Avoidant Said They’re Never Coming Back (Decided Too Fast?)

Think your ex is just being stubborn, playing mind games, stringing you along, leading you on or keeping you as option? It may be none of those things.

I found that sometimes avoidant exes decide too fast that they’re never coming back, but later on change their mind.

Whether or not there is any chance an avoidant ex will come back depends not only on the type of relationship you had, the reasons for the breakup, how you broke up and what happened post-breakup, but also on how an avoidant makes decisions.

Do they make the most convenient or practical decision and stick to it (satisficer) or do they weigh every decision before and after making one (maximizer)?

Understanding how your avoidant ex makes decisions could drastically change how you go about getting them back and could help significantly improve the chances of getting them back.

1. Satisficers – Decide quickly and hardly change their mind

Satisficers tend to be mostly dismissive avoidants but there are also fearful avoidants who make quick decisions based on intuition or whatever information is available at the time and stick to it whether it’s the best decision or not.

When making a decision about whether to get back together with an ex, they spend very little time thinking about the pros and cons of getting back together. All they think about is, “Do I want this relationship or not?”, and make the decision that’s most convenient or practical or self-serving. Even when more information is available later on, they’re like “No. I made my decision. That’s it”. If you ask them, “Are you sure?”, they say it doesn’t matter, they’re happy with their decision and that’s what matters.

The good thing about being with an avoidant who is a satisficer is that they are likely to be loyal. Once they make a decision, they’re not likely to experience regret. And if they decide they want to get back together, the decision will be fast and they’re likely to stick to it, and only change there mind if there is additional information that suggests that revising their earlier decision is what is most convenient or practical or self-serving.

But there are also drawbacks to an avoidant ex being a satisficer. The most obvious one being that if they decide they don’t want to get back together, they’re going to stick to their decision. They don’t need many reasons to walk away from the relationship if they feel it’s not right for them.

As a coach, I find it much easier to work with satsficers. I ask what they want and how can I help? They tell me they want their ex back, and we get down to the business of getting their ex back. But sometimes it can be heartbreaking especially when I know that they are making a rush decision not to get back with an ex based on inadequate information or misinformation. I can only imagine how exasperating and triggering it must be for their ex that someone is refusing to even consider that there is a chance they could be wrong and the relationship can work.

When an avoidant who are satisficers says they made their decision that you’re never getting back together, the best thing you can do for yourself is to take their word for it. If they’re open to keeping the lines of communication open, keep the lines of communication open but stop trying to actively get them back. Go on with your life as they’re not coming back and if they change their mind, it’ll be your turn to decide if you want them back or not.

2. Maximizers – Take long to decide and keep changing their mind

Maximizers tend to be fearful avoidants and most lean anxious. They’re people who spend a lot more time and energy reaching a decision because they’re trying to make the best possible decision and get the best possible outcome. They worry about making the wrong decision and are not satisfied with just “good enough”. They need to weigh every single pro and con, look at all the available information and options, and get it “right”. Sometimes they go back and forth on a decision until they run out of energy or reach the analysis paralysis stage.

The good thing about having an avoidant ex who is a maximizer is that even when they say, “we’ll never get back together” it’s likely a temporal decision, especially if they said it when breaking up or soon after the breakup. They’re going to go back and second-guess everything to make sure they made the best decision.

The drawback to an avoidant who is a maximizer is that it takes them a long time to make a decision they’ll stick to. Even after they’ve made a decision, they’ll still not be happy or satisfied with their decision because they cannot be absolutely certain they made the right decision. This causes enormous amounts of anxiety and stress, and some maximizers even go into depression over simple decisions.

If you are right now dealing with a maximizer, you may be going crazy with their inability to make a decision about anything. I can’t blame you. I know some ‘maximizers’ and they literally scratch my brain with their agonizing obsession over decisions most people make with little or no problem at all. For example, they ask me for my opinion about something, then go to another friend/family member/expert and ask what they think about what I said. Then come back to me and ask me what I think about what the friend/family member/expert said about what I said. But even that is still not good enough.

This never-ending decision-making process can sometimes feel like an avoidant is leading you on or keeping you as option. Sometimes you just want to know are we getting back together or not? If you are not getting back together, you want to know so you can stop wasting your time and move on.

If you are lucky, a maximizer avoidant will tell you what is holding them back from making a decision but most of the time all they’ll tell you is that “something” is missing or “something” just doesn’t feel right. When you ask them what that “something” is, they can’t tell you what it is or they tell you one thing one time and another thing another time.

Maximizer avoidants are frustrating but being a maximizer doesn’t mean that your avoidant ex will never make a decision. They’re just more obsessed with what is involved in making a decision and making sure they made the best choice.

The best thing you can do with a maximizer avoidant ex

1. Look at how they’ve made decisions in the past. Once you’re sure you’re dealing with a maximizer, see if you (without involving them) can break down the process of getting back together into small steps/commitments that are achievable and which a maximizer does can make a decision about.

2. Use non-violent communicate to tell them you are willing to wait for them to make a decision about whether or not they want t get back together, then share with them small steps/commitments that show that they are taking steps towards getting back together.

If you are a maximizer reading this, you need to keep in mind that while it’s important to take as much time as possible making an important decision such as getting back together and absolutely very important that you carefully consider if getting back together is the right decision, taking too much time may make your ex decide you are leading them on and walk away. Too much time deciding can also allow for other unwanted things to happen, like your ex getting involved with someone else.

RELATED:

5 Signs A Fearful Avoidant Ex Is Scared Of Getting Hurt Again

Fearful Avoidant Ex Misses You But Is Still Hurt And Confused

Avoidants Thinking Of Reconnecting Process The Breakup Faster

Are You Wasting Your Time With These Avoidant Exes?