My Avoidant Ex Wants Space BUT Keeps Reaching Out

Avpodants need space to feel safe and to be able to remain connected, so you think that when they ask for space, they creae distance. But sometimes avoidants say they want space and then reach out a few hours or days later there. This can be very confusing and frustrating. Here’s what’s going on.

Space can mean one thing to an avoidant and mean something else to someone with an anxious attachment. Because they may not communicate well what they mean or you might assume you understand exactly what they mean, it’s always best to ask for clarity so you understand what they mean by “space”. I explain this in much more in detail in this article.

Asking for space then reach out is fearful avoidant behaviour

An avoidant who says they want space but keeps reaching out even when you don’t respond is likely a fearful avoidant. Fearful avoidants are knowna as anxious avoidants because one side of them (anxious) desires connection and even frequent contact and the other side (avoidant) fears that connection may lead to getting hurt. So you have these two sides competing with each other and created a pull-push or hot-cold cycle.

And because of these conflicting desires, what a fearful avoidant says and what they really want sometimes don’t match up.

There are several reasons why fearfu avoidants ask for space but keep reaching out

1. They didn’t mean they wanted no communication

When they ask for space, they’re not necessarily saying they want no contact. They just wanted a few minutes, a few hours or a few days from because they felt overwhelmed and wante dyou to stop:

• Texting too much
• Putting pressure
• Starting the same fights
• Bringing up the same issues

Whatever it is that was emotionally overwhelming them, they wanted it to stop, and the way they know how to stop feeling overwhelmed is pull back from what’s overwhelming them.

2. They immediately changed their mind

When they said they wanted space, they were creating distance and meant no communication. It was a genuine want at the time. Then their anxious side took over, they immediately realized they didn’t want no communication.

They may have even become scared that space will cause them to be abandoned, and reached out.

3. They felt you were pulling away

They may have asked for space because they felt you becoming distant or less available. That could have triggered their fear of getting hurt and ask for space. But the fear of losing connection felt stronger than the fear of getting hurt, and they reached out again to re-establish connection.

4. They were testing how you’d respond and looking for reassurance

Reaching out after asking for space can also be a way of testing your reaction. They may want to see if you’ll respond warmly, stay consistent, or show that you still care. This helps them feel reassured without having to directly ask for it

5. The way you responded made them feel safe

They genuinely wanted space to self-regulate and expected you to protest or push back. But your response to them wanting space felt safe and reassuring and they felt like they didn’t really need to pull away. They could regulate and stay connected at the same time.

The most important thing is not to focus on why they reached out. The most important thing is:

1. Get clarity on what they mean by space

The point is to make sure you are both on the same page on what they mean by space.
Clarifying things opens up a safe space for you ask that they communicate exactly they mean by space, what they need from you and how you can give them space and still feel things are good between the two of you.

2. Pay attention to why they wanted space in the first place

Why do they need space, is it?

• To regulate and get clarity
• Escape pressure or overwhelm
• Deal with external stress
• Create distance

Knowing why they need space helps you give them space without overthinking, over-analyzing, spiralling of chasing.

3. Respond in away that makes reaching out feel safe

If you act like you don’t care, it confirms to them that the relationship is no safe r is under threat, and they should create distance to protect themselves. On the other hand, if you act like you are upset that they want space, they feel that their need for space is not respected, and may even feel controlled. This is why you have to walk a very fine line with a fearful avoidant when it comes to space.

4. Observe the pattern so you can bring it up or set boundaries (if necessary)

If this becomes a pattern, and they don’t tell you what they exactly mean by space or how much space they need, and within minutes or hours reaches out, have a conversation about what you understood they wanted and why it’s confusing for you when they reach out.

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Do Avoidants Distance From An Ex They Still Love?

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