Avoidants Care About How You Feel — Why You Don’t See It

Almost every anxious person who’s ever been close to an avoidant — especially a dismissive avoidant — has had this thought at some point: “They don’t care about how I feel”

And you are not wrong to feel that way. On the surface, avoidant behaviour can look exactly like a lack of empathy. But what if the issue isn’t that they don’t care or lack empathy? What if they are responding to your emotions through a completely different emotional framework?

Say you text your avoidant ex because you had a bad day at work.

You want them to say, “Tell me about it” or “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.”

Instead they say, “Have you thought about talking to your manager? Maybe this project needs clearer expectations.” Then they turn back to what they were doing – watching TV or working out.

You’re thinking: “Wow… they don’t even care how I feel.”

You decide that you are not going to respond or reach out again. Meanwhile, an avoidant is thinking: they must have taken my advice and talked to their manager. Everything must be fine now.

In an avoidant way of thinking, they genuinely believe that helping you think differently, find a solution, or manage the problem is the most caring thing they can do — because that’s what they learned they needed to do for themselves.

Here’s how what avoidants learned growing up plays put in adult relationships.

1. Reduce emotional distress as quickly as possible

Avoidants — a dismissive avoidant more than a fearful avoidant — learned very early in life that nothing good came from staying emotional about something. Their feelings were ignored, dismissed, explained away, or they were taught that emotions were obstacles and that expressing them intensely was a sign of weakness.

Rather than seeing your emotional distress as something that first needs attention and understanding, they see it as disruptive and something that needs to be regulated as quickly as possible.

2. Calm them down so they overwhelm you

Most avoidants grew up with parents who didn’t know how to handle their child’s emotional needs and/or often became overwhelmed themselves.

So when emotions become too intense — you’re so upset, sad, or angry — avoidants feel emotionally flooded, are unable to think straight and feel a strong urge to create distance as the fastest way to regulate both your emotions and their own.

They’re not thinking “I can see you’re really upset. Tell me what’s going on”, instead they’re thinking, “You’re upset. I need you to calm down as quickly as possible, so you don’t overwhelm me”.

3. Withdraw until the situation is emotionally manageable

When you’re conditioned very early on — by parents who had learned the same lesson themselves or cultural messages that praised emotional resilience and emotional restraint or being emotionally reserved (like the culture I grew up in) – you come to see strong emotions as inconvenient, unsafe, or unproductive.

If an avoidant can’t calm you down, then they feel that they have to protect themselves from your emotions. Withdrawing becomes their way of protecting themselves until the situation feels emotionally manageable again.

The problem is often not lack of care, but completely different emotional framing

Because of this early conditioning, when they’re told, “You don’t care,” it can be incredibly confusing and hurtful for many avoidants. From a avoidant’s perspective, they’ve been caring the entire time — and have been doing it in the way that makes the most sense to their attachment style.

In fact, many relationships end because avoidants feel like no matter how much they show they care, it’s never recognized or enough.

The sad part is that neither person often realizes they have completely different ways of responding to emotional distress. An anxiously attached person usually wants someone to listen, validate how they feel, and stay emotionally present with them before trying to solve the problem.

For many avoidants, however, this way of caring feels unfamiliar and even time wasting. Spending time talking through emotions and validating feelings can seem like prolonging the distress because, in their mind, there’s a faster and more effective way to end it: solve the problem and you don’t have to be distressed about it.

So while the avoidant way of caring and showing empathy is often practical and well-intentioned, it can leave an anxiously attached person feeling unheard or emotionally alone — especially when what they needed first was empathy, validation, and someone willing to sit with their emotions before offering solutions.

Differences in emotional framing can be resolved

What’s even sadder than neither person realizing they have completely different ways of showing empathy and care, is when one or both of them conclude that they’re simply incompatible — that the only way the relationship can work is if the other person changes their attachment style.

The internet especially puts pressure on avoidants to change, often making it seem like their way of showing care and empathy is wrong. In reality, the issue is not that one way of responding to emotions is wrong and the other is right; the issue is awareness on both sides.

In some situations, you need someone to take your hand, sit with you, and create space for you to talk through what you’re feeling. In others, you need someone who sets emotions aside, rolls up their sleeves and gets the work done or problem solved.

Both responses can come from a place of care. What’s important is that you are both aware that you are operating from different emotional frameworks rather than different levels of care, and learning to show and receive support in the way that feels meaningful and emotionally supportive to the other person.

In a securely attached + anxiously attached dynamic

A secure person is able to say: “I can see you’re really upset. Tell me what’s going on.”

Rather than feeling responsible for making the emotions disappear immediately or becoming overwhelmed by them, they can stay present with the person’s distress. They understand that listening and validating someone’s feelings doesn’t make the problem bigger—it helps the other person feel safe and understood. Once the person feels emotionally supported, they can then shift into problem-solving together if it’s needed.

Because secure individuals don’t experience another person’s emotions as something they must either fix immediately or escape from, they can balance empathy with practical support. As a result, the other person feels both emotionally understood and genuinely helped.

In a securely attached + avoidant dynamic

A securely attached person is less likely to interpret an avoidant’s attempts to reduce emotional distress by problem-solving as a lack of care.

Instead of assuming, “You don’t care about how I feel,” they’re more likely to recognize the pattern as: “This is how they try to help”.

That doesn’t mean they won’t ask for more emotional support if they need it, but they don’t automatically equate a practical response with emotional neglect. Because they can separate intent from delivery, they’re less likely to take the avoidant’s communication style personally, making it easier for both people to understand each other instead of escalating things to a point were a avoidant shuts down, or leaves.

RELATED:

Avoidants Can Care Too Much But Seem Fine With The Breakup

The Small Ways Your Avoidant Ex is Emotionally Connecting

This Is Why Avoidants Stop Putting In Effort And Give Up

How to Engage with Your Anxious Ex Without Losing Control