Attract Back An Avoidant Ex: 3 – When They’ve No Feelings

Break-ups trigger attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. Some of the things an anxious-preoccupied does post break-up push an avoidant further away. They think they are showing an avoidant how much they love them and don’t understand why an avoidant will not come back. Whatever an anxious-preoccupied does later may not be enough to make an avoidant want to come back.

If the break-up is unexpected, it will take an anxious person while to hyperactivate. Once the attachment system is triggered, it’s full-on protest behaviour.

Protest-behaviour is an attachment anxiety’s natural reaction to a break-up

When triggered, anxious-preoccupieds and fearful avoidants leaning anxious don’t care that their actions are damaging their chances of getting back together. They just want their ex’s attention and they want it bad.

The protest behaviour can be overtly aggressive – incessant calling, sending angry texts, threats and stalking. They may show up at an ex’s home, workplace or stalk them on social media. In some extreme cases they may physically harm their ex or cause harm to someone their ex cares about.

Protest-behaviour can also be passive-aggressive – punitive silence, unfriending their ex, blocking access to their social media, changing a phone number, posting photos showing them happy alone or with another guy or woman etc.

Many anxious-preoccupieds’ protest behaviour can go from aggressive to passive-aggressive and back to aggressive. This is all in hope that their behaviour will get their ex’s attention, and make an ex contact them.

The anxious-avoidant break-up often extend over a period of time

Most dismissive-avoidants will put a stop to the protest behaviour by asking for space, not responding or cutting off contact. This is difficult for a fearful avoidant because they want to keep contact but also need distance.

And while an ex responding provides some reassurance for an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, it does very little to deactivate the hyperactivated attachment system. An anxious-preoccupied may even act like they are not bothered by their ex pulling away, but they can’t keep it in for long. The nature of attachment anxiety is that they need to know that everything is okay, they didn’t to anything to upset their ex and if they did, they want their ex to know they are sorry.

Why can’t we be okay… why can’t everything go back to how it was?

All an anxious-preoccupied wants is for everything to be okay again but sometimes they take it too far. They start demanding an explanation or even an apology for their ex not responding or calling back (as they promised). Hearing their ex apologize is important to an aggressive anxious–preoccupied. An apology means their ex cares and still loves them.

Since most anxiously–preoccupied people attract dismissive-avoidants, a dismissive’ s reaction to protest behaviour is likely to be flippant. But they can also be insensitive and downright rude when they reach their breaking point.

Anxious–preoccupieds act ways that they would want their ex to act towards them

Anxious–preoccupied men and women crave attention and affection, and in relationships they give it their everything. Unfortunately, they give way too much at their own expense. They also sometimes expect way too much from their partners.

For example, they:

  • Send more texts than most because they’d want their ex to send them many texts too.
  • Spend more energy and time making sure their ex knows how much they love them. They hope their ex does the same.
  • Tell their ex they love them and are not “giving up on them”. This is the kind of reassurance they need from their ex.

To them, they’re showing that they care, are being supportive or trying to connect, and they are. They just do it in ways that go beyond what their ex is comfortable with, wants or is ready for.

They can’t understand how someone can be ‘too busy” to respond to a text. Why they wouldn’t feel like “talking” to someone they love. As far as an anxious-preoccupied is concerned, if you care about someone you should respond to their text immediately. If you love someone, you should want to talk to them all the time.

When the relationship ends, they have a hard time accepting that the other person doesn’t want the relationship anymore. To them if you love someone, you do not leave them. This where most of the needy and sometimes stalking behaviour comes from. They think it is proof they love their ex.

Avoidants ask for space even when they know they’re not coming back

An avoidant may have been on the fence about getting back together, but after seeing how an anxious-pre-occupied handled the break-up, they don’t want to come back.

Due to the nature of attachment avoidance, most avoidants do not communicate that they are not coming back. If they still care about them, they will ask for no contact for a specified number of days or weeks. They hope that after a couple of weeks, an anxious-pre-occupied will be less needy and clingy.

If they have no feelings for their ex, they will disappear into thin air. And sometimes avoidants take advantage of their ex’s attachment anxiety. They know cutting off contact will make an anxious-pre-occupied more anxious, afraid and worried but either they don’t care, or think it’s a brilliant strategy to make an anxious ex miss them and/or beg them to come back. And sadly, it works.

Until an anxious-pre-occupied realizes that an avoidant will not come back because they are trying harder and doing more, they will continue with the destructive behaviours.

Securely attached set boundaries to contain an anxious-preoccupied’s destructive post break-up behaviour

If their ex is securely attached, they will communicate clearly that they are not comfortable with the attention or affection. They understand that an anxious-preoccupied jumps to worse-case scenarios when they feel ignored or when their feelings are dismissed as just being needy, so they try to provide the anxious-preoccupied what they need to feel safe and loved.

Instead of grudgingly responding to a text every five minutes, they set a routine where they contact their anxious-preoccupied ex on regular days/times (that are more reasonable to them). For example, text once a day or call once every two days depending on what stage things are in your effort to get back together.

They also set boundaries and communicate the consequences of violating the boundaries they’ve set for their anxious-preoccupied ex.

Providing some sort of predictability for someone with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style helps their anxiety.

Attract Back An Avoidant Ex: 4 – Avoidant Ex May Still Love You

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