7 Steps From Being Friends With An Ex Back To A Relationship

Can being friends with an ex lead back into a relationship? Yes, but only if you do being friends right. It may even be your only path to getting back together if you follow the right steps, are honest about why you want to be friends and set the boundaries for how to stay friends as exes and get back together.

I’ll admit that being friends with ex to get them back is not easy when you want to be together right away but if things moved too fast, the relationship ended so abruptly, an ex doesn’t want a relationship or isn’t ready to get back together, wants to take things slow or wants to see a change in your dynamic, being friends with an ex is your best chance of getting back in a relationship. Being friends with an ex will give you an opportunity to practice healthier communication, focus on having fun, and to continue to build a stronger connection and solid foundation within the warmth and care of a friendship.

Being friends with an ex also works with an ex who didn’t want to break-up but felt overwhelmed by what’s going on in the relationship and/or things happening in their life that have nothing to do with the relationship. You don’t know how they’ll feel in a few weeks (maybe even regret the break-up) without the pressure of being in a relationship and being friends gives you the opportunity to show that you are capable of listening, being present and providing support without an agenda, especially if they felt that they didn’t get the support and encouragement they expected in a relationship.

Beings friends actually works better with an avoidant ex as I explained in my article How Does Being Friends Help Get an Avoidant Ex Back?.

The steps below are results of years of fine tuning what works and what doesn’t, and learning from many of my clients who stayed friends after breakup and got back together. They show you how to go from lovers to friends to lovers again.

STEP 1: Accept the breakup

Accepting the break-up is the most important step of being friends with an ex you want back because it sets the tone of your friendship.

For being friends with your ex to lead back into a relationship, it’s important that your ex knows you do not agree or want the breakup but accept that right now the two of you are not together. Accepting that the relationship is over doesn’t void how you feel, it instead allows you to stop trying to change what has happened and focus your time and energy on turning things around in a healthy and constructive manner.

You can send your ex a text accepting the break-up, give them a call or meet in person if they’re willing to meet.

The point is that your friendship has to be genuine and not some fake manipulation tactic your ex can see through, and be turned off by.

STEP 2: Keep the lines of communication open

When making the transition from a relationship to beings friends and back to a relationship, open lines of communication is the key.

Open lines of communication signal a willingness to engage and the goodwill can go a really long way in laying the groundwork for getting back together.

An open line of communication doesn’t mean texting them every other day, pushing to meet or even expecting them to respond to every text. Being friend with an ex is not the same kind of “friendship” you have with your other friends instead it’s starting slow with 1-3  reach outs a week and slowly building momentum to where you’re talking on a daily basis and your ex is even open o hanging out a few times a week.

If you need sometime after the break-up to get yourself together or self-regulate, there are secure, healthy and emotionally mature ways to do it than cut off someone, block them and try to make them feel irrelevant.

STEP 3: Be honest about wanting your ex back

I do not encourage offering to be friends because your ex might agree to being friends believing that friendship is all you want, and before you’ve even had a chance to try to get them back, you’re friendzoned. But if being friends is your only option, offer to “keep the lines of communication open” or “a way to stay in each other’s life” without using the words “be friends”. This will take away the pressure that labels tend to have, and avoidants don’t like.

Make sure your ex knows that you want to be friends for now, but your goal is to get back together if things change with time. They don’t have to agree or commit to getting back together, all you’re doing is being honest with yourself and with them. You want to be in their life and if their feelings about you or the relationship changes in the process, you welcome the idea of getting back together.

Being upfront that you hope being friends will lead back to a relationship seems counterproductive, but being honest is the only way you’re ever going to know if there’s even a chance your ex will want to get back together at all.

If your ex says they want to be friends, or that friendship is all they can offer you at the moment, DO NOT turn down the offer because you are scared that being friends will hurt your chances. You may have been offered a window of opportunity to do all the things you could have done right to make your relationship safe, healthy and fulfilling, but didn’t. Take it.

STEP 4: Set clear boundaries on what it means to be friends

Beings friends with the intentions of it leading back to a relationship will not work if your ex has no idea what is expected of them, or even how beings friends after you’ve been romantic really means. They’ll resist being friends because they think they will be pressured to get back together when they’re not ready or sure it’s what they want.

In my opinion being friends with an ex means what the two of you decide it means. Whatever works for the two of you is what is right for the two of you.

Set clear boundaries on what it means to be friends and communicate in clear terms what to expect and not expect from each other. Be open, honest, and use non- violent, non-threatening and safe communication, and make sure that you ask your ex to communicate their boundaries and what they’re comfortable with in terms of contact, space, time spent together, seeing other people/and what happens then, intimacy or friends with benefits etc.

The “what being friends” means conversation doesn’t have to happen at once. Some exes may not even know exactly what they are offering by being friends. They said “let’s be friends” because it sounded emotionally mature. You may find that the boundaries of “being friends” form as you interact, and they tell you what is okay to say or do, and what is not.

The right boundaries do not guarantee that your ex will not start seeing someone new, but they help reduce the possibility of them wanting another relationship if things are going really well between the two of you, and also helps you respond from a place of secure attachment if and when your ex starts seeing someone new.

STEP 5: Create new positive feelings and memories

Friendship is a valuable space for starting a new dynamic and a new chapter of your relationship. So use being friends to create new positive memories and attraction and to make sure you’ll not be friendzoned. The difference between “being just friends” and a friendship where you’re obviously still attracted to each other is the sexual energy or tension between you and your ex. So flirt, tease, be playful, do the things you loved doing together but also do things you’ve never done before, go to places you’ve never been before, and if both of you are okay with being friends with benefits that’s okay too. You’re two single consenting adults who know what you’re doing.

The point is to create new positive feelings and memories instead of relying on old memories tainted by the bad things that happened in the relationship. The other goal is to keeping the boundaries of “being friends with an ex” fluid and not get yourself friendzoned.

If you’re not creating new feelings – laughing, enjoying some really good moments with your ex even just via text – you are not creating attraction however well you word your texts or time your contacts. The more positive memories you create now, the stronger the attraction and bond you’ll create.

Only when it’s safe is it okay to bring up the past and the issues you had. This will of course be determined by your ex’s attachment style. Some things can be talked over when things are safe and others are better left until you’re back together and others

STEP 6: Show how things can be different

If your relationship is like most, by the time of the break-up, the relationship wasn’t working for your ex (or for you). If there were many arguments and conflict that made your ex lose feelings, think you were not right for each other or were incompatible your ex most likely still feels the same and holds those views about you and the relationship. If you give them the option to choose between getting back together and moving on, they’ll likely choose moving on, and rightly so. The lost feelings or relationship isn’t working for them, why would they want to get back together?

Use beings friends with your ex as a space to show them the self-work you’ve done on yourself and to change your ex’s perception and experience of you. This can also be an opportunity for the two of you to grow together and to share your individual personal work, goals and plans for your future with the pressures that come with being in a relationship.

STEP 7: Ask your ex if they’re ready to be more than friends

This step usually happens naturally and organically if all the other 6 steps are done right. You find that without even a conversation about it, things just evolved naturally to being more than friends, you’re going out on dates and it’s looking more and more like your ex is considering giving the relationship another chance.

In some instances, you will have to bring up a conversation about becoming more than friends and starting to date each other again. Like any kind of relationship, both people have to want the same thing and feel the same way about it.

A conversation about being friends more than friends has to be honest, open, direct or clear, and even vulnerable, and has to be a conversation between two people and not just you telling your ex what you want or trying to force what you want on someone who doesn’t want it. It’s important to be very specific about what you want to change from being friends to being mor than friends, so your ex knows how things are going to change. Ask for feedback, listen to what they have to say and remind yourself “I am not ready” is not the same as it’s never going to happen.

How long it takes from being friends to being in a relationship

How long it takes from being friends with an ex to being in relationship again can happen in weeks and months depending on the level of trust and an understanding of each other and what each other needs, and if you’re doing “being friends with an ex” right.

Being friends with an ex doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get back together, but it gives you 30 – 50% advantage over trying to get back together when there’s no friendly foundation. The goodwill, trust, consistency and safety you create beings friends first is a strong foundation for getting back together, and what an avoidant ex needs to believe the relationship can work better. The rest depends on why you broke up, if your ex still has feelings for you, what else is going on in your ex’s life, if there is someone else etc.

RELATED:

Why Is My Avoidant Ex Happy We Are Friends?

How Does Being Friends Help Get an Avoidant Ex Back?

Avoidant Friend Zone Or Starting As Friends Then Come Back?

What Do Avoidants Get Out Of Keeping Exes Around?

7 FACTS About Being FRIENDS With An Ex You Want Back

12 Signs Your Ex Is Just Being Nice, Polite And Friendly

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69 Comments

  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jorge

    It is possible go from lovers to friends to lovers again. My ex and I stayed friends after the break up and after 6 months got back together. This is our timeline (FA):

    Months 1- 2 –Texting and a couple of phone calls. She said it was too soon to meet.
    Month 3 – We met and started hanging out once a week (her suggestion).
    Month 4 – We hang out more. I asked to get back together, said she’d give me an answer in a month.
    Month 5 – We started spending weekends together and being intimate. I asked if she had an answer for me, she said she needed more time. Also said she noticed I had changed and liked our new dynamic but still needed more time.
    Month 6 – She asked if I’d like to be her boyfriend again. I said yes!

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Paisley

    I believe exes can be friends and get back together but both people have to want to invest in the friendship and there should be clear boundaries. My ex was my best friends and someone I trust more than anyone in my life and even after the break up, we talk to each other everyday. We both felt we had work to do on ourselves and agreed that if in a year’s time we still want to be with each other, we’ll talk about and see if we both want to try being in a relationship again. I tell him about what I’m doing and he tells me about what he is doing, and every once in a while we share information. I know that even if we do not end up together, we will always be in each others lives.

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Carolina

    Mine (FA) wanted to be friends right after the breakup but I said I could not be his friends because I still had feelings. After reading your advices I sent a text accepting being friends. I told him again I still had feelings and he said he knows but can not do anything about it because he is not ready for a relationship. I’m following and creating new feelings and memories and I can see how he looks at me that he still has feelings for me but holding back.

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Janna L.

    Everyone said not to be friends with my ex if I want to get them back, but I didn’t see any other way he would learn to trust me again after I broke his trust, so I asked if we could be friends. He asked if I was hoping to get back together and I said yes, but I had to show him he can trust me again first. He then asked how I will show him that he can trust me again, and I said time will tell. He seemed to like my answers but said not to get my hopes up because he does not want to lead me on. It’s been just over a month of us being friends and he has started to open up a little. I’m focused on winning back his trust and working on myself.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Brandee

    We broke up became friends got back together after 8 months of being friends. It was the most amicable breakup because I recognize how I triggered him with my anxiety and told him so when he was breaking up with me. I didn’t beg him to come back when he asked to be friends but instead asked for 3 days of no communication and then reached out and told him we could friends but still had feelings for him. He said he had feelings for me too but a friendship is all he could offer me. What turned our friendship back into a relationship is that we both realized that we were great together when we didn’t fight over relationship stuff and decided that we’ll always put our friendship first and the romantic relationship second. So far it’s working great for us.

  6. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jamie

    I recently found out my ex is in a relationship after only 2 months of the breakup. Everyone says it’s a rebound but he’s clearly into her. He told me during the breakup he had felt he lost feelings for me for months and had been thinking of dating other people but didn’t want to cheat on me and hurt me. Now I think he wanted to be friends to see if his feelings for me would come back. I told him I couldn’t be friends with someone I have feelings for.

  7. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Rob

    I’d be happy to be friends with my ex and hope we can return to the way we used to BE, but she says she has no feelings for me. She says we tried the relationship so many times and there’s no point in being friends if we’re not getting back together. Part of me really doesn’t want to let go. I miss her so much.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Sometimes you have to let things go, but that doesn’t mean you should give up as well. Love has a way of surprising us, even us love coaches.

  8. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Daldit

    Here is a success story, we broke up became friends got back together after 5 months. We were together for 4 years, she broke up with me because it felt like I loved her more than she loved me. She wanted to be friends and I was reluctant at first but 2 days later texted that we would be friends but hope we could be together someday. She said if it was meant to be it would be. 4.2 months post breakup, she was in a relationship, 6.5 moths I met a woman I was serious about but found out she lied about her age. I ended the relationship after only 3 months in. Me and my ex continued to text 2 – 4 times a week. We met for lunch 3 times and had drinks once. Her new guy put a stop to us meeting but we continued texting. 2 months ago she ended it with him because he was too controlling. We started seeing each other more and eventually we got back together. Overall, it is going very well, a huge improvement over how things had been.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Congratulations on getting back together.

      Being friends or friend-ly with an ex you want back is not easy, but it is the only way to bridge the gap between broken up and back together, and to test drive the new relationship without risking too much.

      Thank you for sharing your story, I hope other take inspiration from your success.

  9. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Anna

    I told my ex I wanted no contact and he wasn’t happy and couldn’t understand why we can’t keep in touch as friends. I told him if we can’t be together, there is no point in keeping contact. After reading this and the comments, I think I made a mistake pushing for no contact. I know he still cares about me, and I still love him.

  10. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Priya

    I broke up with my guy because of my overthinking that caused problem. We were best friends and after we broke up, we still are but he don’t want to go back into that relationship. Do I still have a chance if we start as friends? Btw, he’s an avoidant.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Like the article says, being friends with an ex doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get back together, but it gives you 30 – 50% advantage over trying to get back together when there’s no friendly foundation. And yes, being friends works with an avoidant because it creates the consistency, trust and safety avoidants need to be convinced to get back into a relationship.

  11. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jay

    My ex is telling me we need to work on our friendship and communication. He wants to make sure everything stays like that before moving forward. He saying my actions have to prove him wrong. Also, he talks to someone else. Should i be worried or concerned? We are not forcing or rushing in a relationship.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      There is always a worry if your ex is ‘interested’ in someone else. It ‘complicates’ things but it does’t mean you don’t have a chance. Many articles here on the subject.

  12. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ian

    She has still suggested we meet next week while I’m in her city, which I’m up for, but I’m unsure where to go with the physical contact. On the one hand, I don’t want to push things but on the other, I feel like without kissing, I’m heading towards a permanent ‘friendzone’, which is where I definitely don’t want to be!

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      That’s a very legitimate concern that’s handled in Dating Your Ex
      1) how not to get locked in the “just friends” zone (page 300 )
      2) physical contact when trying to get back together (page 308)

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      There is such a thing. It’s very possible and it happens more often than most people realize.

      That said, I do admit that it’s quite rare in today’s relationship environment for exes to part ways with little or no animosity. My personal opinion is that too many people become “romantic lovers” without necessarily cultivating “friendship”, and when the romance dies there is nothing else left but hurt feelings, anger and resentment.

      People with good relationship skills cultivate and nurture both romance and friendship. Friendship helps them weather the rough patches, navigate hurt emotions, and maintain an emotional connection long after the romance dies out. That ‘friendship’ usually provides a foundation for a new romantic relationship. That’s why people who remain “friends” with their ex end up getting back together more often than people who simply can’t remain friends with their ex.

      1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nancie

        I love that this site is not about no contact. It’s so refreshing to read advice that does not say cut off contact. My ex and I are best friends and it seemed so wrong not to have him in my life. With your advice we are getting close again. We spent last weekend together, cuddling and kissing but no sex. He says he still loves me but wants both of us to change and not fight so much anymore. I am working on me not for him but because I was to be better for myself. Thank you for what you are doing, Yangki. God bless you.

        1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

          You are on the right path. If you can stop the fighting completely, your relationship will grow and flourish.

          Thank you for your kind words, and God bless you too!

  13. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Syiana

    I was afraid to take the offer of friendship when my ex offered but after reading your dating ex book I accepted it. We started from him replying to my texts once in a while to a point where we talk daily and he is initiating most of it. You said in your book to push the boundaries so that I am not locked in the ‘just friends’ box? Do you think if I ask him out to a movie that would be a bit too much?

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      No. It’d not be too much. You’ve built enough momentum to take it to the next stage. I can say with almost 100% certainty that he’ll say, ‘yes”. Go for it!!!!

  14. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Cory

    My ex wants us to remain friends and I find it disturbing that I should not be able to understand it. My brother and his ex consider each other friends and I know they genuinely care for each other as friends but I can’t seem to get to that point with my ex. Please help?

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      This could be because you still want her as your girlfriend and not as a friend. Until you reach that point where you accept that right now your ex doesn’t want more than friends, it’ll be hard to get to being friends. In your specific case 1) be honest with your ex, friendship may be possible in the future but right now you just can’t do it and 2) don’t try too hard to be her friend. Friendships are best when they just happen naturally.

  15. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Steve S.

    Yangki, I m in contact with my ex and have been using your advice, the blog and book but would like to book a phone session with you. I live in Sydney, Australia and only have a mobile phone. Is there a way we can set up a session, skype or snapchat?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      My phone packages include mobile phones. I can call your mobile phone anywhere in Australia.

      Scroll to the very bottom of the page to the box that says “book a session”, click it and you’ll be taken to a page which has packages by region. Click Australia…

  16. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: LiZabeth

    Yangki, I wanted to ask my question in the post on the 10 signs your ex is interested but they comment are closed. How may of the 10 signs you listed have to be present to show interest? We went from him not wanting contact to him showing 6 of them. I am using both your book and blog, so thank you.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      First of all, I am happy for you… 🙂

      Obviously some signs indicate stronger/lasing interest than others, overall… if the signs present are more than those that are not, there is more interest than there isn’t… if that makes sense.

  17. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: versacegal

    Yangki, we are currently talking to each other but as friends. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now and is okay if I date other people. He says it’ll hurt him if I’m with someone else but he can’t give me what I want. I told him I don’t want to date someone else and he is what I want. Is it over and should I date other people or try to get him back?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I don’t know if is over, or not. There must be a reason why he feels he can’t give you what you want. As long as he still feels that way, it’ll be very had for him to want to try the relationship again. So whatever that is (personal to him or has to do with you), it needs to be resolved before anything more than ‘friends’ can happen.

      As for dating other people, it depends. It works for some people, it doesn’t for others. In my opinion, if you are not ready to date other people, there is no reason to force yourself to just because your ex says it’s okay. That a decision only YOU should make.

  18. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ted

    Yangki, I have always felt no contact was wrong but could not find any one who felt the same and could show me what to do in case i want my ex back. i found your site and it has been a blessing. we have regular contact and she had indicated that she would like to see me to give me the present she bought before she broke up with me. i see this as a positive sign since she had said when i asked what to do with her present that we sent it by courier. we meet christmas eve for coffee and exchanging gifts. i just wanted to say thank you for providing mature advice that inspires love.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I think it is a positive sign too. The fact that you continue to have regular contact is a testament to your relationship and maturity on both sides. It’s not easy.

      If it helps… I have always felt no contact is wrong too. That’s why created this site, specifically for people like you… 🙂

      All the very best!

  19. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Elves

    Staying friends is much more painful and pointless. My ex of 4 years broke up with me because we fight a lot. After begging and pleading with her for 2 weeks I explained to her that I no longer had any intentions of trying to get back with her. I also deleted pictures we had together on facebook and untagged myself in quite a few of them. She has not deleted me or any of our pics off facebook. She’s reached out to me a few times but I don’t return her calls or texts. She has to make up her mind if she wants to be with me or not.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Believe it or not, I agree with you. Not much will come out of staying in contact or being friends when you can’t even handle a facebook relationship.

      You probably meant to show emotional strength saying you deleted pictures of the two of you together, untagged yourself and won’t return her calls or texts. In another forum you will get a pat on the back… but at a closer look, your reactions say that you need some “growing” to do to get to that emotional place where you are able to separate how you feel from what you want or is good for the relationship.

      Right now, how you feel dictates your reactions which in turn create your experiences. You obviously aren’t thinking about how what you are doing is detrimental to the relationship, in the long term.

  20. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ada

    We broke up 3 months ago because my ex cheated. We just recently started communicating again and there is not a day that passes without him asking for my forgiveness. He’s gone as far as seek counseling to show me he is sorry and that it will not happen again. I still love him, he’s a good guy who’s been a good father to my 2 children. I believe he’s sincere in his apologies but it’s hard for me to get past the hurt and trust him again. But your are right, it’s difficult to equal the hurt you’ve experienced. Thank you for writing this.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I hear you. Forgiving him doesn’t mean you have to trust him as well. Forgiveness is for you to set yourself free. Trust takes time. He has to earn your trust — consistently.

  21. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Imogen

    Last week my boyfriend of two and a half years brok up with me because he didn’t feel the spark anymore. I have agreed to remain friends. We are going to see each other one on one every other week. We have talked every day apart from one since the break up. He wants to give it time and take it slow. Does this mean I have a good chance?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      The right question in your situation is: what has changed to make him feel the spark again?

      From your comment, nothing or at least not enough time for change to have happened. All you are doing is continuing with the old relationship, a mistake that even being friends or taking it slow can not help.

  22. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ethel

    I’m going through a recent breakup. He said that one of the reasons for the breakup is because he could not make me happy. I have been battling depression for a really long time and he said he really tried to make me happy but seeing me so unhappy made him unhappy. I have been seeing a psychiatrist to help with me depression and I told him but he says he really loved me and supported me in every way he knew how but it wasn’t enough in the end. He says he wants to be friends because he cares about me deeply and doesn’t want to lose me in his life. We were together for 5 years and had plans to make a life together. Do you think being friends will make him change his mind?

    1. I do not think just being friends will change his mind. But with him in your day to day life,, he can see the improvements you are making, and hopefully they’ll be enough to make him reconsider giving the relationship another chance.

      At this point however, I think you should be focusing on getting better, and not worry too much about whether he wants you back or not. Your well being is far more important.

  23. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Katey

    Yangki, I bought your ebook because of this line “You have been too focused on “ME” and not much energy put into “US”. After reading your ebook and absorbing the insights in your articles, I can honestly say this is indeed a whole different point of reference, at least for me. I think like most people I thought I was working on “us” but all I was doing is being selfish and only thinking of me and what I want. I am learning to think more of “us” and my ex sees the difference. Thank you, my friend I have never met. 🙂

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      O! You’ve met me, my friend… 🙂 We are all connected by love.

      All the very best.. friend!

  24. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Carina

    What if you are being like a friend to build up connection, but your ex takes it as desperate behaviour to get him back and becomes distant? Even though you are just being friendly and trying to talk to him?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      Jennifer, Mueller, Carina, Magic, Vaeri etc, if you post another comment with a fake name and fake email address, we’ll block your access to the site. We don’t like blocking anyone’s access but we will if you continue abusing the site.

      Mind games are a major turn off for even someone (like me) who wants to help.

  25. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jovelle

    Hi Yangki,

    My boyfriend was not a very expressive person in our relationship and it drove me to find compliments from a stranger online. We flirted for only a few messages but my boyfriend found out and broke up with me. He understands why I did it but says it does not make it hurt any less. He still wants to maintain a close friendship and we talk every single day like we normally do. He says he does not know about the future and wants to take each day as it comes.

    Is there hope for us getting back together?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      If he can get over what happened, and if it’s the only “problem” in your relationship, yes. There may still be hope.

  26. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: cateyycat

    My boyfriend and I just broke up because he said he didn’t feel the same way anymore and couldn’t give me the love I deserve. He said he still loves and cares about me and thinks of me as his best friend and wants to be friends. I told him yes I would, because I don’t want to lose him in my life. Do you think there’s ever a chance we may get back together down the road? I don’t want to get my hopes up and I want to keep him in my life in some way no matter what, but is there a chance that if we hang out and talk as friends that his feelings may return?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Yes, there is a chance…but you have to work at making him feel in love again. There must be something that changed/happened to make him feel he can’t give you what you deserve. You need to change that perception for him to even consider a relationship again.

      Being friends means being in his life as much as possible. This is an advantage in that you have many opportunities to show him that the relationship can be better. The more he experiences (without you trying to talk him into coming back) how things can be different, the easier it is for him to be convinced.

      I say, give it an honest try… (: I think you have a good chance.

  27. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Shenan

    Hi Yangki, I am following the advice in your book and have accepted that friends is all we can be for now even though at times I wonder if it will be anything more. He says he still loves me but needs to pursue his career dreams. The breakup was because he travels abroad 2-3 times a month and we don’t spend time together. I was unhappy because I made him the center of my life but have since started doing things on my own and he encourages me and wants to talk about what Im doing. Am I in denial or is there hope?

    1. I don’t think you are in denial, there may be hope given that you are still in each other’s life and supportive of the other. I’d say give it some time, keep following the advice in the book and if after sometime you don’t see progress then you can reevaluate the situation.

      You also said in your other comment that he asked you to a family event, that is a positive sign. If he’s comfortable having you meet his family, he may have not completely ruled out a future with you. Another positive sign is that it means there is no “serious” someone else in his life right now. If there was, he’d have taken her instead. But he took you.

  28. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jonmarx

    Yangki, I think I’m making some progress. It started Friday, she was open and warm and as you say in your book, I saw momentum and asked her out. Wasn’t expecting anything, but she said yes 🙂 Saturday, was to meet her for coffee, we spent 5 hrs catching up. Got home sent her a text and we texted for abt 2 hrs. Sunday, around 11am lo and behold, she initiated a text. First time in 2.5 mos. Been me initiating since the breakup. So Sunday, another 3 hrs texting. Monday, I initiated it, got a flirtatious response, chatted a bit and had to go. Tuesday, sent her a morning text, no response but got one at noon, and chatted for 23 mins. I plan on sending her another text later. I feel really great, Yangki. My question is, where to go from here?

    1. Yap! progress for sure. I am happy for you…:)

      Since this was your first “date”, don’t ask her out again immediately. See what happens by Thursday and if there is still momentum, then suggest another meet up. If there is momentum, don’t wait too long between “dates”, but also don’t overdo it and come cross and pushing things too soon.

      As for initiating contacts, her initiating is definitely a positive sign in the right direction. However, you’re still going to have to continue with much of the heavy lifting for a little longer. Things will even out as she gets more confident that things are going the right direction.

      I like this kind of news… keep me updated!

  29. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Alex

    Hi! Thank you for this article. It clears up somethings but over all I’m still extremely confused on what my ex really wants. She broke it off with me and said we could still be friends, but still contacts me at least everyday since the breakup. I’m confused on if she still has those feelings or not honestly. & I would ask but I’m afraid that will drive her away if I do, so I’m trying to keep it cool for the most part. What do you think or advise me to do??? So confused. Thank you!

    1. Spend a little bit more time here on the blog reading different articles. There articles including Q&A posts on why your ex contacts you, how to respond, signs they still have feelings for you, how to maintain contact without coming across as needy or putting pressure etc. This is a process, it takes time, effort and commitment.

  30. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Matt

    Yangki, I’ve been reading your book and following your articles. They help me understand myself and my ex better. I am currently dating my ex, however she currently have no feelings for me. She also asked me to see other people, so that I won’t suffocate her and I won’t get hurt if this won’t work out. Should I take her advice and date other people? Would that not hurt our new connection?

  31. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: TeeG8

    Just goes to show that relationships are not always all or nothing. The relationship can continue as something else… as long as you both are clear on boundaries.

  32. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Glenn

    This is my story. She broke up with me but said we could remain friends. I told her I can’t be her friend. It would not make sense. I went no contact for 3 months the contacted her and she straight out asked me if I wanted us to get back together or be friends. I thought if I said I wanted us to get back together it’d scare her away, and if I told her I wanted to be friends she’d say “I thought we weren’t going to be friends”, so I said “I would like to get back together if that’s possible, but for now lets see how things pan out.” She said she’s in a relationship. I was thinking of low contact for 2 months to see how things go. What do you think?

  33. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Tate

    I am not a big believer in men and women being just friends, but my ex is adamant that we start things as friends. Things definitely feel different as there is less pressure and tension in our relationship now that I am not asking her to come back. Thanks.

  34. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Erken

    Thanks Yangki, I know there is a strong possibility that we may never get back together but I definitely want to give it try. I have your book and also signed up for your course.

    Just out of curiosity why do you say ‘if you ever get there?”

    1. I’m just making a general observation.

      A lot happens and changes in 3 months, at least for most people. Change is further accelerated after a life changing experience/or break-up. New activities/interests, new friends, some people even change their looks, jobs or move to a new location.

      Sometimes things change in ways that draw us to each other, but often times we grow further and further apart, the more estranged we become.

      Think about some your friends… the less you talk/know about or are involved in each other’s lives, the less you have in common. At some point, the friendship just dies out.

  35. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Erken

    Yangki, I did not use no contact as a mind game. I wanted a few months to organize my thoughts and regain my feelings before I initiate contact. I did not think she would move on so fast. For now we are being just friends and hopefully she’ll see we have something special and come back.

  36. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Eliz

    Hi Yangki, I just had to tell you what a blessing your book and site are! My ex broke up with me because he didn’t feel the same love for me as I felt for him. I started no contact but I couldn’t completely disconnect myself from him. I contacted him and over the course of 5 weeks things progressed rapidly. We spent a lot of time talking about how to improve the relationship. he was very attentive, holding me tightly and giving me long hugs but I was the one that asked him if he wants to try the relationship again. We are back together but still taking it slow. Your advice was extremely helpful. Thank you.

  37. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Dorothy

    My ex says the only way he would fall back in love with me is for us to be friends. But I feel like that’s not going to work. He does not respond to my texts and if I ask him to hang out, he makes up excuses like he’s tired and just wants to sleep. Am I wasting my time?

    1. The way you are going about it, yes.

      You have decided that being friends is not going to work and pushing things to happen your way. It’s probably stressing him out, that’s why he’s avoiding you.

      Step back a little, and open your mind to the possibility that he might actually be right that the only way he would fall back in love with you is for you to be friends. Changing how you think about the situation will help you see how to approach things differently.

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