Avoidant Ex Will Friend Zone You If You’re Not Doing THIS

With an avoidant ex, sometimes the romantic attraction comes back naturally and sometimes it doesn’t.

So whether you are starting as friends or trying to avoid being friend zones, you must send a clear message that you are intereted in them in more than a platonic way.

If the message is not clear, an avoidant will have no reason to experience the connection as romantic even if they enjoy talking to you, enjoy your attention, and even enjoy your company.

You find yourself in the platonic or friendzone, not because that’s what an avoidant wants, but because you’re not doing enough to show that you’re interested in them in more than a platonic way.

You might have even told them that you’re friends for now but you want to get back together, but your communication, messaging and actions say “platonic.”

What moves you from platonic to romantic?

The simple answer is your sexual presence, or what some people call “sexual energy.”

Sexual presence can come through the way you look at someone, your body language, your tone of voice, your compliments, your flirting, playful teasing, physical closeness, or the way you communicate attraction through text. It does not have to be overtly sexual. In fact, some of the strongest sexual energy is communicated without saying anything explicitly sexual at all.

The important thing is that the other person can feel your sexual attraction.

Without that, you can unintentionally communicate, “I really like you, but I am relating to you as a friend.”

And once the interaction becomes established in that platonic space, simply spending more time together or becoming closer emotionally does not necessarily create romantic attraction. You have to introduce a different quality of energy into the connection.

Energy that tells someone you are thinking sexually and makes them start thinking sexually too.

Sexual attraction has to be a part of your dynamic

It’s always important to establish comfort with contact before crossing the line to sexual attraction.

If you introduce sexual energy before there is enough comfort with being in contact, it can feel abrupt, pressured, or disconnected from what is happening between the two of you.

But once there is that comfort with contact, things can feel exciting instead of tense or making an avoidant feel the ick.

I’m not going to lie, there’s a risk to crossing the line from just talking about what’s going on in your lives, common interests, everyday things and all the other comfortable, familiar things friends talk about to expressing sexual and romantic interest.

You might discover that your avoidant ex does not feel the same way. You might change the dynamic between you. You might even make things a little awkward for a while.

But it’s a line that must be crossed at some point if you want to go from platonic or a good friendship to being more than friends.

If you never take that step because you are afraid of changing the dynamic, you can end up protecting the friendship so carefully that you never give the romantic relationship a chance to happen.

At some point, your avoidant ex needs to know that you are still sexually attracted t them. They need to see and feel that there is attraction behind why you are still reaching out and still talking to them.

This is where flirting, sexual tension and sexual anticipation become important.

Good flirting leaves something unsaid

My understanding of a flirty message is something with a “sexual hint”; something you wouldn’t say to your parent, child, sibling, boss or platonic friend.

I can’t specifically tell you this is what a flirty message is because everyone has their own comfortable level and confidence how much to lean on the “sexual” in their messaging. Some people are subtle, some are forward, some are playful, and some people are explicit.

But whatever your flirting style is, it has to be something that happens gradually and allows more of your attraction to show through your words, tone, attention and behaviour, and for an avoidant to respond to the attraction you are expressing.

In other words, it does not mean every conversation should turn into flirting or become “sexual”.

In fact, constantly making sexual comments can have the opposite effect. The goal is not to constantly turn up the sexual intensity. It is to create enough romantic and sexual energy that the interaction does not feel entirely platonic.

You can start with a playful comment, a knowing tease, or a compliment with a little edge, then gradually move to a reference to something you would like to do together. The point is to create a sense of possibility without spelling everything out. The other person gets to fill in some of the blanks themselves.

Texting can make this particularly important because you do not have the benefit of eye contact, body language, physical proximity, tone of voice, or the natural tension that can develop when two people are physically together. Your words have to do more of the work.

Flirting has to feel connected to the interaction between the two of you

This is also why timing matters. A flirty message sent at the right moment can create anticipation that carries into the next conversation. A sexual joke inserted randomly into an otherwise ordinary conversation can simply feel awkward or forced.

But a well-timed flirty message here and there, when it naturally fits what the two of you are talking about, can gradually change the tone of the interaction.

You can also go as far as sexual teasing, sexual innuendos and suggestive jokes, but only if your ex is comfortable with it and responds positively. Pay attention to how they respond. Do they play along, tease you back, extend the conversation or introduce their own suggestive comments? Those responses tell you that the sexual energy is being reciprocated.

If they ignore the flirtation, change the subject, give a flat response or seem uncomfortable, take that as information and dial it back.

The goal isn’t to see how sexual you can make the conversation. The goal is to create mutual sexual tension where both of you can feel the attraction without either person feeling pushed into it.

It’s not enough to just be emotionally safe

Flirty messages, sexual tension and sexual anticipation, when used appropriately, create excitement around romantic possibility.

But it’s a skill that, if you are not good at, needs to be learned, developed and sharpened because it’s not enough to just be emotionally safe.

Being emotionally safe creates comfort, trust and a sense that you are safe to be around. But it does not, on its own, create romantic or sexual attraction.

Emotional safety gives romantic attraction a healthy foundation, but you also need to allow your sexual attraction to be felt.

If your text conversations tend to become friendly, practical, or emotionally heavy, flirting, and creating sexual tension and sexual anticipation is a skill worth developing. Likewise, if your texts are full of sexual jokes that your ex does not respond to, or doesn’t find appropriate, you may need to work on creating sexual tension and anticipation rather than simply becoming more sexually explicit.

At the end of the day, your ex must feel that there is something more between you than friendship for them to start thinking of a romantic relationship with you again. If they don’t, the connection can remain comfortable, familiar and enjoyable without ever becoming romantic again.

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