Avoidant Ex Time-Delay: “Let’s See What Happens in 4 Months”

Misjudging where an avoidant is at in the reconnection process or escalating things too fast can create an additional hurdle in the reconnection process.

Things may be moving in the right direction and at the right pace, and then you get excited and ask if they can give the relationship another chance. Suddenly, everything comes to a stop.

Many avoidants will tell you how they feel and whether there is a possibility of getting back together. But if your ex is a fearful avoidant, especially one who is conflict avoidant, a people-pleaser, or has a problem making decisions or sticking to them, things can get complicated really quickly.

One of the things they may say is: “Let’s see what happens in (a month, two, three, four) months.”

It can be confusing because it sounds like they are asking you to wait before you can get an answer. But that is not necessarily what they mean.

Here are some of the reasons they might say, “Let’s see what happens in X months,” why they say it, and what it can mean for getting back together.

1. They are just not ready to make a decision

Sometimes the simplest explanation is that they genuinely don’t know.

They may enjoy connecting with you and spending time with you. They may even feel closer to you than they did immediately after the breakup. Or they may starting to wonder whether getting back together could work.

But they aren’t ready to make the decision.

So rather than giving you a definite answer, they create some distance between the question and the decision.

2. They want to see how they feel in a few months

Sometimes they aren’t waiting for something specific to happen. They just want to see how they feel.
This can happen when your ex has conflicting feelings about getting back together.

In some cases, they may still care about you but aren’t sure whether they feel enough romantic attraction to get back together.

In that situation, time gives them an opportunity to experience the relationship rather than trying to figure out in the moment how they feel.

This is especially important when you have only recently started talking or spending time together.

3. They’ve already made a decision but think it will hurt you

This is the possibility people often don’t want to consider.

Sometimes “let’s see what happens in three months” isn’t uncertainty at all. An avoidant may already know that they don’t want to get back together but don’t want to give you a direct rejection.

This is particularly possible with a fearful avoidant who is conflict avoidant or has a strong tendency to people-please. They know that saying: “I don’t want to get back together” will hurt you, but they also don’t want to give you false hope.

So instead, they soften the rejection with “Lets see what happens”. This allows them to avoid having the difficult conversation right now.

4. They see change but aren’t sure if it’s real or will last

This is one of the more positive reasons an avoidant may want more time.

They may genuinely see that something has changed and may even acknowledge the changes, but seeing change and trusting change are two different things.

If the relationship previously had a difficult dynamic, your ex may be wondering: “Is this actually different now, or is this just because we’re trying to get back together?”

They may need to experience the new dynamic consistently before they commit t getting back together.

They don’t need you to convince them that you’ve changed, they wan to experience you differently. And that takes time.

Usually this is avoidant time-delay, buying themselves time

They may say a month, two or three months, or even longer depending on where things are in the reconnection process and how much time they think they need to make a decision.

They may also throw out a random number or timeframe because the question about getting back together caught them by surprise or feel backed against a wall.

In other words, three months isn’t necessarily significant. It doesn’t automatically mean they have decided that they will reconsider the relationship in three months.

What they’re doing is creating some distance between the pressure to make a decision and actually having to make one.

Don’t turn their timeframe into your deadline

Don’t spend the next month, two or three months watching the calendar, analysing every interaction and waiting for the day when your ex is supposedly going to decide whether they want you back.

And don’t turn their timeframe into your deadline

This is where people often make the reconnection process harder than it needs to be.

They hear “three months” and immediately start thinking: “What do I need to do to make sure they choose me in three months?”

That can create a tremendous amount of pressure.

• You start monitoring their behaviour.
• You start trying to say the right things.
• You start looking for signs.

You may start pushing the connection forward because you’re afraid that if you don’t, they will lose interest.

And ironically, that pressure can recreate the very dynamic that made your ex hesitant in the first place.