Avoidant Situationship Dynamic: Intentional or Convenience

There are several reasons why two people find themselves in a situationship, including fear of commitment, using it as a placeholder for a future relationship, unreadiness for a relationship (especially when recovering from a long-term relationship or going through an ongoing divorce), or intentionally preferring a non-committed relationship.

This happens regardless of attachment style. But when it comes specifically to attachment styles, it’s safe to say situationships, in general, tend to be better suited to an avoidant attachment style because they don’t require the type of vulnerability, closeness, or commitment a committed relationship requires. It’s easier to keep things undefined than to let someone in.

Researchers sometimes describe this as a way of balancing competing needs: wanting companionship while limiting dependence.

For someone high in avoidance, defining a relationship may activate concerns about:

• Loss of freedom.
• Increased expectations.
• Dependence.
• Future obligations.

Remaining undefined allows the relationship to continue without fully confronting those concerns.

What is a situationship?

For anyone reading this and not familiar with what a situationship is: It is a low-commitment romantic arrangment that remains “undefined”. It can be an exclulcusive or non-exclusive ongoing romantic and sexual involvement with many of the markings of a relationship, but without the label and commitment part.

In other words, two people who like each other and enjoy each other’s company, communicate regularly and meet occasionally for a date and/or sex but with the understanding that they’re not committed to each other.

It’s important to understand that every situationship is different. They are called situtationships because these are situation-dependent. Some situationships are:

• For a specified period of time (until one or both people’s situations change)
• Based on the understanding that at some point you’ll revaluate if you want to continue with things as they are, officially make it a relationship or end the situationship.
• A romantic arrangement or connection two people have settled into.

Unlike traditional relationship breakups, how you approach reconnection after a situationships ends also depends on the situationship. Traditional relationship breakup advice can sometimes backfire.

Avoidants are drawn to situationships because for different reasons but the main ones being.

1) Easier to manage and control

Situationships by their very nature have an inherent barrier already built into the dynamic to prevent getting too close or losing one’s independece. There is some vulnerability and opening up here and there, but avoidants feel more control of how vulnerable, close or committed they want to be. There is no real threat to their independence because what happens in the situationship is what an avoidants wants to happen.

For dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants leaning dismissive, the fact that situationships don’t require labels and can go on for years without it being defined feels safe and comfortable. They can experience genuine affection and caring and show genuine affection and caring but without the expectation of things going any further or fear of them getting attached.

2) Don’t requite much work

Situationships meet most of an avoidants needs without the work, effort and time that relationships require. They can offer good conversations and great sex without pressure to define or give things a label, and are therefore more fun, spontaneous and so much less stressful than relationships.

They are convenient for younger avoidants not looking for anything serious and just want “what works for now”. They’re able to have all the benefits of a relationship without the label or commitment part. They’re also convenient for young adults who are not yet ready to commit, get married and have kids.

Much older avoidants see situationships and casual relationships as “easier” than relationships because they get to enjoy good company and have meaningful connection but with less drama, arguing, fighting, stress etc. Many of them have had several relationships and others have been married (some more than once) and find situationships less constraining and more relaxed.

Some are at the age where they’re not “looking for anything serious” or looking to “get married” (again) and a situationship offers the option of exclusivity without the relationship label.

3) Eeasier to exit (without guilt)

As mentioned above situationships and casual relationships don’t require as much work as relationships, and if the situationship isn’t meeting an avoidants needs or is becoming “too complicated”, and avoidant can just leave. It’s a situationship, so there’s no emotional breakup process or guilt about hurting anyone or failing in a relationship. Plus, an avoidant can exit the situationship and still keep a friendship.

Choice or convinience?

It’s important for me to point out that: every situationship is different. They are called Situtationships because these are situation dependent.

When you look at a situationship as meeting most of an avoidant’s needs while avoiding vulnerability, closeness or even commitment, it’d seem that avoiants would prefer situationships than relationships. But what drives avoidants into situationships is not necessarily preference but what they’re trying to avoid.

Many avoidants:

• Want companionship.
• Want affection.
• Want sexual connection.
• May even want a long-term partner.

What they tend to struggle with is the degree of dependence, vulnerability, and mutual obligation that traditional commitment often entails.

Buffer against commitment demands

Avoidant long-term situationships are especially interesting because the same avoidant who says they don’t want commitment can stay involved with the same person for years.

Research suggests this is because situationships or low-commitment romantic arrangments provide connection and companionship while preserving enough autonomy than a fully committed traditional partnership –  and can therefore function as a buffer against commitment demands.

RELATED:

Situationship Reconnection Chances: How to Assess Yours

Do Avoidant Situationships Ever Become A Relationship?

Dismissive Avoidant Was “Not Looking For Anything Serious”

Getting Back Together After Avoidant Situationship Ends

Avoidant Situationship: What ALWAYS Pulls an Avoidant Back