Are You Wasting Your Time With These Avoidant Exes?

Everyone trying to get back with an avoidant ex hopes that they can get them back. There’s nothing wrong with having hope. I believe that two people who love each should at least give each other another chance, even a few chances. Sometimes circumstances change or the relationship dynamics changes, and sometimes people change. But after 2 decades of working one-on-one with secures, anxiously attached, fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants (and having being one myself), I’ve found that they’re some avoidant exes you shouldn’t waste your time trying to get back.

I’ve put together a list of avoidants exes you should not waste your time. I hope this list will help you not stay in limbo with an avoidant longer than you should.

1.  Avoidants who believe exes are exes for a reason

These avoidant exes are usually under 35 years of age and can be fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant. They want some type of fairy tail relationship that can’t be achieved in real life. They express very rigid views about relationships and breakups as if everything is black and white. As far as they’re concerned, a relationship doesn’t need work, if it needs work, it will never work.

They tell you they’re not friends with any of their exes. When a relationship ends, they cut off all contact and never look back. This might be comforting because it means that they’re no exes hanging around, they’re not talking to their ex behind your back or trying to get back with one, but it also means that you have only one chance with them.

When they’re done, they’re done and are never, never coming back. It doesn’t matter if you go no contact, reach out once a month, reach out months later or ask to be friends, they’re 100% convinced an ex is an ex for a reason, and not even your love will change that.

2. Avoidants who don’t know if they want to be with you

These avoidant exes are all ages. They make you feel like you are in a relationship but never officially acknowledged you as “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” or as a couple. They never introduced you to their friends or family and some reject the idea of exclusivity. The reason the relationship ended is because they were not sure if they want to be with you, or you got fed up with their inability to commit to even being officially a couple or exclusive.

After the breakup there’s a period of no contact, then they reach out or you reach out and things seem back to how they were – you feeling led on, breadcrumbed and kept a secret. You’ve tried to be very understanding, given ultimatums, gone no contact, reached out again with new tools and ideas of how to make the relationship work, but they’re still not sure about where things are going and don’t want to make any promises.

When you put a little “pressure” on them to make up their mind about you, they pull away. But just when you think you’re never going to hear from them again, they pop back into your life, give you hope and then dead silence again. They’ve even left you for someone else, then when that person dumped them, they came back to you.

There’s no finality with these kind of avoidant ex and while there is a very small chance that one day they will decide they want to hang around enough to make a relationship work. Common says if someone only wants you when it looks like you’ve moved on, then maybe you should actually move on. The worst part is an avoidant decides they want to finally commit and settle down, but it will not be with you.

3. Avoidants who are emotionally attracted but not romantically attracted 

These avoidant exes are usually 24+ years old but could also be younger. They may have started wanting a romantic relationship but something happened that changed their feelings from romantic to platonic. Usually when this happens and an avoidant tells you over and over that they have no romantic feelings for you, there’s nothing you can do to change the feelings back to romantic.

You have to make a decision whether to stay in their lives because you find value in being friends with them or move on with your life. Don’t waste your time and effort trying to get back an avoidant who is not romantically attracted to you anymore. They may want to keep you in their life as a friend because they still see all the amazing qualities that attracted them to you but the romantic attraction just isn’t there anymore.

There’s a difference however between an avoidant who is not romantically attracted to you anymore and one who is not “in love” with you anymore, has lost “in love” feeling or has “fallen out of love” An avoidant who is not in love with you anymore is still romantically attracted to you, but has lost the excitement and euphoric feeling of being with you. You can do something to make an avoidant fall in love with you again, but you can’t change their feelings back to romantic.

4. Avoidants who keep the door open indefinitely

These are usually avoidants in their late 30s and plus years. They’re been around the block a few too many times, and have come to realize that relationships are not “all or nothing”. Many of them have gone back to an ex, have platonic relationships with exes, tried being friends with an ex it didn’t work out or tried being friends and ended up back together. They’ve learned that some people leave a mark on you and even when you think you’re done with them, you really are not.

They’ll tell you they love you, or felt really connected to you, or have never felt for anyone the way they feel about you. They’ll tell that you “you are perfect the way you are, don’t change” or that they felt safe to be open and vulnerable with you. They’ll also tell you the relationship didn’t work because you have different needs or because they couldn’t give you what you want or need. They’ll tell you they hope you find someone who will make you happy. THEN, they’ll tell you they’re not ruling out trying things again in the future.

Now, when a secure or anxiously attached ex tells you that they’re not ruling out trying things again in the future, it’s cause to be hopeful because there’s is a high chance that they will reach out and/or they’ll try to get you back especially if they were the dumper. When an avoidant ex says they’re not ruling out trying things again in the future, it’s not because of some kind of “romantic” idea of soul mates or “meant to be together” destiny. What they’re saying is, if in the future you reach out and I feel that things between us can be better, then you can try to get me back. I may, or may not come back, but that’s up to you to convince me. Don’t expect them to do anything out of their comfort zone to make that future possible.

At the end of the day, you know your relationship better than anyone else will know, and like I said earlier, circumstances change, relationships dynamics change, and avoidants can change, and two people who broke up can be happy together again. If you strongly feel that your story will end differently, I say give it a go.

That being said, knowing that you have little to no chance of getting back together will help you see sooner than later that you’re not only wasting your precious time, but also re-traumatizing yourself and making yourself even more insecure trying to get back an avoidant ex who is clearly not coming back.

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