Avoidant Feels Numb After The Breakup – What Does It Mean?

It hurts when after a breakup an ex says they feel numb, feel neither sad nor happy, or feel nothing. It’s like they never cared about you or don’t care about you to at least feel sad, or feel anything even anger or resentment.

Feeling numb after a breakup is actually normal. It’s the body’s way of helping the person feeling numb cope during a stressful, threatening or traumatic event. It’s similar to the freeze response when the body becomes immobile or goes in a state of paralysis in the face of danger or a threat. Faced with a ]threat, in a split second the body chooses the best way to keep you stay safe from the immediate threat or danger – fight, flight, fawn or freeze.

Many people who freeze in the face of threat will tell you that “going blank” or “numbing out” especially when verbally attacked or immense stress is a “blessing” in many ways because it stops them from saying or doing something that would escalate the situation. It’s only later, after the “danger” has passed that their brain goes on overdrive with all kinds of comebacks that would have been perfect for them to say.

Those who immediately have a freeze response when faced with a threat or danger likely experienced constant severe anxiety (anxiously attached), intense fear or feeling scared stiff (fearful avoidants) or were from a very young age discouraged from expressing intense “negative” emotions such as sadness or anger (dismissive avoidants).

But even individuals who experienced no attachment trauma in childhood (securely attached) can have a freeze response 1) when they can’t immediately comprehend exactly what is going on and are trying to assess the situation and/or 2) if any action in the moment is futile or exacerbates the threat or danger. The difference is that securely attached are able to quickly unfreeze, and express themselves or engage in ways that are constructive.

Sometimes avoidant exes don’t even realize they’re feeling numb

Feeling numb can set in immediately after the breakup or happen gradually over time depending on how or if an ex is processing the breakup. In the breakup freeze response state, the person shut downs, is distant and unresponsive or unable to communicate or take any action, and in some cases may feel disconnected or detached from their reality.

Sometimes, exes mostly avoidants who aren’t as in touch with their emotions don’t realize they’re feeling numb. They think they’re okay or have accepted the breakup because they’re not feeling sad, crying or begging an ex for another chance. It’s only when they realize that they’re acting differently or don’t feel the same way about things that normally excite them or makes them happy, that they realize that they feel nothing at all.

In my article on dismissive avoidant breakup stages, I wrote how dismissive avoidants who feel numb after a breakup go party non-stop or go on sex binges, not because they feel relief or elation, but because they feel numb and are trying to feel something, anything.

The breakup freeze response is usually a temporary state, and unlike the survival freeze response where the body becomes immobile or goes in a state of paralysis, a breakup freeze response is a functional meaning; one can feel numb when it comes to the breakup, but function normally in other areas of life.

Depending on the relationship, how the breakup happened, other things outside of the relationship going on in an individual’s life when the sense of immediate danger has passed, a fight response may kick in for anxiously attached and fearful avoidant leaning anxious. For avoidants, the freeze response is often followed by a flight response. Fawning following a freeze response is common with anxiously attached and fearful avoidants.

Momentary numbness after breakup is not a cause for alarm

Your ex feeling numb or not feeling anything after the breakup shouldn’t worry or alarm you, at least not initially. It’s likely that they’re:

• Generally feeling numb and don’t feel anything with everybody, not just you.
• Disconnected from painful feelings because their body is telling them that shutting down is the best way to stay safe.
• Unsure of how to react or respond, and what the next move is and feeling numb is the body’s way of pressing the “pause” button and stopping them from taking risky actions or getting into risky situations.

The feeling of numbness will with time go away. You don’t need to “do” anything to help your ex get out of feeling numb. Most of the time, they don’t have to do anything either. The body will take care of it.

What you can do is hold space for them in the way they want you to, and if they let you check-in to make sure they are physically safe, are eating and getting enough rest etc. If they want to talk about what they’re going through listen without interfering or inserting yourself into their experience. If mid conversation they, go “blank”, don’t try to “encourage” them to talk or insist talking will help. Simply let them be, and resume the conversation if and when they’re ready to talk again.

For avoidants, feeling numb after a breakup lasts a few days to a few weeks

Feeling numb after a breakup or breakup freeze response state lasts about a few hours to a couple of days for anxiously attached in, longer if the breakup came as a complete shock. After that, the fight response kicks in. For avoidants, feeling numb after a breakup lasts a few days to a few weeks. What else is going on in an avoidant’s life can keep them feeling numb longer, even for months.

If months after the breakup your ex is still feeling numb, then what was initially a breakup freeze response has likely morphed into something else like:

1) Depression and/or PTSD

Breakups can trigger past (unresolved) attachment traumas and one can get stuck in not just replaying the events before, during and after the breakup over and over, but also having flashbacks of childhood trauma.

2) Detached from attachment

The “pause” button has been pressed for too long and an avoidant has gone from feeling numb to losing all feelings and feeling detached from you.

This is different from a deactivation where an ex still has feelings for you and is still emotionally invested (attached) but needs to space to deal with their own stuff or space from you and from being in a relationship. An ex who is detached has lost feelings, and once an ex detaches, it’s going to be hard for them to get those feelings back.

RELATED:

Fearful Avoidant Ex Seems Like A Different Person

Why Fawning Makes Avoidant Exes Angry (And Avoid You)

Can You Stop An Avoidant Ex From Deactivating? HOW?