Is there a friends-to-lovers pathway that leads to getting an ex back into a relationship? Yes, there is. But you wouldn’t know that with the many “don’t be friends with an ex if you want them back” articles and videos. Of course if you go no contact an ex who may be leaving the door to getting back together later on, they’re not going to want to be friends or want to follow through on being friends. Can you blame them?
Friends-to-lovers pathway is actually more common that most people are willing to accept
Ask couples who’ve been together for 20 or more years how they made it work, and they’ll tell you “We are each other’s best friend”. Ask couples who got back together after breaking up several times and managed to stay together how they weathered the ups and down of trying to get back together and they’ll tell you, “We had a really strong friendship, and knew that if the relationship didn’t work, we’d still had each other”.
This is true today as it was 100 years ago. In fact a study published on July, 2021 in the journal Social Psychological found that 66% of couples in long-term relationships across ages and ethnic groups began as friendships, yet a friends-to-lovers pathway has largely been overlooked by relationships researchers in favour of “dominant dating scripts in our culture.”
“These findings should prompt people to rethink their preconceived notions about relationships,” said Danu Stinson, lead author of the study on friends-first relationship initiation, and associate professor of psychology at the University of Victoria in British Columbia. “I think if you really believe in that dating script, then it’s hard to imagine another situation” where you become closer as friends then become romantic partners, she added.
Beings friends actually works better with an avoidant ex
Beings friends with ex with the expectation that it will lead to getting back together is not an unrealistic or an attainable goal. Beings friends actually works better with an avoidant ex as I explained in my article How Does Being Friends Help Get an Avoidant Ex Back? and may be your only option if things moved too fast and ended so abruptly and you still really enjoy getting to know your avoidant ex. Being friends will give you an opportunity to take things slow and continue to build a stronger connection and solid foundation while enjoying the warmth and care a friendship.
Another situation where being friends with an ex works can really well is if the relationship ended because an avoidant was overwhelmed by factors outside of the relationship and felt that they didn’t get the support and encouragement they expected in a relationship. Being friends gives you the opportunity to show that you are capable of listening, being present and providing support without an agenda.
How to execute a friends-to-lovers strategy that leads to getting back together
I am not going to lie, being friends with an ex you want back is not easy. If done right, a friends-to-lovers pathway gives you a strong start and puts you steps ahead of exes who are not friends with their exes. But beings friends with an ex you want back when you’re not in an emotionally good place may set you back in your emotional healing. Even if you are in a good emotional place, if you have negative beliefs about being friends with an ex, you will struggle with making a friends-to-lovers pathway work for you.
So you have to be really honest with yourself. If you’re not ready to be friends with an ex or if you can’t be friends with an ex, it is not a negative reflection of you. You’re just being emotionally honest with yourself, and shouldn’t feel pressured to be friends with an ex.
I don’t encourage being friends with an ex who was abusive, is still very angry about the break-up, hasn’t taken any responsibility for anything or is trying to convince you that what you feel or how you remember the relationship is all wrong or that you’re confused etc. That’s dismissing your feelings and experience and gaslighting to manipulate you. You don’t need someone like that as a friend let alone a partner. And if you’re still fighting and saying things that are hurtful to each other, being friends is good in theory but not practical.
If you are ready to continue, here a proven friends-to-lovers pathway for getting an ex back into a relationship. If you do “being friends” with your ex right, it can lead to getting your ex back. Many exes have found themselves back together because they followed this 5-steps.
STEP 1: Keep the line of communication open
The first step of being friends with an ex to getting back together is keep the lines of communication open.
I have had clients come to me with “I was in no contact for 21 days. I reached out and they responded 3 days later asking what I want. I told them I wanted to be friends and see if we can try to work things out. I never heard back. I’ve reached out 3 times over the last month but no response. What do I do next?”
I’m sitting there thinking, “I don’t know what you do next. But more importantly, what did you expect?” They say you teach people how to treat you. What do going no contact is telling an avoidant is that it’s okay to not to have any contact for weeks and even months. You can’t the turn around and complain about them “disappearing for weeks” because you did the same thing and they didn’t complain. It’s unhealthy and unsafe dynamic.
Any experienced negotiator worth their salary will tell you that the first rule of conflict resolution or crisis management is “create an open line of communication” or “keep the lines of communication open.” Open lines of communication signal goodwill, a kind of trust and consistency. If you need sometime after the break-up to get yourself together or self-regulate, there are secure, healthy and emotionally mature ways to do it than cut off someone, block them and try to make them feel irrelevant.
An open line of communications doesn’t mean texting them every other day, pushing to meet or even expecting them to respond to every text. It’s important to remember that being friend with an ex is not the same kind of “friendship” you have with your other friends (see what to expect from being friends with an ex ).
STEP 2: Do not offer being friends first
Do not be the first to offer a friendship or introduce the word “friends”. Your ex might agree to being friends believing that friendship is all you want. Before you’ve even had a chance to try to get them back you’re “friendzoned”.
The other reason I discourage using the words “friends” is because many exes rightfully) don’t feel that they can quickly transition to “being friends with an ex” and may need sometime before they’re ready to be friends. Asking them to be friends just after breaking up may feel like pressure and they’ll reject the idea of a friendship or beings friends. In my experience, “keep the lines of communication open” or “a way to stay in each other’s life” is less pressure because there’s no label to what the two of you are.
BUT… this is very important. If your ex says they want to be friends, or that friendship is all they can offer you at the moment, DO NOT turn down the offer because you are scared that being friends will hurt your chances.
STEP 3: Accept your ex’s offer to be friends and make the best of it
Adults don’t go to another adult, shake their hand and say “I want you to be my friends’, “I want to be your friend” or “let’s be friends”. You do that when you’re 3 – 6 years old, and after that you outgrow the kindergarten way of making friends. So when an ex says “be friends”, they either have a specific “relationship” in mind or haven’t thoroughly thought about what they’re offering.
This is where your maturity and being a “safe person” come in. Don’t knee-jerk react with “I don’t want to be friends” when you don’t even know what your ex is saying or offering.
You may have been offered a window of opportunity to do all the things you could have done right to make your relationship safe, healthy and fulfilling, but didn’t. Take it. If your relationship is like most, by the time of the break-up, the relationship wasn’t working for your ex (or for you). If there were many arguments and conflict that made your ex lose feelings, think you were not right for each other or were incompatible your ex most likely still feels the same and holds those views about you and the relationship. If you give them the option to choose between getting back together and moving on, they’ll likely choose moving on, and rightly so. The lost feelings or relationship isn’t working for them, why would they want to get back together?
Use the window of opportunity you’ve been offered to show change their perception and experience of you. If the word “friends” bothers you so much, change the way you think about it. Think of it as the “probation period” before you are hired for the job. Your ex thinks you qualify for the job but they want to try you out first. You know you qualify for the job, but okay…
STEP 4: Make clear to your ex you want more than friendship
This next step is probably going to be harder for some people than others, and trigger anxiety in those with an anxious attachment, fear in those with a fearful avoidant attachment and concern about getting into something you may not be able to control in dismissive avoidants.
But if you’re working towards becoming securely attached and being a safe partner and stabilizer in your relationship, learning to communicate your needs in an open and honest non- violent manner and be non-threatening and safe for the person you’re asking to meet your need, is how you get your needs met. Securely attached people do this naturally and are rewarded with not just getting their needs met but also with satisfying healthy relationships.
So, open, honest, non- violent, non-threatening and safe communication. Make it clear from the start that ‘being friends” with your ex is not the end goal. You understand that right now getting back together is not something they want or are ready to do, but you’re not going to pretend that you don’t hope that you will get back together at some point. They don’t have to agree or commit to getting back together at some point, all you’re doing is being honest with yourself and with them. You want to be in their life and if their feelings about you or the relationship change in the process, you welcome the idea of getting back together.
This is really important because 1) you don’t want to be friendzoned and 2) many exes who still have feelings for an ex resist being friends because they think they will be pressured to get back together when they’re not ready or sure it’s what they want.
STEP 5: Agree on what “being friends” with your ex means
Over the years, I’ve seen exes who still have feelings for an ex or still have some hope (however small) that things had turned out differently and the break-up didn’t happen resist keeping the lines of communication open or being friends because they have no idea what is expected of them, or even how beings friends after you’ve been romantic really means.
It’s your job to find out 1) what it is exactly that being friends means and what the boundaries are, 2) if being friends will meet your current needs for connection, communication and closeness and 3) if being friends will lead to a possible romantic relationship.
My opinion is being friends with an ex means what the two of you decide it means. Whatever works for the two of you is what is right for the two of you. Make sure that you define in very clear terms what to expect and not expect from each other and ask your ex to communicate their boundaries and what they’re comfortable with in terms of contact, space, time spent together, seeing other people, intimacy etc.
The “what being friends” conversation doesn’t have to happen at once. Some exes may not even know exactly what they are offering by being friends. They said “let’s be friends” because it sounded emotionally mature. You may find that the boundaries of “being friends” form as you interact, and they tell you what is okay to say or do, and what is not.
STEP 6: Create new positive feelings and memories
This is the part about attracting back an ex that many people completely ignore or don’t focus enough on. I’ve worked with so many people who think that all they have to do is show their ex that they still love/care about them or correct their ex’s misconceptions and about them and what happened in the relationship and… their ex will come back. They ignore all advice that isn’t about “showing” their and ex that they love them or care about them, or trying to explain, correct or fix the past. Then they wonder why their ex isn’t responding or pulling further away even with all the effort they’re putting in to get them back.
The other mistake I see so often is relying on old memories or “nostalgia” to create attraction. One, this is a risk when dealing with an avoidant who is deactivated. Reminding them of things about the relationship may actually backfire because they also remember why they broke up with you in the first place. Secondly, recollections differ after a break-up. See How Does Reminding Your Ex Of Good Times Get Them Back?
Instead of coming across as unimaginative, “stuck in the past” or “not changed”, show creativity, create new feelings and new emotions and show your ex that things can and will be better. You will find that it was in being present in the moment and enjoying each other for who they are and who you have become that creates feelings of attraction.
Use being friends to create new positive memories and attraction. If you’re not creating new feelings – laughing, enjoying some really good moments with your ex even just via text – you are not creating attraction however well you word your texts or time your contacts.
STEP 7: Ask your ex if they’re ready to be more than friends
This step usually happens naturally and organically if all the other 6 steps are done right. You find that without even a conversation about it, things just evolved naturally to being more than friends, you’re going out on dates and it’s looking more and more like your ex is considering giving the relationship another chance.
In some instances, you will have to bring up a conversation about becoming more than friends and starting ro date each other again. Like any kind of relationship, both people have to want the same thing and feel the same way about it.
A conversation about being friends more than friends has to be honest, open, direct or clear, and even vulnerable, and has to be a conversation between two people and not just you telling your ex what you want or trying to force what you want on someone who doesn’t want it. It’s important to be very specific about what you want to change from being friends to being mor than friends, so your ex knows how things are going to change. Ask for feedback, listen to what they have to say and remind yourself “I am not ready” is not the same as it’s never going to happen.
There’s no guarantee that your ex will come back, but being friends with an ex and working towards getting back together within the friendship gives you a 30 – 40% advantage. The goodwill, trust, consistency and safety you create beings friends first is a strong foundation for getting back together, and what an avoidant ex needs to believe the relationship can work better. The rest depends on why you broke up, if your ex still has feelings for you, what else is going on in your ex’s life, if there is someone else etc.
RELATED:
Why Is My Avoidant Ex Happy We Are Friends?
How Does Being Friends Help Get an Avoidant Ex Back?
Avoidant Friend Zone Or Starting As Friends Then Come Back?
I recently found out my ex is in a relationship after only 2 months of the breakup. Everyone says it’s a rebound but he’s clearly into her. He told me during the breakup he had felt he lost feelings for me for months and had been thinking of dating other people but didn’t want to cheat on me and hurt me. Now I think he wanted to be friends to see if his feelings for me would come back. I told him I couldn’t be friends with someone I have feelings for.
I’d be happy to be friends with my ex and hope we can return to the way we used to BE, but she says she has no feelings for me. She says we tried the relationship so many times and there’s no point in being friends if we’re not getting back together. Part of me really doesn’t want to let go. I miss her so much.
Sometimes you have to let things go, but that doesn’t mean you should give up as well. Love has a way of surprising us, even us love coaches.
Here is a success story after beings friends with my ex for 15 months. We were together for 4 years, she broke up with me because it felt like I loved her more than she loved me. She wanted to be friends and I was reluctant at first but 2 days later texted that we would be friends but hope we could be together someday. She said if it was meant to be it would be. 4.2 months post breakup, she was in a relationship, 6.5 moths I met a woman I was serious about but found out she lied about her age. I ended the relationship after only 3 months in. Me and my ex continued to text 2 – 4 times a week. We met for lunch 3 times and had drinks once. Her new guy put a stop to us meeting but we continued texting. 2 months ago she ended it with him because he was too controlling. We started seeing each other more and eventually we got back together. Overall, it is going very well, a huge improvement over how things had been.
Congratulations on getting back together.
Being friends or friend-ly with an ex you want back is not easy, but it is the only way to bridge the gap between broken up and back together, and to test drive the new relationship without risking too much.
Thank you for sharing your story, I hope other take inspiration from your success.
I told my ex I wanted no contact and he wasn’t happy and couldn’t understand why we can’t keep in touch as friends. I told him if we can’t be together, there is no point in keeping contact. After reading this and the comments, I think I made a mistake pushing for no contact. I know he still cares about me, and I still love him.
I broke up with my guy because of my overthinking that caused problem. We were best friends and after we broke up, we still are but he don’t want to go back into that relationship. Do I still have a chance if I work on myself on a future date?
Being friends with your ex doesn’t guarantee your ex will come back, but it gives you a 30 – 40% advantage, and works even better with an avoidant ex if you follow the 7 steps and do them the right way.
My ex is telling me we need to work on our friendship and communication. He wants to make sure everything stays like that before moving forward. He saying my actions have to prove him wrong. Also, he talks to someone else. Should i be worried or concerned? We are not forcing or rushing in a relationship.
There is always a worry if your ex is ‘interested’ in someone else. It ‘complicates’ things but it does’t mean you don’t have a chance. Many articles here on the subject.
She has still suggested we meet next week while I’m in her city, which I’m up for, but I’m unsure where to go with the physical contact. On the one hand, I don’t want to push things but on the other, I feel like without kissing, I’m heading towards a permanent ‘friendzone’, which is where I definitely don’t want to be!
That’s a very legitimate concern that’s handled in Dating Your Ex
1) how not to get locked in the “just friends” zone (page 300 )
2) physical contact when trying to get back together (page 308)
There is no such thing as friends with an ex. I just don’t believe it’s possible.
There is such a thing. It’s very possible and it happens more often than most people realize.
That said, I do admit that it’s quite rare in today’s relationship environment for exes to part ways with little or no animosity. My personal opinion is that too many people become “romantic lovers” without necessarily cultivating “friendship”, and when the romance dies there is nothing else left but hurt feelings, anger and resentment.
People with good relationship skills cultivate and nurture both romance and friendship. Friendship helps them weather the rough patches, navigate hurt emotions, and maintain an emotional connection long after the romance dies out. That ‘friendship’ usually provides a foundation for a new romantic relationship. That’s why people who remain “friends” with their ex end up getting back together more often than people who simply can’t remain friends with their ex.
I love that this site is not about no contact. It’s so refreshing to read advice that does not say cut off contact. My ex and I are best friends and it seemed so wrong not to have him in my life. With your advice we are getting close again. We spent last weekend together, cuddling and kissing but no sex. He says he still loves me but wants both of us to change and not fight so much anymore. I am working on me not for him but because I was to be better for myself. Thank you for what you are doing, Yangki. God bless you.
You are on the right path. If you can stop the fighting completely, your relationship will grow and flourish.
Thank you for your kind words, and God bless you too!
I was afraid to take the offer of friendship when my ex offered but after reading your dating ex book I accepted it. We started from him replying to my texts once in a while to a point where we talk daily and he is initiating most of it. You said in your book to push the boundaries so that I am not locked in the ‘just friends’ box? Do you think if I ask him out to a movie that would be a bit too much?
No. It’d not be too much. You’ve built enough momentum to take it to the next stage. I can say with almost 100% certainty that he’ll say, ‘yes”. Go for it!!!!
My ex wants us to remain friends and I find it disturbing that I should not be able to understand it. My brother and his ex consider each other friends and I know they genuinely care for each other as friends but I can’t seem to get to that point with my ex. Please help?
This could be because you still want her as your girlfriend and not as a friend. Until you reach that point where you “let go” hoping there will be a relationship of more than friends, it’ll be hard to get to being friends. Best advice is 1) be honest with your ex, friendship may be possible in the future, but right now you just can’t do it and 2) don’t try too hard to be her friend. Friendships are best when they just happen naturally.
Yangki, I m in contact with my ex and have been using your advice, the blog and book but would like to book a phone session with you. I live in Sydney, Australia and only have a mobile phone. Is there a way we can set up a session, skype or snapchat?
My phone packages include mobile phones. I can call your mobile phone anywhere in Australia.
Scroll to the very bottom of the page to the box that says “book a session”, click it and you’ll be taken to a page which has packages by region. Click Australia…
Yangki, I wanted to ask my question in the post on the 10 signs your ex is interested but they comment are closed. How may of the 10 signs you listed have to be present to show interest? We went from him not wanting contact to him showing 6 of them. I am using both your book and blog, so thank you.
First of all, I am happy for you… 🙂
Obviously some signs indicate stronger/lasing interest than others, overall… if the signs present are more than those that are not, there is more interest than there isn’t… if that makes sense.
Yangki, we are currently talking to each other but as friends. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now and is okay if I date other people. He says it’ll hurt him if I’m with someone else but he can’t give me what I want. I told him I don’t want to date someone else and he is what I want. Is it over and should I date other people or try to get him back?
I don’t know if is over, or not. There must be a reason why he feels he can’t give you what you want. As long as he still feels that way, it’ll be very had for him to want to try the relationship again. So whatever that is (personal to him or has to do with you), it needs to be resolved before anything more than ‘friends’ can happen.
As for dating other people, it depends. It works for some people, it doesn’t for others. In my opinion, if you are not ready to date other people, there is no reason to force yourself to just because your ex says it’s okay. That a decision only YOU should make.
Yangki, I have always felt no contact was wrong but could not find any one who felt the same and could show me what to do in case i want my ex back. i found your site and it has been a blessing. we have regular contact and she had indicated that she would like to see me to give me the present she bought before she broke up with me. i see this as a positive sign since she had said when i asked what to do with her present that we sent it by courier. we meet christmas eve for coffee and exchanging gifts. i just wanted to say thank you for providing mature advice that inspires love.
I think it is a positive sign too. The fact that you continue to have regular contact is a testament to your relationship and maturity on both sides. It’s not easy.
If it helps… I have always felt no contact is wrong too. That’s why created this site, specifically for people like you… 🙂
All the very best!
Staying friends is much more painful and pointless. My ex of 4 years broke up with me because we fight a lot. After begging and pleading with her for 2 weeks I explained to her that I no longer had any intentions of trying to get back with her. I also deleted pictures we had together on facebook and untagged myself in quite a few of them. She has not deleted me or any of our pics off facebook. She’s reached out to me a few times but I don’t return her calls or texts. She has to make up her mind if she wants to be with me or not.
Believe it or not, I agree with you. Not much will come out of staying in contact or being friends when you can’t even handle a facebook relationship.
You probably meant to show emotional strength saying you deleted pictures of the two of you together, untagged yourself and won’t return her calls or texts. In another forum you will get a pat on the back… but at a closer look, your reactions say that you need some “growing” to do to get to that emotional place where you are able to separate how you feel from what you want or is good for the relationship.
Right now, how you feel dictates your reactions which in turn create your experiences. You obviously aren’t thinking about how what you are doing is detrimental to the relationship, in the long term.
We broke up 3 months ago because my ex cheated. We just recently started communicating again and there is not a day that passes without him asking for my forgiveness. He’s gone as far as seek counseling to show me he is sorry and that it will not happen again. I still love him, he’s a good guy who’s been a good father to my 2 children. I believe he’s sincere in his apologies but it’s hard for me to get past the hurt and trust him again. But your are right, it’s difficult to equal the hurt you’ve experienced. Thank you for writing this.
I hear you. Forgiving him doesn’t mean you have to trust him as well. Forgiveness is for you to set yourself free. Trust takes time. He has to earn your trust — consistently.
Last week my boyfriend of two and a half years brok up with me because he didn’t feel the spark anymore. I have agreed to remain friends. We are going to see each other one on one every other week. We have talked every day apart from one since the break up. He wants to give it time and take it slow. Does this mean I have a good chance?
The right question in your situation is: what has changed to make him feel the spark again?
From your comment, nothing or at least not enough time for change to have happened. All you are doing is continuing with the old relationship, a mistake that even being friends or taking it slow can not help.
I’m going through a recent breakup. He said that one of the reasons for the breakup is because he could not make me happy. I have been battling depression for a really long time and he said he really tried to make me happy but seeing me so unhappy made him unhappy. I have been seeing a psychiatrist to help with me depression and I told him but he says he really loved me and supported me in every way he knew how but it wasn’t enough in the end. He says he wants to be friends because he cares about me deeply and doesn’t want to lose me in his life. We were together for 5 years and had plans to make a life together. Do you think being friends will make him change his mind?
I do not think just being friends will change his mind. But with him in your day to day life,, he can see the improvements you are making, and hopefully they’ll be enough to make him reconsider giving the relationship another chance.
At this point however, I think you should be focusing on getting better, and not worry too much about whether he wants you back or not. Your well being is far more important.
Yangki, I bought your ebook because of this line “You have been too focused on “ME” and not much energy put into “US”. After reading your ebook and absorbing the insights in your articles, I can honestly say this is indeed a whole different point of reference, at least for me. I think like most people I thought I was working on “us” but all I was doing is being selfish and only thinking of me and what I want. I am learning to think more of “us” and my ex sees the difference. Thank you, my friend I have never met. 🙂
O! You’ve met me, my friend… 🙂 We are all connected by love.
All the very best.. friend!
What if you are being like a friend to build up connection, but your ex takes it as desperate behaviour to get him back and becomes distant? Even though you are just being friendly and trying to talk to him?
Jennifer, Mueller, Carina, Magic, Vaeri etc, if you post another comment with a fake name and fake email address, we’ll block your access to the site. We don’t like blocking anyone’s access but we will if you continue abusing the site.
Mind games are a major turn off for even someone (like me) who wants to help.
Hi Yangki,
My boyfriend was not a very expressive person in our relationship and it drove me to find compliments from a stranger online. We flirted for only a few messages but my boyfriend found out and broke up with me. He understands why I did it but says it does not make it hurt any less. He still wants to maintain a close friendship and we talk every single day like we normally do. He says he does not know about the future and wants to take each day as it comes.
Is there hope for us getting back together?
If he can get over what happened, and if it’s the only “problem” in your relationship, yes. There may still be hope.
My boyfriend and I just broke up because he said he didn’t feel the same way anymore and couldn’t give me the love I deserve. He said he still loves and cares about me and thinks of me as his best friend and wants to be friends. I told him yes I would, because I don’t want to lose him in my life. Do you think there’s ever a chance we may get back together down the road? I don’t want to get my hopes up and I want to keep him in my life in some way no matter what, but is there a chance that if we hang out and talk as friends that his feelings may return?
Yes, there is a chance…but you have to work at making him feel in love again. There must be something that changed/happened to make him feel he can’t give you what you deserve. You need to change that perception for him to even consider a relationship again.
Being friends means being in his life as much as possible. This is an advantage in that you have many opportunities to show him that the relationship can be better. The more he experiences (without you trying to talk him into coming back) how things can be different, the easier it is for him to be convinced.
I say, give it an honest try… (: I think you have a good chance.
Hi Yangki, I am following the advice in your book and have accepted that friends is all we can be for now even though at times I wonder if it will be anything more. He says he still loves me but needs to pursue his career dreams. The breakup was because he travels abroad 2-3 times a month and we don’t spend time together. I was unhappy because I made him the center of my life but have since started doing things on my own and he encourages me and wants to talk about what Im doing. Am I in denial or is there hope?
I don’t think you are in denial, there may be hope given that you are still in each other’s life and supportive of the other. I’d say give it some time, keep following the advice in the book and if after sometime you don’t see progress then you can reevaluate the situation.
You also said in your other comment that he asked you to a family event, that is a positive sign. If he’s comfortable having you meet his family, he may have not completely ruled out a future with you. Another positive sign is that it means there is no “serious” someone else in his life right now. If there was, he’d have taken her instead. But he took you.
Yangki, I think I’m making some progress. It started Friday, she was open and warm and as you say in your book, I saw momentum and asked her out. Wasn’t expecting anything, but she said yes 🙂 Saturday, was to meet her for coffee, we spent 5 hrs catching up. Got home sent her a text and we texted for abt 2 hrs. Sunday, around 11am lo and behold, she initiated a text. First time in 2.5 mos. Been me initiating since the breakup. So Sunday, another 3 hrs texting. Monday, I initiated it, got a flirtatious response, chatted a bit and had to go. Tuesday, sent her a morning text, no response but got one at noon, and chatted for 23 mins. I plan on sending her another text later. I feel really great, Yangki. My question is, where to go from here?
Yap! progress for sure. I am happy for you…:)
Since this was your first “date”, don’t ask her out again immediately. See what happens by Thursday and if there is still momentum, then suggest another meet up. If there is momentum, don’t wait too long between “dates”, but also don’t overdo it and come cross and pushing things too soon.
As for initiating contacts, her initiating is definitely a positive sign in the right direction. However, you’re still going to have to continue with much of the heavy lifting for a little longer. Things will even out as she gets more confident that things are going the right direction.
I like this kind of news… keep me updated!
Hi! Thank you for this article. It clears up somethings but over all I’m still extremely confused on what my ex really wants. She broke it off with me and said we could still be friends, but still contacts me at least everyday since the breakup. I’m confused on if she still has those feelings or not honestly. & I would ask but I’m afraid that will drive her away if I do, so I’m trying to keep it cool for the most part. What do you think or advise me to do??? So confused. Thank you!
Spend a little bit more time here on the blog reading different articles. There articles including Q&A posts on why your ex contacts you, how to respond, signs they still have feelings for you, how to maintain contact without coming across as needy or putting pressure etc. This is a process, it takes time, effort and commitment.
Yangki, I’ve been reading your book and following your articles. They help me understand myself and my ex better. I am currently dating my ex, however she currently have no feelings for me. She also asked me to see other people, so that I won’t suffocate her and I won’t get hurt if this won’t work out. Should I take her advice and date other people? Would that not hurt our new connection?
It depends. Some relationships are hurt by it and some are not. Some relationships even benefit from dating other people. See “Should You Date Other People?” (page 321).
Just goes to show that relationships are not always all or nothing. The relationship can continue as something else… as long as you both are clear on boundaries.
This is my story. She broke up with me but said we could remain friends. I told her I can’t be her friend. It would not make sense. I went no contact for 3 months the contacted her and she straight out asked me if I wanted us to get back together or be friends. I thought if I said I wanted us to get back together it’d scare her away, and if I told her I wanted to be friends she’d say “I thought we weren’t going to be friends”, so I said “I would like to get back together if that’s possible, but for now lets see how things pan out.” She said she’s in a relationship. I was thinking of low contact for 2 months to see how things go. What do you think?
Not a bad idea if she’s still open to contact. Other than walking away, it’s the only other option.
Next time someone says, “let’s remain friends”, take it.
I am not a big believer in men and women being just friends, but my ex is adamant that we start things as friends. Things definitely feel different as there is less pressure and tension in our relationship now that I am not asking her to come back. Thanks.
Thanks Yangki, I know there is a strong possibility that we may never get back together but I definitely want to give it try. I have your book and also signed up for your course.
Just out of curiosity why do you say ‘if you ever get there?”
I’m just making a general observation.
A lot happens and changes in 3 months, at least for most people. Change is further accelerated after a life changing experience/or break-up. New activities/interests, new friends, some people even change their looks, jobs or move to a new location.
Sometimes things change in ways that draw us to each other, but often times we grow further and further apart, the more estranged we become.
Think about some your friends… the less you talk/know about or are involved in each other’s lives, the less you have in common. At some point, the friendship just dies out.
Yangki, I did not use no contact as a mind game. I wanted a few months to organize my thoughts and regain my feelings before I initiate contact. I did not think she would move on so fast. For now we are being just friends and hopefully she’ll see we have something special and come back.
I hope so too. After not being in each other’s life for 3 months, getting back to that “something special” takes a lot more work and time — if you ever get there.
If your heart says you should give it a shot, then do it. You never know…
Hi Yangki, I just had to tell you what a blessing your book and site are! My ex broke up with me because he didn’t feel the same love for me as I felt for him. I started no contact but I couldn’t completely disconnect myself from him. I contacted him and over the course of 5 weeks things progressed rapidly. We spent a lot of time talking about how to improve the relationship. he was very attentive, holding me tightly and giving me long hugs but I was the one that asked him if he wants to try the relationship again. We are back together but still taking it slow. Your advice was extremely helpful. Thank you.
Congratulations Eliz… 🙂
I’m glad to have been of help. All the very best.
My ex says the only way he would fall back in love with me is for us to be friends. But I feel like that’s not going to work. He does not respond to my texts and if I ask him to hang out, he makes up excuses like he’s tired and just wants to sleep. Am I wasting my time?
The way you are going about it, yes.
You have decided that being friends is not going to work and pushing things to happen your way. It’s probably stressing him out, that’s why he’s avoiding you.
Step back a little, and open your mind to the possibility that he might actually be right that the only way he would fall back in love with you is for you to be friends. Changing how you think about the situation will help you see how to approach things differently.