Avoidant Friend Zone Or Friends Then Get Back Together?

It’s sometimes hard to tell if you’ve been friendzoned by an avoidant ex or if an avoidant ex wants to start as friends first – and see where things go because:

• Some avoidants reach out so many months later when you expect them to have moved on and be over you. This can be confusing.
• Most dismissive avoidants are friends with many of their exes but never get back together with any of them.
• Avoidants tend to be closer to their friends than romantic relationship partners. It’s hard to tell if the closeness you feel with an avoidant ex is a friend-only connection or a romantic connection.
• Avoidants flirt with an ex they have no intentions of going back to.

So how do you know if you’re in an avoidant friend zone or if starting as friends is an avoidant’s way of seeing where things go?

1. Their level of engagement is consistent over time

Because avoidants generally treat their friends better than they do their partners, it can be hard to tell if the closeness you feel with an avoidant ex is a friend-only connection or a romantic connection. One way to know if you are in an avoidant friendzone or are starting as friends or are more than friends is their level of engagement and consistency. An avoidant who sees you as more than a friend puts in effort to reach out, start a conversation and keep the lines of communication open.

An avoidant who’s only interested in being friends will always wait for you to reach out, and if you don’t reach out, they’ll let you go. And when you’re in an avoidant friend zone, you will feel like they’re just being polite and not interested in engaging you in conversation. An avoidant who wants to start as friends engages more – text messages are longer, they respond quickly and actually show interest in what’s going on with you and in your life.

2. They’ll make effort to hang out with you often

An avoidant who is starting as friends, taking things slow or open to seeing where things go will want to meet/see you in person – and not just text, chat on phone or video call. They’ll also make an effort to hang out with you often – they may hangout with you alone, bring someone along or want to hang out in group settings (whatever is comfortable and feels safe for them).

An avoidant who just wants to be friends will not be so eager to hangout and will reach out only when it’s convenient to them. This is why I gently push my clients to ask to meet up with an avoidant ex (in a safe and non-threatening way) and not waste months “safe-texting” and trying not to “put pressure” or with breadcrumb phone calls that go nowhere. If an avoidant is not interested in meeting up, they’re likely only interested in being text-buddies or have already friendzoned you.

3. They’ll be very interested in what your family and friends think of them

An avoidant ex interested in you as more than a friend will be interested in what your friends and family think of them because they’re worried about how it will impact things if they decide to get back together. They want to know how they’ll be treated by your friends and family, and will also tell you what their friends and family think of you.

An avoidant who has friendzoned you isn’t worried about what your friends and family think of them. As far as they’re concerned you’re just a friend, and if your family or friends don’t like them around, they don’t have to be around them. If being friends with you is a problem for your family and friends, you don’t have to be friends.

4) They’ll be worried about sex complicating things

This is a tricky one because of an avoidant attachment style’s general tendency to not desire physical affection or engage in public displays of affection. This is further complicated by an avoidant’s culture or religion, add into the mix the fact that avoidants are more likely to engage in sexting than actually be physically intimate.

An avoidant who sees a relationship in the future will not push for sex. They’ll show you that they’re still sexually attracted to you in very obvious ways but hold off sexual intimacy because they fear that sex will complicate things or send you the ‘wrong’ message.

An avoidant who has friendzoned you will 1) avoid all talk or actions that can be interpreted as sexual desire, 2) draw you into conversations that are “sexual” in nature but not go through with their advances because they see you only as a friend or 3) make it clear that you are friends with benefits and no more. They’ll be hot and bothered when they want sex and cold and distant after sex.

5)  They’ll flirt but also invest in interactions

This is another confusing one if you are looking for an avoidant friend zone test. Avoidants see flirty friendly exchanges as “harmless” because there is no real intimacy or commitment. They can flirt hard one day and disappear the next and not feel bad about it. However, an avoidant who wants to start as friends and take things slow will flirt, sex-text and playfully tease you, but also invest energy and time in the interaction.

An avoidant who has you in the friendzone will playfully tease you, flirt or sex-text you but also make a point of reminding you that you’re just friends. Interactions with sexual undertones and sexting with an ex is more common with fearful avoidant exes than dismissive avoidants who find casual sex and “friends with benefits” more convenient.

6) They’ll directly tell you they can only be friends with you

Dismissive avoidants tend to be more direct and matter-of-fact, sometimes in ways that feel callous, insensitive  and cold-hearted. If they see you only as a friend and no more, they’ll tell you bluntly that friends is all they can be and let you decide to take it or leave it. If they’re thinking of you as more than a friend, they’ll tell you friends is all they can be for now, with emphasis on “now”.

With a fearful avoidant ex, the lines between starting as friends and a fearful avoidant friend zone are blurred. One reason is that fearful avoidants themselves don’t know if they want you back as a romantic partner or if they just want to be friends. The second reason is fearful avoidants don’t trust their own instincts. They second guess how they feel and second guess how others feel about them. The third reason is fearful avoidants never learned what to expect from someone who loves them – this is why they want love and connection but fear it too. The result is they’ll pretend to go with whatever they think you want.

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