Is there a difference between attracting back an introvert ex vs. a dismissive avoidant ex? This question was prompted by a conversation with a client trying to attract back a dismissive avoidant ex; who she thinks is also an introvert. The conversation made me wonder how many more people have the misconception that introvert equals dismissive avoidant.
I couldn’t find any studies that directly link attachment styles, introversion/extraversion and romantic relationships. But even with the absence of reliable studies linking attachment styles, introversion/extraversion and romantic relationships, there are definitely some overlaps between dismissive avoidants and introverts that cannot be ignored or overlooked.
From the perspective of someone trying to attract back a dismissive avoidant ex or introverted ex, these traits look similar:
- Needing a lot more alone time
- From time to time withdrawing
- Communicating less
- Aversions to emotional drama
- Protective of their time and space
These overlaps however need a closer look and a deeper understanding.
First things first. Introverts can be securely attached, anxious preoccupied, fearful avoidants or dismissive avoidants. Dismissive avoidants can be introverted or extroverted.
1) Why introverts and dismissive avoidants need space away from you
Introverts need a lot more alone time because unlike extroverts who gain more energy from constantly being around others and interacting with them, introverts feel drained of energy from constant interacting with others.
The feeling behind needing space and time is not to avoid closeness or intimacy, but to recharge so they can re-engage constructively.
Dismissive avoidants need a lot more alone time because they’re uncomfortable with closeness. They need space to keep others, especially people they are in a relationship at a comfortable distance.
2) How introverts and dismissive avoidants deal with emotions
If an introvert is shy (not all introverts are shy), they may struggle with social anxiety and meeting people, but they are generally emotionally self-aware, good at regulating their own emotions and dealing with other people’s emotion.
Dismissive avoidants struggle with emotions in general. They have a hard time owning their emotions and a hard time processing them (in a heathy way). This is their constant source of discomfort with themselves and with others.
They also have an insensitive and detached approach to dealing with the emotions of others especially if the emotions are intense and prolonged. They keep partners and exes at a distance because they don’t want to have to deal with their feelings and emotions.
3) How introverts and dismissive avoidants form close relationships
Introverts are capable of forming deep, strong and healthy relationship. And if an introvert isn’t shy (again, not all introverts are shy); they can be outgoing, and have lots of friends they can call up when they need a friend to talk to.
Dismissive avoidants struggle with forming strong bonds and as a result have surface connections with intimate partners. If a dismissive avoidant is extroverted, they will be really good at connecting with people on a surface level. They’re bubbly and fun to be around but remain emotionally unavailable or closed off. They have lots of “friends” but no one they can call up and pour out their hearts to because they don’t know how and/or don’t want to.
4) How introverts and dismissive avoidants feel about close relationships
Introverts generally view close relationships as important and many seek to form and have close relationships. Shy introverts as mentions earlier struggle social anxiety which makes meeting people to form close relationships with harder. But once they are in a relationship they value the relationship.
Dismissive avoidants view close relationship as relatively unimportant. They also deny the need for close relationships and place more value on independence and individual identity.
5) How to attract back an introverted ex vs. a dismissive avoidant ex
Since introverts can be securely attached, anxious preoccupied, fearful avoidants or dismissive avoidants, how you attract them depends on their individual attachment style.
But if your ex is both an introvert and a dismissive avoidant, you might want to focus your time and energy learning how to attract back a dismissive avoidant ex. It’s whole different ball game!