Avoidant Ex Wants To Put Things On Hold – What To Do

One of the things you’ll encounter when trying to get back with an avoidant is that when everything in their life is going well, they’re more responsive, more engaged and even seem to want to get close, but when they’re stressed at work, feeling not financially stable, having health problems, dealing with family issues or any other stress in their life, they pull back and even seem to lose interest in you. And depending on the stress they may even want to put things on hold temporarily or indefinitely.

This can feel like an excuse to end things, a soft breakup before a final end and it can be, if you respond like an avoidant is asking to end things when all they’re asking for is put things on hold or pause so they can deal with the stress in their life.

It would be great if you and your avoidant could work through their stress together as a couple, but that’s not the makeup of an avoidant attachment style. Anxiously attached deal with stress by over relying on others to regulate them and often end up exhausting other people’s emotional resources. Avoidants deal with stress alone and by withdrawing into themselves and often pushing others away. Both ways of dealing with stress are unhealthy for a relationship but telling an avoidant that their way of dealing with stress is wrong and “lecturing” them on the importance of leaning on others in time of need when they’re stressed and need time a part to deal with the stress in their life is the fastest way to end things permanently.

What avoidants hear when you (anxiously attached) talk about the importance of leaning on others in time of need is “you should be like me”; and if there is one thing avoidants don’t like about anxiously attached, it’s their overdependence on others and what avoidants see as “entitled to other’s time and space.” You might as well tell an avoidant, “You can’t deal with your personal problems because I need you here to meet my needs”.

When an avoidant asks for time apart, pauses the relationship or puts thing on hold:

1. Don’t assume they’re rejecting you 

An avoidant asks for time apart to deal with a stress in their life is about them and how they handle stress rather than a rejection of you or the relationship. Don’t insists on ending things or going no contact because it feels like that’s what they’re doing and it’s triggering your fear of rejection. The time part or pause on things is just so they can manage their stress; it could be a few days, weeks or months.

If you make them choose between their “survival” and a relationship, an avoidant will choose their survival over a relationship any time. The can’t deal with both external stress and relationship stress.

Do this instead: Tell them you understand time part is what they need at the moment and you re okay with that. But so you are not just left in limbo wondering when they’ll reach out again, ask if you can reach out if the pause extends to say three weeks or a month. An avoidant’s response will help you to decide if putting things on pause is something you can do, or if you are better off single and/or moving on.

2. Don’t offer to wait for them

When you’re anxiously attached, you have the fear that others don’t want to be with you, so someone waiting for you while you sort your life out is a sign that they really care about you, love you and want to be with you. But when you’re av avoidant (and specifically a dismissive avoidant), someone waiting around for you feels like pressure and/or a way of controlling your life.

In their experience, no one is ever really been there for them without wanting someone back in return. Instead what others have always done is want more and more from them even when they’ve nothing left to give. So when you offer to be wait for them, what many avoidants hear is “in exchange for your time, attention, affection etc., I’ll wait for you” or “hurry up and fix your problems because I’m here waiting”.

Do this instead: Ask if there is any way you can continue to show them that you care about their well-being as a person and not just want a relationship. If they don’t tell you how you can support them, ask if it’s okay if you can check-in from time to time because you care about them and want to know they’re okay.

Remember, a check-in is strictly a well-being concern and not a reason to start a conversation or a bid for connection, and the reason I recommend check-in is because I do not believe that an anxiously attached should have to put an avoidant’s need for space above their need for connection, and avoidants should not have to put an anxiously attached need for connection over their need for space if there’s an opportunity to negotiate and have both people’s needs met.

3. Don’t normalize putting the relationship on hold

When an avoidant asks for time a part or puts things on hold, they’re not thinking of you or the relationship; they’re thinking of their survival. And if the tables were turned, they’d expect you to do the same. Fearful avoidants may get triggered when you choose you over the relationship because of their fear of abandonment, but both dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants will respect you for not sacrificing your well-bring for them or the relationship.

So yes, show understanding and empathy for what an avoidant is going through and accept that they are dealing with things the way they know how to and what feels safe for them, but understanding and empathy doesn’t mean you should normalize putting the relationship on hold or pushing you away every time something in their life isn’t going well.

Do this instead: When an avoidant reaches out to resume things from where they left off and things feels relatively stable again (this is important), explain to your avoidant that putting the relationship on pause or putting things on hold not only made you anxious and worried because you didn’t know if and when you’d hear from them again, it also made you feel that they don’t trust that yu care enough about them to be able to support them the way they need you.

You want them to give you the opportunity to be the person they can trust to have their back when they need someone to be there for them, and open to working with them to come up with ways for both of you can deal with external stressors without overwhelming, over burdening the other or pushing the other away.

RELATED:

Fearful Avoidant Asking For Time Apart Is A Last Resort