3 Ways Being Friends With Your Ex Leads To Getting Back Together

being-friends-with-your-ex-get-back-togetherDon’t be friends with your ex, there is no such a thing as friends with an ex, you can’t move on when you are still talking to your ex, etc. That’s what almost everyone says. And you have probably told your ex “we can’t be friends” because you think that being friends with your ex will ruin your chances of getting back together.

There is truth to all the above statements.

  • Some people are just too toxic together, even as friends.
  • Some people struggle with transitioning from a romantic relationship to a platonic one
  • If you don’t know what you are doing, being friends can hurt your chances of getting your ex back.

That said, being friends with an ex is actually more common and more expected than most people who have never had an amicable break-up realize. Being friends with an ex also significantly increases your chances of getting your ex back.

I’ll back up a little. I don’t advice telling your ex “let’s be friends” if you want your ex back. Huge mistake. Your ex might believe that friendship is all you want, and feel deceived/manipulated if later on you say you want to get back together.

BUT… this is very important. If your ex says he/she wants the two of you to be friends, or that friendship is all he/she can offer you at the moment, DO NOT turn down the offer because you are scared that being friends will hurt your chances.

Accept your ex’s offer to be friends and make the best of it. You’ve been offered a window of opportunity, that if used well, may very well turn out to be the “probation period” you need — before you are hired for the job!

How is being friends with your ex an advantage?

  1. Being friends means that you can text your ex, call and hang out within a safe emotional environment. The more you are in your ex’s everyday life (and thoughts), the better your chances.
  2. Being friends also gives you the opportunity to showcase the changes you’ve made; something that’s impossible to do if you are not in regular contact via text, email, phone calls or in person.
  3. Being friends gives your the opportunity to test-drive the new relationship without risking too much. Because there is no pressure to be anything other than two people enjoying spending time together, the “new” relationship has time to grow and feel comfortable for both of you.

Make sure you communicate to your ex, in words and actions, that you still have romantic feelings for him/her, but are hoping that being friends gives you the opportunity to see if getting back together at some point is a possibility.

If possible define in very clear terms what your expectations are, and ask your ex if he/she is okay with it. Encourage him/her to express his/her boundaries and what he/she is comfortable with in terms of contact, space, time spent together, seeing other people, intimacy etc.

More on making the best of being friends as a start of the new relationship can be found in my book: Dating Your Ex.

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56 Comments

  • I was afraid to take the offer of friendship when my ex offered but after reading your dating ex book I accepted it. We started from him replying to my texts once in a while to a point where we talk daily and he is initiating most of it. You said in your book to push the boundaries so that I am not locked in the ‘just friends’ box? Do you think if I ask him out to a movie that would be a bit too much?

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    • No. It’d not be too much. You’ve built enough momentum to take it to the next stage. I can say with almost 100% certainty that he’ll say, ‘yes”. Go for it!!!!

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  • My ex wants us to remain friends and I find it disturbing that I should not be able to understand it. My brother and his ex consider each other friends and I know they genuinely care for each other as friends but I can’t seem to get to that point with my ex. Please help?

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    • This could be because you still want her as your girlfriend and not as a friend. Until you reach that point where you “let go” hoping there will be a relationship of more than friends, it’ll be hard to get to being friends. Best advice is 1) be honest with your ex, friendship may be possible in the future, but right now you just can’t do it and 2) don’t try too hard to be her friend. Friendships are best when they just happen naturally.

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  • Yangki, I m in contact with my ex and have been using your advice, the blog and book but would like to book a phone session with you. I live in Sydney, Australia and only have a mobile phone. Is there a way we can set up a session, skype or snapchat?

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    • My phone packages include mobile phones. I can call your mobile phone anywhere in Australia.

      Scroll to the very bottom of the page to the box that says “book a session”, click it and you’ll be taken to a page which has packages by region. Click Australia…

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  • Yangki, I wanted to ask my question in the post on the 10 signs your ex is interested but they comment are closed. How may of the 10 signs you listed have to be present to show interest? We went from him not wanting contact to him showing 6 of them. I am using both your book and blog, so thank you.

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    • First of all, I am happy for you… 🙂

      Obviously some signs indicate stronger/lasing interest than others, overall… if the signs present are more than those that are not, there is more interest than there isn’t… if that makes sense.

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  • Yangki, we are currently talking to each other but as friends. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now and is okay if I date other people. He says it’ll hurt him if I’m with someone else but he can’t give me what I want. I told him I don’t want to date someone else and he is what I want. Is it over and should I date other people or try to get him back?

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    • I don’t know if is over, or not. There must be a reason why he feels he can’t give you what you want. As long as he still feels that way, it’ll be very had for him to want to try the relationship again. So whatever that is (personal to him or has to do with you), it needs to be resolved before anything more than ‘friends’ can happen.

      As for dating other people, it depends. It works for some people, it doesn’t for others. In my opinion, if you are not ready to date other people, there is no reason to force yourself to just because your ex says it’s okay. That a decision only YOU should make.

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