have been implied but it’s just that, implied or suggested. Because of this dismissive avoidant “avoiding” direct conversations about being a couple again, I tell my clients to get a verbal confirmation e.g. “we’re officially back together” so when a dismissive avoidant says they didn’t commit to anything, you can say, “You said, and I quote, “we’re officially back together”.

If a dismissive avoidant is against a verbal confirmation or comes up with some vague reason as to why they can’t say for example, “official” or “a couple” or some other reassurance that you ask for, it’s safe to assume you are not back together even if it looks like you are. You need them to say, “yes, we are back together”, to feel safe telling friends and family that you are back with your ex.

It’s even more complicated with a fearful avoidant ex because fearful avoidants may initially come on very strong, be very confident it’s what they want and even love bomb you, then start second guessing their decision, finding reason not to get back together and suddenly pull a Houdini.

A fearful avoidant can even make it seem like you were the one pressuring them to get back together when all along they were the ones talking about getting back together or a future together. For example, a fearful avoidant ex can make plans for the two you to travel together, have you meet their friends and family (again), and act around friends and family like they’re so in love and can’t let you out of their sight or keep their hands off you, then a few days later, it’s like all of that never happened or “I still have doubts, you know” or “I’m ready to be in a relationship!”

Wait at least 2 – 4 weeks after you are back together to tell friends and family that you are back together with an ex, especially if you are dealing with an avoidant who can at any point pull back, deactivate or change their mind about getting back together. You don’t want to be the fool that got fooled twice.

Wait longer than 2 weeks, with family and friends who disapprove of your ex. It’s best to tell friends and family who approve of your ex and are supportive of you getting back together first, before telling those friends and family who disapprove of your ex, don’t trust your ex, still hold resentment for the breakup or are against the two of you getting back together. This way, friends and family who are approve of your ex and are supportive of the two of you getting back together can be your allies or a shoulder to cry on when the people who disapprove of your ex or are against the two of you getting back together give you a hard time.

Also before you go official, make sure you have addressed why the relationship didn’t work and what will make it work this time around. The reason I strongly suggest this conversation before going official about getting back together is because things may look good and going in the right direction, but when you get back together without a heart-to-heart conversation about how you go forward as a couple, you start having the same old arguments and disagreements and an avoidant concludes that nothing has changed and getting back together was a mistake.

With a fearful avoidant ex, you may not even get to “we’re back together”. Both anxiously attached and fearful avoidants have this thing with having emotionally charged conversations without the safety and tools for having such conversations. It’s like “my feelings” are hurt, and you have to hear me out whether you are ready to or not, and whether you are capable of proving me validation, reassurance and safety or not. One thing leads to another, and before they know it, “It’s best if we go our separate ways” or “I need space”. Then when they’ve self-regulated and are much calmer, they want to do it all over again – without the safety and tools for having such conversations. Talk about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

So before you go official and tell friends and family that you are back together, make sure you have had, preferable several conversations about how you move forward into the future as a couple, and an avoidant is fully on board.

Make a fool of you once, shame on them. Make a fool you twice, shame on you!

RELATED:

Why Avoidant Exes Worry About Your Friends And Family

12 Signs Your Ex Is Breadcrumbing You Vs. Taking It Slow

What’s The Window Of Time To Get Back A Fearful Avoidant?

How Long It Takes Dismissive Avoidants To Come Back