3 Ways Being Friends With Your Ex Leads To Getting Back Together

Being friends with your ex can lead to getting back together; and many exes who followed these steps got back with their ex.

Don’t be friends with your ex, there is no such a thing as friends with an ex, you can’t move on when you are still talking to your ex, etc. That’s what almost everyone says. And you have probably told your ex “we can’t be friends” because you think that being friends with your ex will ruin your chances of getting back together.

There is truth to all the above statements.

  1. Some people are just too toxic together, even as friends.
  2. Some people struggle with transitioning from a romantic relationship to being friends.
  3. If you don’t know what you are doing, being friends with your ex can hurt your chances of getting your ex back.

It makes a huge difference who who initiates being friends

That said, being friends with an ex is actually more common and more expected than most people realize. And if you want your ex back, sometimes being friends is your only option.

I’ll back up a little. I don’t advice telling your ex “let’s be friends” if you want your ex back. Huge mistake. Your ex might believe that friendship is all you want, and feel deceived/manipulated if later on you say you want to get back together.

BUT… this is very important. If your ex says they want to be friends, or that friendship is all they can offer you at the moment, DO NOT turn down the offer because you are scared that being friends will hurt your chances.

If you do “being friends” with your ex right, it can lead to getting your ex back. Many exes have found themselves back together because they followed these steps; and got back together with their ex.

STEP 1: Accept your ex’s offer to be friends and make the best of it

You’ve been offered a window of opportunity, take it. If the word “friends” bothers you so much, change the way you think about it. Think of it as the “probation period” before you are hired for the job.

Your ex thinks you qualify for the job but they want to try you out first. You know you qualify for the job, but okay…

STEP 2: Make clear to your ex you want more than friendship

Make sure you communicate in your ‘break-up acceptance’ text or email that still have feelings for them. You want to make it clear from the start that ‘being friends” with your ex is not the end goal. While a friendship is something you value, your hope is that being friends with your ex leads to getting back together at some point. This is really important because your ‘break-up acceptance’ text or email, if worded well can be the difference between things rapidly moving forward; and the two of you going your separate ways.

STEP 3: Agree on what “being friends” with your ex means

If possible define in very clear terms what being ‘friends’ means to both of you (what to expect and not expect from each other) and ask your ex to communicate their boundaries and what they’re comfortable with in terms of contact, space, time spent together, seeing other people, intimacy etc.

The “what does being friends” conversation doesn’t have to happen at once. Some exes may not even know exactly what they are offering by being friends. They said “let’s be friends” because it sounded emotionally mature. You may find that the boundaries of “being friends” form as you interact; and they tell you what is okay to say or do, and what is not.

How does being friends with your ex can lead to getting back together?

1. Being friends means that you can text your ex, call and hang out within a safe emotional environment.

This is something you can not do it if you take the stand that you cannot be friends; and your ex takes the stand that they don’t want to get back together. The more you are in your ex’s everyday life (and thoughts), the better your chances.

2. Being friends also gives you the opportunity to showcase the changes you’ve made.

You made all these changes but your ex doesn’t get to see them (may be ever); if you are not in regular contact via text, email, phone calls or in person. But when you are “friends”, you have many opportunities to prove that you have indeed changed.

3. Being friends gives you the opportunity to test-drive the new relationship without risking too much.

It’s hard for many exes to go from broken up to back together again because they don’t want to take the risk of finding out that things can’t work out.  Being friends with your ex is like the bridge between the old relationship and the new relationship. Because there is no pressure to be anything other than two people who like and enjoy each other, the “new” relationship has time to grow and feel comfortable for both of you.

As the saying goes: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  It’s better to work with the opportunity you have than to risk losing everything trying to get something more, or because you are too scared of being friends with an ex.

RELATED:

Friendzoned By An Avoidant Ex Or Starting As Friends First?

What Makes A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Miss You And Come Back?

How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – Explained In Detail

Make Your Ex Realize What They Lost Breaking Up With You

QUICK TIP: Staying Friends With Your Ex – Likely Scenarios

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64 Comments

  1. says: Rob

    I’d be happy to be friends with my ex and hope we can return to the way we used to BE, but she says she has no feelings for me. She says we tried the relationship so many times and there’s no point in being friends if we’re not getting back together. Part of me really doesn’t want to let go. I miss her so much.

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Sometimes you have to let things go, but that doesn’t mean you should give up as well. Love has a way of surprising us, even us love coaches.

  2. says: Daldit

    Here is a success story after beings friends with my ex for 15 months. We were together for 4 years, she broke up with me because it felt like I loved her more than she loved me. She wanted to be friends and I was reluctant at first but 2 days later texted that we would be friends but hope we could be together someday. She said if it was meant to be it would be. 4.2 months post breakup, she was in a relationship, 6.5 moths I met a woman I was serious about but found out she lied about her age. I ended the relationship after only 3 months in. Me and my ex continued to text 2 – 4 times a week. We met for lunch 3 times and had drinks once. Her new guy put a stop to us meeting but we continued texting. 2 months ago she ended it with him because he was too controlling. We started seeing each other more and eventually we got back together. Overall, it is going very well, a huge improvement over how things had been.

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Congratulations on getting back together.

      Being friends or friend-ly with an ex you want back is not easy, but it is the only way to bridge the gap between broken up and back together, and to test drive the new relationship without risking too much.

      Thank you for sharing your story, I hope other take inspiration from your success.

  3. says: Anna

    I told my ex I wanted no contact and he wasn’t happy and couldn’t understand why we can’t keep in touch as friends. I told him if we can’t be together, there is no point in keeping contact. After reading this and the comments, I think I made a mistake pushing for no contact. I know he still cares about me, and I still love him.

  4. says: Priya

    I broke up with my guy because of my overthinking that caused problem. We were best friends and after we broke up, we still are but he don’t want to go back into that relationship. Do I still have a chance if I work on myself on a future date?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Yes. Working on yourself is the only thing that gives you a better chance of getting back together. It doesn’t guarantee your ex will come back, but it gives you a 30 – 40% advantage. The rest depends on why you broke up, if your ex still has feelings for you, what else is going on in your ex’s life, if there is someone else etc.

      30 – 40% advantage is a pretty good place to start from. See video.

  5. says: Jay

    My ex is telling me we need to work on our friendship and communication. He wants to make sure everything stays like that before moving forward. He saying my actions have to prove him wrong. Also, he talks to someone else. Should i be worried or concerned? We are not forcing or rushing in a relationship.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      There is always a worry if your ex is ‘interested’ in someone else. It ‘complicates’ things but it does’t mean you don’t have a chance. Many articles here on the subject.

  6. says: Ian

    She has still suggested we meet next week while I’m in her city, which I’m up for, but I’m unsure where to go with the physical contact. On the one hand, I don’t want to push things but on the other, I feel like without kissing, I’m heading towards a permanent ‘friendzone’, which is where I definitely don’t want to be!

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      That’s a very legitimate concern that’s handled in Dating Your Ex
      1) how not to get locked in the “just friends” zone (page 300 )
      2) physical contact when trying to get back together (page 308)

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      There is such a thing. It’s very possible and it happens more often than most people realize.

      That said, I do admit that it’s quite rare in today’s relationship environment for exes to part ways with little or no animosity. My personal opinion is that too many people become “romantic lovers” without necessarily cultivating “friendship”, and when the romance dies there is nothing else left but hurt feelings, anger and resentment.

      People with good relationship skills cultivate and nurture both romance and friendship. Friendship helps them weather the rough patches, navigate hurt emotions, and maintain an emotional connection long after the romance dies out. That ‘friendship’ usually provides a foundation for a new romantic relationship. That’s why people who remain “friends” with their ex end up getting back together more often than people who simply can’t remain friends with their ex.

      1. says: Nancie

        I love that this site is not about no contact. It’s so refreshing to read advice that does not say cut off contact. My ex and I are best friends and it seemed so wrong not to have him in my life. With your advice we are getting close again. We spent last weekend together, cuddling and kissing but no sex. He says he still loves me but wants both of us to change and not fight so much anymore. I am working on me not for him but because I was to be better for myself. Thank you for what you are doing, Yangki. God bless you.

        1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

          You are on the right path. If you can stop the fighting completely, your relationship will grow and flourish.

          Thank you for your kind words, and God bless you too!

  7. says: Syiana

    I was afraid to take the offer of friendship when my ex offered but after reading your dating ex book I accepted it. We started from him replying to my texts once in a while to a point where we talk daily and he is initiating most of it. You said in your book to push the boundaries so that I am not locked in the ‘just friends’ box? Do you think if I ask him out to a movie that would be a bit too much?

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      No. It’d not be too much. You’ve built enough momentum to take it to the next stage. I can say with almost 100% certainty that he’ll say, ‘yes”. Go for it!!!!

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